Need some advice on weight gain comments

[Becky1985london]

I need an alternative perspective. I’ve recently been feeling a bit sluggish and I shared with my partner I was feeling self conscious about an upcoming holiday with friends. I said I didn’t feel too confident getting into a bikini, in all honesty hoping for some reassurance. His response was too say ‘neither of us are looking our best right now’ and I felt upset. I said ‘does that mean I’m not looking good in your eyes’ and he said he was just being honest and wasn’t going to lie. I got annoyed and said what does that even mean and he hung up angry says I’m being difficult and he doesn’t want to talk about it. Now I feel even more low on confidence and just a bit upset. I didn’t want to cause an argument - I just wanted some reassurance. But is it a bad move to go about it in that way? And is he insensitive or should I just take it as honesty. I feel hurt but I’m not sure where the blame lies. Any thoughts welcome.

Have you gained much weight OP?
His comments are hurtful and he could have definitely handled it better. But honesty is important.

Hmmm. Tricky.
You wanted platitudes and reassurance, he was being bluntly honest. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you as you are, but he is obviously feeling the same if he said ‘neither of us..’ Does that mean he’s not looking good in your eyes?

Thank you for your reply. maybe half a stone - it’s more I was just feeling a bit down about being inactive and I put quite a lot of pressure on myself.

The dude was showing empathy

I think he still looks great! That’s why I felt a bit put out as well.

Well Ive lost a lot of weight recently and inevitably look a lot older in the face. My OH has been honest about that, its true, I dont take it as offensive, the flip side is my health (didnt do it for looks and Im still overweight)

I wouldnt expect him to say 'no you look the same or much younger' because then Id be pissed off taht he was lying

Honesty is really important. And that means sometimes hearing things you aren't keen on. But the alternative is to accept that your OH sometimes lies and you're OK with that. You either want honesty or you don't mind if they lie sometimes.

That said, it's important not to be unnecessarily cruel, and it sounds as though he couched it in a way that isn't unkind - 'both of us'.

You were saying you've noticed you've put weight on, and you aren't happy about it. But you think he shouldn't have noticed it, or should be happy about it.

To me, what he said was a little insensitive. He could have said that he thought you looked lovely - and meant it - and then added if you wanted to drop a few pounds by adopting a healthier lifestyle he would support you and join you in your efforts as he was also feeling that changing things up would be beneficial for him.

If a Husband, or Wife cannot be honest about weight gain, and how they feel about it, who can? More couples should be honest about this.

Thanks for the opinions, very useful to hear an outsider perspective

That’s how I’d approach it with a friend, he does have a blunt personality though. Thank you

It is about the way you tell something.

"We don't look our best"
Vs
"I find you very attractive, if you don't think the same about yourslef maybe we can make a plan to get a bit healthier together? I was worried about my appearance recently"

I'm sorry you are upset op but I wouldn't be offended by that comment tbh, although half a stone doesn't sound like much to me! He included himself in his assessment so maybe he was talking about stress etc. Maybe he was about to suggest you both exercise together or start a healthy eating plan?

Have you both been stressed recently? How is your marriage generally? Are you in the throes of child-rearing? Many people lack time for themselves when busy parenting. Why not suggest that you find a solution together?

You walked him into a trap and he made the fatal mistake of being honest. It happens. Just move on from it. If you’re not happy with your weight or activity levels then sort it out.

I would find the latter really weasly to be honest.

We dont look our best, surely thats a fact or it isnt? Theres no judgement about it

Fact is that people age.
You will never look as good as you used to be.
It is judgemental to compare how someone looks now versus years ago.

On other side, for every cuntish bloke that tells you how you used to look better, there is one that will meet you today and think that is the best version of you ;)

You appear to have gone off at a complete tangent.

Her partner said, 'we dont look our best at the moment'

Today I have a stinking cold, greasy hair, gunge round my eyes, a spot on my lip. So I dont look my best at the moment. Thats all there is to it.

I would find this super patronising, it's how I would speak to a child.

That would still have been acknowledging she'd put on a few pounds though, wouldn't it?

I said I didn’t feel too confident getting into a bikini, in all honesty hoping for some reassurance. His response was too say ‘neither of us are looking our best right now’ and I felt upset.

What we're you hoping he'd say?

Would you have believed him if he'd said you were perfect and had nothing to worry about?

Would you have preferred he said, "Tbh, you have got a bit tubby recently?"

He went for the safest option which was to say neither of you look your best right now.

Honestly, OP, he couldn't have won with this one. What reassurance did you want?

And I would never tell person concerned about the way they look that they do not look their best because it is idiotic.
We all look worse with time.

Even if you are managing work performance (which should get better with time) I would expect more tactful way of delivering it.
There is no need to treat random children and employees with more empathy than your own partner.

OP - you know you gained weight. You know you arent looking the best - as he said. This is why you are feeling down and dreading bikini/holidays.
Yet - instead of doing something about it - you are asking him to prop you up by lying to you?
And now you are blaming him for you feeling even ‘less confident’?

This is not on him. It’s your issue to either deal with or accept.

OP, I think you caught him at a bad moment. You might be surprised and he'll have something more loving and supportive to say in due course. Don't get too gloomy and reach for that extra packet of crisps yet.

I think he was a bit insensitive saying that, but seeking reassurance is always a bit dodgy - people don't follow the script, unfortunately!