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Frequency of contact with parent

2 replies

Tiggiwinklescousin · 28/06/2024 18:36

How often do you speak to your parents? I'm trying to work out if I'm being a total bitch for wanting to try to scale things back a bit with my Dad.

My Dad expects twice daily phone calls from me (only child), once at 9am and once at 9pm, every single day without fail. He's 78 and a widower since my mum died early last year. I also go round to see him at least 3 times a week.

I'm going on holiday (only in the UK) tomorrow and he's becoming increasingly upset/depressed/sulky about the fact I haven't promised him that I'll still be phoning him religiously twice a day as 'normal'.

On the one hand, clearly the 2 x 5min phone calls don't take up much of my day and are obviously very important to him so I guess I should just carry on with them forevermore to keep him happy.

But on the other hand, I'm feeling increasingly frustrated and sort of smothered by the constant need to 'report in' to my Dad - I'm a 48yr old grandmother myself FFS!! If I don't answer his calls, he just keeps ringing repeatedly. If I continue to not answer, he turns up in a stressed panic on the doorstep!

I appreciate he's lonely since my Mum died, but it's not as if I'm the only person he has in his life - his neighbour pops in for coffee and chat daily, he goes to dinner with friends every week, he goes to the pub every Friday (also expects me to join him for this), visits my aunt weekly, visits other friends/family etc ...he has more of a social life than I do!

Am I wrong to think that him expecting twice daily phone calls is a bit excessive? Especially given we have nothing to actually say to each other? Each conversation follows a script. It probably doesn't help that we're like chalk and cheese with literally nothing in common. If we weren't father/daughter I can't see anyway we would even like each other as people.

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 28/06/2024 18:55

I think it more than reasonable for you to cut down the phone calls, and his expectation is way too high. IMO once a day would be too much unless he was totally housebound.
I’ve spent many a holiday waiting for DH get off he phone to his elderly mum (because she wanted to chat) and it marrs the time away.

He can sulk and strop all he likes, as long as he is not ill or in danger there is no need for the calls while you are away. Does he have an emergency call pendant in case he needs help?

The holiday can be your reset. Have the time away, then let him know when you get back you will call for a longer chat, but less often.

oldestmumaintheworld · 28/06/2024 18:59

I speak to my 90 year old Dad once a week. We catch up, chat about the family, the news and generally gossip for an hour and then done. It's lovely. But it's enough - for both of us. Twice a day is excessive and must make you feel trapped. Gradually cut back.

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