Retroactive jealousy

[Autumcolors]

Anyone been on the receiving end of retroactive jealousy?
Did your DP/DH get help and things improved?
Its been just over a year. It goes up and down.
At the point I’m just wondering what others have experienced.

a year and he is behaving like this? Or it’s emerged over the last year? My response will vary on your answer. But fundamentally it’s not your problem to fix.

I have yes. My partner had it for 3 years. It made him abusive and the relationship was awful, the mental impact on me was horrific. However he did get help eventually. It took something extreme to happen to him though. I do believe it is a bad mental illness and not enough is known about it. I still can't understand what would make a person feel/think like that.

I suffered (and so did my ex DPs) with this for most of my life.
It is a form of OCD and is hell for the sufferer and hell for the partner.

I honestly would advise you to split up with this person unless they are truly committed to getting help and doing the work involved. It is NOT easy to get over and you can't help them by avoiding certain topics of conversation.
If they don't get the help and do the work you will be punished forever for having a past.

I'd recommend Zachary Stockhill's books and videos on Retroactive Jealousy as this was the only thing that helped me recover.

It is a form of OCD

Really? Where did you discover this?

Does that mean getting help for OCD is required?

Thank you for your responses.
I really do know it isn’t my problem to fix.
It started out of the blue a little over a year ago. I have a very tame past but he is fixated on it. He goes up and down.
I know refuse to discuss it. But he will go on and on at me.
He agrees he has retroactive jealousy. I’ve realized he needs to move out.
@CryptoFascist I have found Zachery Stockhill. I’m going to send the information Tony DH. DH has a therapist but has been dropped by him it seems.
@My3loves could I message you please? Or maybe you are willing to tell me what help your partner got.

Im so relieved to get some replies

Linked any question where the issue is a possible mental health problem that translates into abusive behaviour, my answer is: poor mental health is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. If his mental health means he is treating you badly, unless he seeks help and truly makes the effort, the relationship is doomed.

Exactly the same experience here. I put up with things I'd never have thought I would. I truly believe he had some kind of breakdown. It's taken a long time to heal from the destruction it caused.

Who has diagnosed this? I've only heard of it on here, where abusive partners use it to absolve themselves of responsibility and heap more guilt on to and to get more control of their partner. 'Ah you can't question or challenge my abusive behaviour, it's not my fault....'

Can you not just end it ? Have you got kids?

Easy to get jealous, if you're still in love. No contact other than what's absolutely necessary, need to break the emotional addiction.

It's his issue to address in therapy, isn't for you to fix, he needs to move out now

I think you have misunderstood the issue

My DH experienced this. He also has OCD to varied extents and can fixate on issues. It's usually health related but on this occasion he became fixated on my previous relationships.
He's not a jealous person so this really threw me and I didn't actually understand it as OCD (and neither did he at the time).
It was stressful and very annoying. In the end I gave him an ultimatum. One more fishing for information/validation comment and we were finished - and I meant it. I refused to discuss the topic in any shape or form.
You can resist the compulsions that come with OCD but it's hard. Once his fixation around this finally wore off he couldn't really understand why he'd been so bothered. OCD is a form of anxiety in the main.

I am old enough to be your mother. The one piece of advice I would give everyone is "Don't ever go into a relationship with someone who obviously needs fixing"

Um, the OP has suggested that he has mental health problems - reactive jealousy - and someone else has said it's part of OCD.

My point though was that it doesn't matter. Whether it's an actual MH problem or not, abuse is abuse and is not okay. So I think we actually agree even though you're acting like I've said something outrageous?

Yep. It doesn't matter why. If it's bothering you and making you unhappy you can end the relationship. It's not up to you to fix it.
I was supportive up to a point but it was ruining our relationship and I wasn't prepared to live like that.

We do agree! Am asking op if it's her partner saying ' I have retroactive jealousy, so you can't say anything about how I treat you'! @IdLikeToBeAFraser

Aah, sorry @DoreenonTill8 I totally misunderstood that and was v confused! :)

@Beamur And this was successful? How did he stop fixating. Do you know? My DH goes up and down. It’s like a wave.

Does your partner acknowledge that he is being unreasonable OP? Or is he interrogating you about your past endlessly without seeing how emotionally abusive it is?

Either way it's abuse, I just wonder whether he can see it or not.

A year is a long time for someone to abuse you. One day is too long, of course, but a year must be having a huge impact on your mental health

Honestly, why are you taking this on for him? You seem to be looking for some magical solution can you can present to him, and all will be better. But it won't. Because he wont' even do the first thing which is find a therapist and do the work. He's been "dropped" by the therapist? Well, either that's a blatant lie or it's true and it's a sign that he was refusing to engage. Why hasn't he found a new therapist?

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to sound like I'm havnig a go at you but I don't understand the sympathy for him. His behaviour is shit. He's jealous of men you were with in the past. That is not rational and there should be zero tolerance.

@CryptoFascist this is really interesting. How did you find out that it was a form of OCD?

As child I had compulsive hand washing OCD. As a teen and in my 20s I suffered from retroactive jealousy which destroyed otherwise healthy relationships. I never attributed this behaviour to OCD.

Now in my 40s with children and my OCD takes the form of pretty brutal health anxiety which I’m in ongoing therapy for. Really trying to get it under control. Wonder what’s in store for my 50s… :)

I'd agree it is linked to anxiety - I had a couple of months like this when I was (what I now know to be) in a hyperthyroid state, which causes anxiety. I just wanted to check if he has any other medical issues at the moment, as now I am medicated I am feeling like a different person without the quite physical issues of anxiety let alone mental strain.

Not saying you need to fix him, just that there might be an easier answer than years of therapy if he could potentially have hyperthyroidism. Clues for me were intense hunger, mood swings, losing weight and muscle but first I had an embolism (2x more likely to with hyperthyroidism, so I had to work backwards from the clot to figure out it was my thyroid).

No help just solidarity.

Went through it with 2 partners, both turned abusive - one emotional (calling me all kinds of names under the sun, as status quo), it actually turned out he was cheating constantly throughout the relationship (we didn't live together). The other was physically abusive when he got drunk (he was always "remorseful" afterwards), this only happened after we moved in together.

Wish I ditched both at the first sign of it, but I was too young and naive. I was miserable during both and kept feeling like I did something wrong (I hadn't). Both relationships went on too long and my self-worth was in tatters.

@autumcolours

Yes feel free to message. I'm not sure I will have much advice regarding the help he received but I think having somebody to talk to who understands is a good thing