I am separated from DH the past 6 weeks, but he still wants to make it work. Our dc9 is miserable at the family breakdown and i know this is affecting her even more than she lets on- my own parents' divorce fucked me up royally for most of my adult life to date. DH wants us to start counselling and set some new goals for our marriage. We did counselling for almost a year before and within another year the same issues were surfacing (different argument/communication styles, different approaches to parenting, different needs for attention/conversation, resentment about past arguments.) I don't really miss DH much; I think over the years he has become quite spoilt and entitled due to his well paid career, and he is physically and emotionally quite lazy and has moods/sulks which affect everyone. He now thinks he has Aspergers which would explain a lot and i tend to agree. I do miss our shared jokes, our affection, silly things like his smile, his cooking, and we enjoy the same things like holidays, walks, bookshops, cinema, eating out etc. He is an ok dad to DC, though as I said quite lazy, hardly ever takes her out without being asked and doesn't do stuff like homework/school stuff or organising playdates/emotional support/taking her out on her bike even when the weather's a bit rubbish... the 'boring' stuff he leaves all that stuff to me. But regardless DC misses him and they do love video gaming together, it's their thing and I hate it.
I basically left because I was extremely depressed and lonely. I felt like DH and I had nothing to talk about anymore and we were arguing badly at times. we hadnt had sex in almost a year, because i just dont fancy him due to weight he has gained and poor hygiene as well as the arguments but I could never tell him about the weight thing as it would upset him. I felt so stressed by not knowing what to do about us that it was affecting my job and I was put on a PiP (which has now been lifted as I passed my probation period, thank god.) I couldnt hack the idea of not feeling sexual attraction. My resentment was growing to the point that things like his nail-biting habit and the tone of his voice and the fact he didnt put his socks in the laundry basket, made me really angry. We had arguments around DC that made me feel so guilty. So, i left with DC and went to stay with family. So far DC and I have been ok- seeing family lots, spending more time together, talking more. Dh and I have talked a bit. He's incredibly hurt and occasionally angry. We have both cried a lot on the phone.
The main thing I am 'mourning', I think, is our life together though. Together, we live in a really nice part of the city in a flat with garden, we have a very good household income, and we never worry about money. I grew up in poverty pretty much, and having that financial security and being able to enjoy life has never ceased to make me feel good and safe. We are able to save a lot which is important to me. We holiday several times a year, DC has whatever she needs and really good christmases/birthdays, I have been able to pursue a hobby that i never could before. Separated, i am ok financially- I work, can afford rent and bills and healthy food, a weekly activity for DC and bits and bobs she wants/needs, but I dont have any extra childcare support to do my own stuff and I also dont think I would necessarily want to go on the same holidays or do the same days out without another adult, even if i could afford a pared down version of my old life. I dont see myself wanting to get into another relationship for a long time as the old one just made me so depressed and I think i need to find "me" again.
Today, though, I miss my old life and I am so panicked at the idea of it being over. It makes me want to run back to DH and do the counselling and just accept that you can't have it all- attraction and conversation and security - in a marriage. He wants more DC, I could go either way, and that would be the condition of going back: planning to have at least one more DC. I know that. We are both mid 30s and not getting younger. I feel OK about it, though I don't think he is the best dad. He is more like an older sibling to Dc at times.
That was a digression but my question is, I don't know if it is actually normal for people who are unhappy to stay together for that security and familiarity in this day and age. Has anyone here done the same? Do you regret it?