Support wanted

[Rosa8115]

I’ve been with my partner around 20 years. I do love him and we have fun but he has a bad temper. Thing is some of my friends can deal with bad tempers and just row back. I’m not like that. I just get anxious. Around two years ago I have an ultimatum either he seeks support or I leave.
He has been doing counselling for two years weekly. He does yoga and meditation and has been working so hard on himself and us. His therapist has helped him deal with child hood trauma and an adhd diagnosis.
he was recently signed off by them and he can see them if he needs.
I was uncomfortable with this but wanted to trust the process.
it’s been fine mostly last week he had a ‘ blip’ he called it and he was able to self regulate pretty quickly.
he struggled yesterday too and said he was going to get a check in appointment but it was all fine.
we all went to bed pretty cheerful.
i walked downstairs this morning and he’s broken a glass by accident that is my fault as I stacked the plates badly.
he then started having a go at me about random things that have annoyed him and how our dd is so disrespectful. It was hot and I hadn’t eaten and the room just went black and I ended up passing out.
he helped me to another room but I could sense he was still wound up. He got me water etc and went to make his breakfast. When o went back in her asked me how o was and then just started ranting again.
he got himself so mad he grabbed his plate and walked out, threw it down the garden and looked back at me with the most venomous look I’ve ever seen.
he just came back in to tell me that he’s working really hard on himself but he doesn’t feel anyhow one is and then told me he couldn’t talk to me and walked out.
I knew there would be blips but I feel so exhausted. We spend most nights talking about his work and how stressful it is and his mental health.
do people change.
I work in mental heath so I know people do and I want to help but equally I’m so tired and this morning just makes me feel ill. He grew up in an abusive household and I feel what he did this morning wasn’t far off abuse.
not sure what I’m looking for here.

I would be really wary here to be honest, everybody gets frustrated/angry sometimes but not everybody reaches to smash something in a rage and I would personally be wondering how long it is before that plate becomes me or my child

he just said that anytime he raises an issue it becomes his fault.
he just marched out again and told me to cancel our holiday.
he’s never been violent to me or the children but I am at a loss.

Do you agree that is true OP? Do you think it’s fair of him to say that whenever he raises an issue it becomes his fault, is that the reality? Could it be a difference/difficulty in communication between the two of you that could be worked on if you wanted to? Obviously the acting out in anger is unacceptable but if you do want to stay together is it worth thinking about your communication with each other?

I’m going to hazard a guess that whenever YOU bring something up it ends up being YOUR fault, rather than the other way around.

Have you ever found a way to get your needs met without becoming the problem @Rosa8115?

He sounds like an entitled bully acting like a toddler to get his family to do whatever he wants.

I will also bet he doesn’t behave like this at work and doesn’t have anger issues around people whose opinions he values (eg other men).

Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control. He still wields the vast amount of this within your relationship, many abusers use Mh issues as a reason or justification for their abuse of others in this case you and your dd.

what do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Is this child his?

You’re really describing domestic abuse in this relationship and as such it’s over. He has not fundamentally changed and besides which the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

Well mental health is such a fragile thing...however I think his biggest issue is that he is a bellend. I bet he doesn't behave like that at work. He has the capacity to control himself, however he chooses not too and picks to be a big bully. I hope he cleared up the fucking plate himself. You are understandably treading on eggshells in your own home.
He's a grade A twat. I know you've been together for years, but you have years in front of you and you can chose to make your life a calm, happy, stress free place or continue on as you are with an overgrown malicious 3 year old who actually thought it was appropriate to carry on ranting at someone who has just passed out. He doesn't really care for you if he is able to do that.

Thank you all so much.
yes he is behaving like a bellend!
he hasn’t had a flare up in a year so the therapy and meditation worked all that time.
I think part of the problem is any time he gets slightly animated I get anxious. By nature I am anxious and have suffered with anxiety since long before we met.
unfortunately he is like this with people on his work place! He works for himself as he is the worst team player ever.
His anger has got him into issues with loads of things. The meditation and therapy has helped hugely. He does it daily.
I just feel like that now he’s stopped therapy that the safety net is gone. I know it can’t go on for ever as he needs to find coping skills and the money is a huge expense.

Of course you feel anxious when he gets anxious, it’s a natural reaction when you’ve learnt from experience he’s not safe to be around.

It sounds like his behaviour is designed to intimidate everyone around him into falling into line and doing what he wants.

He’s angry and controlling. He’s kept a lid on it while he’s been having therapy but he hasn’t changed. There are too many benefits for him and not enough consequences to behaving this way.

Btw - you fainting might have been your brain hitting the kill switch. Teen DD developed a fainting disorder while STBXH and I were going through a stressful time of it and her tricky relationship with her dad was the cause. Fainting up to 20 times a day was not unusual and she couldn't go out alone in case she fainted and fell. Being in an abusive situation can do all sorts of weird things to your autonomic nervous system.

Yeah that makes sense. I got up and met with a lecture about the kids stacking the cupboards wrong and then he had to do a demonstration. Id only just got up and it was all to much. He’s very very like my dad who and I think his behaviour triggers childhood traumas for me

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. If your dad was similar it’s no coincidence that you partnered up with this man now.

His abusive nature and childhood has not been addressed and he will likely need years of therapy. I think the yoga etc has just put a lid on it, not addressed it at all. He remains volatile.

you have a choice re this man and your child does not, think carefully about what you are also modelling to her in this relationship.

Yeah. When he was actively in therapy it wasn’t like this.
He’s done the classic blame me and be a victim too this am.
like every women on here says, when it’s good it’s good but like someone said earlier the only acceptable abuse is no abuse.
I don’t think he’s see it’s abuse tbh. He’s the victim who has spent years in therapy and now isn’t even allowed to express himself without me getting anxious. He www annoyed about that too.

No abuser considers their behaviour to be abuse. They’re always either the victim or the hero in their story depending on which way the wind blows. It’s always justified in their own mind.