Friendship that changes over time?

[AmIreallyThisAge]

I have a friend who I met over 20 years ago. We met through a hobby and since then she has gone on a slightly different but related interest, I stopped doing mine after 20 odd years last year due to personal reasons.

We have some mutual friends who we met through this hobby.

I know my friend is essentially a good person BUT is it bad that I can't face seeing her? We don't live nearby but find any interaction with her in person quite stressful.

We both have children. Her children are the BEST most wonderful and talented in the world and I'm always made to feel like my child is not as good. I don't think she sets out to deliberately do this but it's how I end up feeling after years of interaction.

She is very strong willed and quite domineering - it's her way or the high way and she tends to cover things with the caveat "I've known you forever so I will tell it like it is" giving no thoughts as to how hurtful that will be.

I don't wish to end our friendship but I don't really want to interact more as I worry about meeting, feel overwhelmed when we do, and after feel exhausted and rung out.

Is it bad to think that friendships change over time?

Op i have a friend like this. I wouldn't go as far as to say she says anything that makes me feel my own aren't good enough , and deep down I know she loves my girls and wants the best for them (probably your friend does too) it's just the constant bragging about her own which I find stressful. Hours and hours of stories that start from the time they woke up to the time they went to parents evening and the teacher said this and her kids are doing this and that and they are the best for everything. Which isn't the part that annoys me i just wish she would take a breath and ask me how I am at any point in our chat and maybe that's what it is for you it's all her her her and even when she's trying to give you advice because she's known you for so long , it sounds like it's still all about her. I have tried in the past just to try and get a word in about myself rather then wait and I'll be honest it doesn't work. She listens for a minute or two then finds away to speak about herself... I am slowly cutting her off...

I don't wish to end our friendship but I don't really want to interact more as I worry about meeting, feel overwhelmed when we do, and after feel exhausted and rung out.

I don’t see how can carry on being friends with her but not actually interact with her. It sounds like you actually do want to end the friendship!

…which is ok.
Sometimes you are friends with someone only because of the shared interest and you find you don’t have much in common outside of it.

Of course friendships change over time, as we all change. I’ve got one friend I’ve known for forty years, but during that time a lot of others have come and gone. Friends are people who make life better for you. Sometimes they may need to offload their problems, sometimes you may, and sometimes they (or you) say or do things that are uncomfortable but a strong friendship will overcome the odd bump in the road. Seeing friends should not be stressful or worrying.

It sounds as if you bonded over this mutual hobby which you are no longer doing, and without it you don’t really have a strong friendship. It’s fine, move on. You don’t have to cut her dead, just don’t be available to meet up.

Why wouldn’t you want to end it? You don’t like her for understandable reasons, if she’s generally this rude and given to monologues about her offspring.

What is more mysterious is why the hobby was so engrossing that it appears to have made you put up with her for 20 years? Or was it a sport that meant she didn’t have time or breath to talk much?

It sounds like you don't want to end the friendship in the sense that you would like to not fall out with each other, stay "friends", but not spend any time together.

It is frustrating when someone has the potential to be a good friend, but unfortunately spoils it by being an asshole in some way. But I think you either need to have a difficult conversation with her, or just back off. How do you think she would take it if you actually said out loud "I never feel good after seeing you - you want me to admire your life, but show no interest in mine"? I have a few thick skinned friends who would actually be fine with that, although probably unable to change.

At the end of the day, if spending time with her makes you feel worse about yourself (and not in a "if she can do C25k then by god I can too" way) then just give her the wide swerve.

Yes, the bottom line is - if you feel worse after meeting a friend, and if this isn’t an unusual occurrence, then what’s the point?
You’re not getting anything out of this “friendship” and honestly life is too short for this.No need for drama, but I’d let it drift

As a PP said, some friendships last a very long time whilst many other seemingly more compelling friendships fall by the wayside. I have been friends with someone for nearly 50 years and over that time our friendship has changed like the scenery on a long journey. There have been times when we have seen less of each other - perhaps years - because of family commitments et cetera but I’m always glad to hear from her and meet with her whenever I can (maybe two or three times a year now). She isn’t perfect, but neither am I, and we know our own faults as much as each other’s. It’s like being tethered to a very very long piece of string, and I can’t believe we won’t be friends until one of us dies.

But despite your 20 years of knowing each other, it does sound as though your friendship has run its course, especially if there is no joy for you in it any more. Unless this is a just a recent phase. Do you have enough behind your 20 years’ standing to gently tease her about it? It might do her good to know!

Thanks all for your replies. I can't specify too much as it would identify who we are.

I was there for her during some really tough times in her life. And to be fair she was good to me in times of crisis also.

Because we have mutual friends I still keep loosely in touch but we are going on holiday and will be going past her door. Normally I would stop but I don't honestly think I can face it.

I feel I need to hide where I am on socials as I know she would be offended that I'm not making the effort to visit when I'm nearby.

I don't want to have a huge argument but feel slightly passive. This year I had a mental breakdown and I'm only starting to get back on track, the self care aspect is hard for me but I feel this is self care not putting myself in positions of vulnerability.