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Original poster

Advice on “the ick”

27 replies

chiara12 · 27/06/2024 21:33

Finally dipped my toe in the dating pond and got chatting to a guy I thought was lovely. We really clicked and everything seemed to be going well.

We met up a few times and the last time we met something changed for me, I’ve gone from acting like a love struck teenager with him to feeling disgusted every time he messages me. The sad part is he’s still acting like a love struck teenager and it’s putting me off him even more. I feel so bad.

After our last date he wanted to meet up the next evening which he knew I couldn’t for childcare reasons so he tried to invite himself to mine.

He then started saying how as my plans had changed for the weekend could he see me then. Also then wanted to know what I’m doing in a couple of weeks for my birthday and could he take me out.

These things all sound sweet but I now feel like I’m suffocating, I’m finding it way too much 😂😅 I’m now dodging his many calls and messages, he’s definitely noticing.

Anyone else experience this? How do I let him down gently, I feel so bad as he seems lovely but I don’t think I can get back the attraction and this is too intense too soon for me.

OP posts:
voiceofastar · 27/06/2024 23:02

It sounds more like instinct than ick. Why is he calling you so much?

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 23:04

How many dates you had over what timeframe?

WellThatsNice · 27/06/2024 23:05

There’s no coming back from the ick, imo...

MoonshineSon · 27/06/2024 23:09

The ick isn't a thing here. You liked him. Realised you he wasn't for you, he carried liking you.
Just end it. It happens.

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 23:09

MoonshineSon · 27/06/2024 23:09

The ick isn't a thing here. You liked him. Realised you he wasn't for you, he carried liking you.
Just end it. It happens.

The fucking ick. I wish people would fuck off with that phrase!

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 27/06/2024 23:10

I think I'd just be honest and say something like 'really sorry but things have become too full on too quickly and it's over reached where I'm comfortable. Really sorry to pour cold water, but this isn't for me. Wish you lots of luck finding your match.'

Maplelady · 27/06/2024 23:13

I got the ick for these exact reasons a few years back. I wish I’d listened to my gut but convinced myself that I was being mean and he just really liked me. By trying to invite himself over he’s pushing your boundaries. It gives me the ick too

livelovelough24 · 27/06/2024 23:19

Hello OP, not sure what you are asking. You are dating someone you do not like, it seems very simple to me. You need to break this up.

Getitgirl · 27/06/2024 23:23

I sympathise. Frame it another way: the ick is your body’s way of alerting you to a fundamental incompatibility.

@UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing has the perfect text

mummyuptheriver · 27/06/2024 23:30

It could be two things

  1. you don’t fancy him
  2. when it started getting real your subconscious got scared and the “ick” is actually a fear response.

Spend a little time thinking through which it is. If it’s 2) it will keep happening and you might miss a great person because fear has taken over.

I say this from lived experience!

wrped · 27/06/2024 23:34

why is it when a woman can be a love struck teenager its fine but when a man does it, gives you the ick

dont waste his time and let him move on

LaughingCat · 27/06/2024 23:42

I get it - that sounds quite smothering. When DH and I met, what I liked about him was his ability to give me my own space, even in the lovestruck honeymoon period. I still like that about him! A lot of the chemistry in these situations is just about timing - and you two have fallen out of sync.

Let him down gently and get back out there 😊

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 27/06/2024 23:43

wrped · 27/06/2024 23:34

why is it when a woman can be a love struck teenager its fine but when a man does it, gives you the ick

dont waste his time and let him move on

I think it’s just as weird when a woman acts like a “love struck teenager”. I think it makes most people uncomfortable to feel suffocated by a almost stranger.

MoonshineSon · 28/06/2024 00:17

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 23:09

The fucking ick. I wish people would fuck off with that phrase!

Show quote history

It's such bollocks isn't it!

Opencabinet · 28/06/2024 00:20

Yeah definitely end it. No coming back

FictionalCharacter · 28/06/2024 00:21

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 27/06/2024 23:10

I think I'd just be honest and say something like 'really sorry but things have become too full on too quickly and it's over reached where I'm comfortable. Really sorry to pour cold water, but this isn't for me. Wish you lots of luck finding your match.'

This is perfect.
OP don’t worry about it too much. People break it off very early all the time.

Opentooffers · 28/06/2024 00:56

Can you pinpoint what it was that gave you the ick? Did he say or do something.
Since then, I'd be put off by any man who'd think it's OK to go to a woman's house he's only had a few dates with, because she has her DC's to look after. Totally missing the inappropriateness of that. Does he have any DC's himself? How did he go about trying to invite himself?
I think maybe tell him it's been too much too soon and you're not feeling comfortable with it anymore so would rather not continue and wish him well, job done.

Pantaloons99 · 28/06/2024 01:02

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 27/06/2024 23:10

I think I'd just be honest and say something like 'really sorry but things have become too full on too quickly and it's over reached where I'm comfortable. Really sorry to pour cold water, but this isn't for me. Wish you lots of luck finding your match.'

There you go. Say this. It's honest, it's respectful and it's assertive. It's your instinct telling you there's something not right for me here. So, you deal with it assertively but kindly. He sounds like he might guilt trip you or refuse to take your decision. Don't explain anything more than this. End it and move on

Bittenonce · 28/06/2024 10:07

Let him down gently? Better to just be honest, don't lead him on or ghost him, just say 'sorry but I'm just not feeling it, there's no point in us seeing each other'.
Then cut.
Don't stress about it, just be straight with him.

Original poster
chiara12 · 28/06/2024 13:24

Yes it’s a lot already we are only 3 dates in. I was in an abusive relationship before where I was love bombed and things moved fast so I’m really cautious to not have that happen again.

He’s even wanting to meet this weekend which means bringing his son around me when I have my child and doesn’t see it as a problem even though we barely know each other. I already have plans too but he’s asking if my plans are still going ahead and suggesting he see me otherwise 🙄

I think as well when I last saw him he was moaning how far I lived from him - nearly an hour. But then was saying how everyone in his area knows him so he prefers dating outside of his area now which made me a bit suspicious - and also made me wonder how many others there are all over the place 😂

I know what I need to do I think I just hate upsetting people which is how I’ve ended up in bad relationships in the past. Thanks everyone 🩷

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 28/06/2024 13:48

chiara12 · 28/06/2024 13:24

Yes it’s a lot already we are only 3 dates in. I was in an abusive relationship before where I was love bombed and things moved fast so I’m really cautious to not have that happen again.

He’s even wanting to meet this weekend which means bringing his son around me when I have my child and doesn’t see it as a problem even though we barely know each other. I already have plans too but he’s asking if my plans are still going ahead and suggesting he see me otherwise 🙄

I think as well when I last saw him he was moaning how far I lived from him - nearly an hour. But then was saying how everyone in his area knows him so he prefers dating outside of his area now which made me a bit suspicious - and also made me wonder how many others there are all over the place 😂

I know what I need to do I think I just hate upsetting people which is how I’ve ended up in bad relationships in the past. Thanks everyone 🩷

First, most importantly: I’m so pleased to see you writing that you’ve realised you need to stop putting others before yourself! Really good news.

Second, the more you wrote about him, the more I thought your ‘ick’ was actually well founded, so good news again - you’ve got instincts you can trust!

RefusingToPlayYourGames · 28/06/2024 13:49

MoonshineSon · 28/06/2024 00:17

It's such bollocks isn't it!

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I agree, it's absolute bollocks

SamW98 · 28/06/2024 13:51

It’s way too much too soon from him and it would feel a bit desperate to me.

You can stop saying anyone for any reason. You don’t have to go into too much detail just text him saying ‘this isn’t working for me and think we need to end it here. Wishing you well ‘

Sookafatwan · 28/06/2024 14:06

3 dates or 3 weeks, whichever comes first, he'll be wanting some action, probably why he's ramped up the affection.

DixonD · 28/06/2024 14:19

It sounds like he’s just come on way too strong for you and it’s put you off. I’ve experienced the fear response mentioned above many times but I don’t think it’s this so much with you - he’s just way too full on for anyone at such an early stage.

Just be kind when you tell him.

And it made me laugh what you said about not dating in his area - how many others there could be 😂. He’s definitely not married/taken is he?!