I am mid 60s, widowed several years ago after a long and happy marriage. Met someone a couple of years older through a local interest group and recently started dating. We have had 5/6 dates so far and we get on incredibly well, lots in common etc. He is genuinely lovely, wants to make me happy etc (as I do him) but: -
He had a long marriage to someone who was unfaithful which hurt him a lot, although he says he trusts me (but initially said afraid of being hurt). He separated from his wife over a decade ago and they live separately, but are still on good terms, which I regard as a positive, especially as they have an adult DC together. He says he loves her like a sister now. However, they have never divorced - originally he said it was to do with the pension, then that they hadn't got round to it. He has been very open with me about all this, but I do find it slightly odd.
It was all going very well then 'ex' had serious mental breakdown and is currently hospitalised which he is, understandably, very upset and concerned about, and also closely involved in treatment decisions etc (he is still next of kin). He is quite depressed and I know that he finds me a great support, which I want to continue to be. He says he wants her to be well but has previously said ie before she was so ill, that he felt trapped. My reading of the situation is that she is still very dependent on him (they shared a bubble in lockdown) and apparently she would like them to get back together, but he says that he doesn't want that and that his mental health wouldn't last more than 12 months.
However, a couple of things concern me. Apart from the fact that they are not actually divorced, he said to me once that I had the same middle name as her, same build, same eye colour, even her cat's name is the same as my cat (although sadly lost cat recently). He was being very open - I think he was asking himself that's why he likes me and it has planted a seed. And, although I know that it is very early on to use the 'L' word, I think I was growing to love him quite quickly - the relationship exploded very fast - and he said he was 'falling in love' with me.
Now, it's a case of I am someone he could love, wants us to go on holiday together, have adventures together, sees me as big part of his future, wants me to meet his DC in due course etc, although for the moment I have to remain a secret. He said he has loved once, as have I, and I still grieve for my DH, which is my 'baggage'. We agreed that it would be odd not to have baggage at our age. He seems very keen for us to be close - said he was 'honoured' when I cried (about DH) as it showed that I trusted him and that my 'walls were coming down'.
But I am finding it all a bit difficult, not least because I am struggling to navigate a new relationship after so many years. And, although I completely understand his current situation and want to support him, there is a selfish part of me that wants him to love me as DH loved me (we fell in love at first sight so I know that my experience has given me unrealistic expectations).
Also, he has ED which I know is not uncommon at this age. At first, with encouragement this could be overcome, but now he is depressed he just wants to give pleasure to me. He is very generous in this regard, but it makes me feel under pressure to climax as he says if I don't he 'isn't doing his job properly'. And it has made me realise that maybe my DH didn't do much to please me, although we loved each other so much.
I don't know what I'm asking really, and of course the relationship is at a very early stage (although I make my mind up very quickly). And he can't even stay the night because he is looking after the wife's cat! 🙈😂