Said he is going to Vegas in the midst of planning a wedding?

[sarahmarkets33]

Fiance said last night his cousin is 21 in September and they are thinking about doing a 2 day 1 night trip to vegas in September?? We are getting married in May and my fiance has strictly told me 'no more vacations or trips away before the wedding' because he was getting upset feeling like I was more concerned with planning trips than planning our wedding so I stopped and listened. We have A LOT of expense coming up (international travel visiting family/ visiting the wedding venue abroad) which I KNOW he is already very very stressed out over, he also has his own business so time off = no pay. I just don't think this is a smart move whatsoever. He is going with the cousin, and the cousins dad and uncle (in there 50s)

Now he calls me and says this?? And is saying 'how many times do you turn 21' - well how many times do you get married... sigh. I will add the cousins brother sadly passed away 3 months ago so I think now he feels obliged to be his new big brother in a way and some obligation/loyalty to now do everything with him. I understand but I also am about to get married to this man and I do often struggle with feeling like a priority against his huge family who are very important to him. There is already a camping trip in July (just guys), and another trip in November (men and women)

How do I navigate this??

The comment you made on your duplicate thread which was deleted is very relevant here. He seeks to control your behaviour but then accuses you of controlling him and complains about that. He's also the one rushing you into marriage. I suspect he'll end up rushing you into a baby too as that will tie you to him more and limit your options. He sounds like a walking red flag to me, not because of the Vegas trip, but because he is "allowed" a trip away yet you're not allowed a trip away with the girls.

So all is well if he does what he wants, and you do what he wants. But you're not allowed to do what you want or have an opinion on what he wants.
Sounds like a life of misery ahead.

Does he have an estimated budget for the trip? If he can do it on miles or find a cheap flight, they’re doing 4 to a hotel room for 1 night, getting free nightclub entry, he’s maybe not a big drinker and wouldn’t gamble then it might not be particularly expensive so possibly not a huge deal financially.

The bigger issue is the hypocrisy of he’s allowed but you’re not because it’s controlling, a huge red flag and something that’s likely to get worse if you get married, especially if in the future you give up work or cut down hours to look after kids. The fact that he’s rushing you into marriage also I’m sorry to say rings alarm bells for controlling behaviour.

I would have said just let him go given the circumstances but the fact he said 'no' to you and you didn't, then he should have the same rules.

Its not a question of a simple up or down vote on this trip. What is at isdue is that you two do not have a good way if making decisions. That is a bigger problem long term than the dollar value of the trip or the cost to your wedding plans. There will always be plans: doctor, mortgage, trips, children’s education for which you are setting aside money or forgoing treats. His method is to restrict you and impulsive ly spend on himself. This is a revipe for disaster. After he gets back from this supposed necessary trip your finances will be even more strained. He will then expect you to make it up by further restricting yourself.

He is like someone who gives away your umbrella and then complains when you need to buy another in a thunderstorm. He recognizes his own needs but not yours.

Do you think he would have gone if cousin’s brother hadn’t died?

What's bothering you more?

The holiday U turn or the fact it's Vegas?

So to summarise:

He wants to control what you do, financially
He wants you to let him do what he wants, financially
He has a huge family and they're all intertwined
He wants to do what he thinks other people want him to do
He doesn't see you as 'other people' and doesn't want to please you

That's before you get to the other thread.

There are more men out there, OP. Weddings can be cancelled. A lot should be cancelled.

@MILTOBE to an extent yes. he cant control me financially because i work, and probably hates that i have my own money, because i can go where i want if i want. so he actually prefers to pay for everything (finances) and is trying to pay for the wedding on his own, even though I want to help he said he can manage and I should put money in the house etc. So, now I can see him taking on all these trips 'because its his money and why would i have a say' i dont really have a leg to stand on, if that makes sense. does that change things ? hes the type if i gave up work and had kids it would be his money and he can go where he wants because he can afford it and i cant , but then generous where he pays for the entire mortgage - which is why im never going to quit work!

@GreyCarpet the fact i listened to him about no more vacations, saw him getting stressed over every single vacation we do, and then now he wants to go for 1 night he says i can go for 1, its like he thinks he can make the rules and change them when he wants

Why do you think “I want to pay for the wedding so you save for the house” is generous? Money is money. Its not like the house is going to be your asset solely. On the contrary both these ways of handling money give him too much power in the relationship.

When he decides to prioritize and control the wedding he has a lot of power (and requires you to be grateful and dance to his tune). Because its his “gift” he gets to tell you when, where, who comes, hiw extravagant, etc…When you are saving for the house are you going to have the same control? Aren’t you just treated as a drone ghst works for the good of the hive? Will you have the final word on the when/where/what of the house?

Okay let him go and you book a trip with the girls.

I'm confused about why you are marrying this man.

1. You know he has the potential to financially control you if you ever came out of work.
2. He would probably get some kind of kick out of financially controlling you.
3. If it was you -v- his family in any kind of situation/decision, you'll lose.

I'd be waving him off to Vegas, getting my shit together and running for the hills.

Normally I'd be completly on your side. And I 100% get why you're annoyed considering what he's said. But this is his cousins 21st and with his brother passing away I think he needs to do this for his cousin. He probably isn't very happy about it himself, especially if he wants to be saving money. But I understand why he is going. Can you plan to spend that time with a friend. Having some destress pamper time? I'd not give him a hard time and he's probably feeling conflicted and it's a sad thing that's happened. If it was your family I'm sure you'd do the same.

Him not making you a priority is a different matter and he shouldn't be making you feel that way, speak to him, this is the man you're meant to be marrying and spending your life with. If you can't talk to him about how he's making you feel, wedding planning is the least of your worries. I hope you get it all out in the open beforehand and work through it.💜

This is quite the drip feed. Get out! Leave and don't look back. Why would you marry an abusive controlling man?

You need to get on the same page or shut the book.
Either trips or no trips. Either enough money or not.

Don’t marry him. He sounds like he wants to control you