Messages

[crazystar]

Argh! Hate I'm that woman...

Heard old voice notes from partner to his ex , very loving - we met six years ago after relationships of our own (marriages), i was listening thinking they were to me but then saw the dates and noticed they were few months before we met..

The messages and still having them not the issue, he's forgetful and I know not kept for any sentimental reason - it's the nature of messages , terms of endearment etc exactly the same as to me ..and he uses words like he's in love

He never told me he was in love with his ex !

Realistically, the chances were high that at some point he was in love with his ex.
The issue here is being loving to someone just months before you met. At best the gap between you was a very short one, but also, could there have been an overlap, were you the OW?
Be honest, haven't you loved a prior ex at some point? We all have a past.

So - let me understand..... Over six years ago he was with someone.... And sent messages... and used same words he uses in relationship.
And he subsequently did not engage in deep dive analysis of that relationship with you???

I think you need to LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!....
He did NOT inform you of depth of his feeling in previous relationship. He clearly throws around worlds of love as a habit. He did NOT come up with different love vocabulary with you. --- While you gave him a binder on all your past relationships with comprehensive analysis of each. And you use totally different words and phrases to denote your feelings in every new partnering.
You do not fit!!!

OR, alternatively - stop for a second and think - what is going on with me? Why am I doubting myself and our relationship? Is something off with me?

You feel the way you do because you chose to invade his privacy.

I'd be fuming if my DH thought this sort of behaviour was ok and think he got exactly what he deserved.

How and why did you go snooping to find them?!!! Did you not love your ex? I cannot understand this at all.

Me ex died. That's a different story he's a divorcee

I wasn't snooping ! I needed to use his iPad to record myself for a presentation at work and then stumbled across them , literally thinking "this is sweet he's kept his messages to me," as they are so similar to ones I received early days of our relationship- guess he's a quick mover , or as I know feels very deeply quick , not like me. I knew of his ex , definitely over laps - they were together 8 months and we've been together 6 years and have kids now

No overlaps * I mean

It's just the language and not thinking they were that deep, especially as we both came out of long marriages - he had several relationships post divorce and I had none before I met him after losing my late husband to cancer.

Absolute rubbish.

You say 'messages'.

If you weren't snooping you, would've stopped on the first message the minute you realised your 'mistake'.

You can't go looking for sympathy now. You burned your own fingers here.

Are you going to tell him you invaded his privacy?

Retroactive jealousy is very toxic.

He was with someone for 6 years - obviously he was in love with her. Why would he have stayed with her otherwise?

Unless you're someone's first romantic partner you really can't expect to be their one and only first true love. It's just unrealistic.

I've deeply loved many people in my life and I'm only late 20's - it won't mean I love the next person I find any less. Just differently.

Oh and stop snooping in his phone

Oh man I had a situation like this but what pissed me off is my partner had always made a huge deal out of never being in love before, never having a serious gf, never having strong feelings etc before me. I've had a few serious relationships and a child and a marriage so it's not the fact he couldn't tell me 😂🤔 but then I found letters in a used notepad whilst writing a list and it was a bit shocking to me because he'd been writing love letters to his ex who I'd never heard of and was only 18 months before he met me. I think he just didn't want to talk to me about his past which is fine, but it did feel a bit like he'd lied about things with no reason to.

You were snooping. Even if you weren't actively looking for them, you chose to open files that you knew weren't yours and listen to them.

And now you've realised they're nothing to do with you you're getting upset about them, even though your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong.

He had a romantic life before you. Yes he will have loved other people before you. Yes he will have said similar stuff to exes that he says to you. He is, after all, the same person.

Get over it.

Snooping fow shizzle.

But the rest is human nature, he's probably been to various holiday spots, days out, pubs, bars, restaurants, with his ex before so calling you the same things is par for the course.

Everybody has previous relationships and had feelings for others before their current partners. If there was no overlap there is no issue apart from your irrational jealousy.

Sorry , they were together 8 months I meant
He told me about her and previous relationships

No issues with that just the love bit!

I wasn't snooping , I thought they were the messages he sent to me until he said a different name

As explained not snooping
I thought messages were to me

He may have come down in the last shower of fools, but you might credit MNetters with a bit more intelligence.

Your excuse covers one message but you read more than one.

That's snooping.

Who saves voice notes anyway? On what app were they?

I don't even know ! Maybe a default
He didn't know he had them