And he's back in the parenting room!

[ACatCalledPushka]

My ExH left in 2012 for the OW (previous looong thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1559837-He-wants-to-separate?)

He left for the OW when the DDs were 14wks, 2 and 6. For the last 12 yrs he's had the children EOW. In that time he's lived between 1 and 2 hours away. I met someone a few months after he left and he's raised the children as his own since then.

Over the last year our eldest DDs (now 17 and 14) have wanted to go with dad less and less - as they're teenagers and have their own plans. I would never know when they would be staying here instead of spending the weekend with him as he'd just tell me on the day of pick up who he'd be picking up, and the kids wouldn't bother to tell me either. It would always come as a surprise.

Earlier this month he moved 20mins away. He had the children on the weekend he moved in and then for the next week or so they just stayed there for the most part and I would have to ask him/them where the children would be staying each night - I get it, him and they, are excited that he's closer. But again no one communicated with me. I've tried to be chilled out about it but obviously it hurts hugely.

I asked for some clarity of when they'd be with me and he sent a spreadsheet - and in the last week the spreadsheet has gone out of the window! With the kids staying way more than agreed. Again I understand they're all very happy to be with each other.

Today my youngest DD (12), told me that yesterday while spending the night with her dad she had McDonalds for dinner as dad came home late and the OW is away for work. The same thing happened last weekend when dad forgot to organise lunch for them.

Am so miffed off that they think this is a treat when for the last 12 years I've batched cooked nutritious meals on the weekends they weren't here. Am also miffed off that he's left them in the house on their own when DD2's (14) bf lives round the corner and they should not be home alone together.

ExH can be abusive (but only to me), manipulative, and downright awful.

Just not sure how to handle this. I never criticise him in front of the girls but from little snippets I hear from the kids, he's running me down royally - to the point when DD2 came back tonight, I said that it was great to see her because I've missed her - she looked at me quizzically and said 'really'?.

I don't think there's anything wrong with them eating McDonald's a couple of times a month? Surely it's good they see it as a treat instead of a day to day regular meal?
It's pretty cheap as treats go, and they tell you when they have it so it's no secret.
I guess it's the wider feeling of being kept in the dark, and that their dad can seem to pick and choose the fun parts of parenting.
It's a good thing they have two homes they feel they can come and go from in quite a fluid way.
I think to try and adhere to spreadsheets and stuff might end in resentment from all sides.

Disney Dad. McDonalds and unsupervised boyfriend time. 😕

Absolutely nothing wrong with a treat McDonalds a couple of times a month but twice in a week because he was unable to give a nutritious meal 🤷🏼‍♀️.

It’s not just a couple of times a month it’s twice weekly and if that is regularly it’s pretty shit.

They love being there because they are unsupervised and allowed to eat shit.

Classic Disney dad with no boundaries, no safeguarding and no clue because another grown up has done all the parenting.
be prepared for his next move to be turning the girls against your partner.

@CountFucula @ACatCalledPushka yeah, when you put it that way. The Disney dad thing is very real. My Dad was like that, I thought it was normal in the 80s. It shouldn't be now though should it.

He’s already done that.

DD1 (ASD) has already been turned. (ExH told me I was mental to think she had autism -until she was diagnosed with autism).

I just don’t know what to do. DDs are obviously happy that he’s now local. But he’s not been a ‘proper parent’ for 12 yrs and beyond being the Disney dad I’m not confident he knows what to do.

i want to safeguard my girls but not ‘spoil the party’.

I obviously feel a little hurt about their enthusiasm for dad after years of him doing the minimum for them, and of course the day after he moved in he contacted the CMS before he contacted me, But hey ho - it may be about the money to him but it’s not to me.

And so it starts. He didn’t get back to his house until 8pm on Wednesday night so the children had a late McDonalds for dinner.

Second McDonalds since the weekend! DD3 is overweight and I try to batch cook all meals from the Pinch of Nom cook books.

Oh lass I really feel for you and have an equally manipulative/useless exh who does thing like this, including the constant take aways and unlimited gaming time etc ... It's all aimed at you, he now's exactly what he's doing, it's a form of reactive abuse (nasty bitter little men never stop being nasty bitter little men), I'm so sorry - it is truly emotionally exhausting and so hurtful

I think it's a case of gritting your teeth for a while. It's all new and shines for the dds at the moment and insisting they come home will only make it worse.

I had a similar thing happen when my ex got into a stable relationship and eow weekend went to 50/50. I was incredibly hurt, that after all those years (and the hardest years tbh) my dd wanted it. I still am tbh as it was handled badly, no one talked to me it was just announced. It's worked well and my dd now spends more time with me because her dad is shit tbh. His gf does most of the parenting and they don't make the effort as I do.

What I'm saying is at the age the dc's are now maybe just suggest one week on, one week off.

Do you think he's angling for you to pay him maintenance? I'm sure my ex motivation was money.

Are the older girls protective of the youngster? Could you worry about all the Macdonalds being less than ideal for a little one, and hope they pick up on it?

Teens rarely take direction, but can be suggestible. They may also feel she should be supervised better. And that they shouldn't be expected to babysit routinely.

Sometimes big sisters can expect very high standards of care for their little ones- and think they should be the ones relaxing the rules and buying Macdonalds as a treat, not the parents!

@ACatCalledPushka This is ringing so many bells for me. I’m in a very similar position so I have no wise words, only solidarity with you.

I hate feeling so powerless but I’m clinging on to the hope that the DC will recognise him for what he is and as they get older the need for me to have anything at all to do with him
will fade.

Makes me laugh the term Disney dad this is used by bitter women.

How is a parent supposed to parent when they have them eow and try laying down rules for the children then not want to go and are enabled by the rp?

I understand your frustration and your anger towards him.
However, he's their father and he's going to be a part of their lives. The best way for you to brace yourselves for the next 10+ years of co-parenting, is to be the bigger woman and try not to let him get to you. Because if he can rile you up, he's won.

You've had your children with you for 12 years without much disturbance. You need to trust that you've done an excellent job at parenting them and that the foundations of the things you've taught them are still in there somewhere. When the enthusiasm of their dad moving closer dies down, eventually they'll start to see through him.
Try to see the bigger picture. Don't focus on the little things - even though constant junk food and being left unsupervised isn't little, I just mean in the grand scheme of things - and try to ask yourself:

1. What can I do right now that's going to help my children develop into happy, healthy adults?
2. How can I give some counteraction to the things he does as a parent that I don't agree with, but without engaging in unneccessary conflict? If he does McD twice a week, keep making sure they eat healthy when they're with you. If your DD has unsupervised boyfriend visits, can you talk to her about being responsible, about birth control, about valuing herself and her body, about avoiding pressure, ...? It's not fair that you not only have to parent them but also work extra hard to compensate for his shortcomings, but it's your reality and your daughters will be grateful when they're old enough to realise what you did
3. How can I manage my own emotions towards my ex so I don't burden my children even more with negative messages? Keep being a loving, caring mother. Actions speak louder than words. He may tell them all sorts of things about you. You just show them the truth: that you love them, care about them, work your ass off to give them everything they need, ...
4. How can I make this situation liveable for me? If you need structure, insist on the spreadsheet. You'll be the one enforcing this. Fine, take on that role. This is something you need and it's perfectly okay to ask for it.
5. How can I give my children a safe place with me to talk about their dad when he does eventually let them down? First thing is that they need to feel that you're not bitter, not full of resentment, and you won't take their hurt as an opportunity to start badmouthing their father. When they do complain, make it about them, about how they feel, and encourage them to take mature steps to communicate with their dad about how they feel. That way, when he does eventually show his true colours, they won't be afraid to come talk to you about it.

As a child of divorced parents myself, I know the appeal of the dad without boundaries. I also know it doesn't take long for a child to notice that all the fast food and freedom in the world doesn't make up for shitty and neglectful parenting. Give them time, don't undermine their loyalty to their dad. They will come back to you.

Bide your time. I suspect the OW will grow tired of having his teenage kids hanging around all the time. I bet she starts to lean on him to wean off the visits before too long.

Aren't you trying to make yourself a star? Batch cooking all these nutritious meals and yet your youngest is still overweight? Can't be just the McDonalds in the last few weeks.

I am not excusing the dad, but maybe as he hasn't been present so much he just wants the kids to be happy there.

Sorry that you've gone through this too. Yes it's incredibly hurtful. And he comes back when the kids no longer need to be driven to and from school, no sitting down with them to supervise homework, phonics, reading, bedtime stories, supervising baths etc.

Like you, no one told me. He just presented it as a 'done deal'. To be sent a spreadsheet after 12yrs was a real kicker.

Yes I do think part of the motivation is money. Despite earning more than twice what I do - and I have a fairly good job - he's underpaid maintenance for years. I never made a big deal about it. A few months ago, he decided he was overpaying maintenance because he took the weekly CMS figure and tried to convince me that by multiplying it by four, that should be his monthly payment (am sure he realises there's more than 48 weeks in a year)!

By no means a star - have just tried to do my best for the last 12 years that he's been absent.

@Alphavilla To be fair she's a much better parent than he is. She's always wanted children and treats my children as such. But they both irregular hours, often work late and have to go away for work.