Second time round, how to split bills

[Linethemup]

I’m in a happy loving relationship. It’s fairly new (just over a year) but we are both in our 50s so think things are possibly moving faster than if we were in our 20s.
i lost my parents a few years back and as a result of my inheritance, I own my own houses, c£485k, some commercial properties and have about £60k in savings. I don’t work but have an income from the commercial properties. My partner physically goes out to work.
my partner brings pretty much nothing to the table.
we want to live together in my house but how do we split bills etc. I’ve made it clear that my home will always be my home to pass onto my children. He’d never get a share of it and is happy to sign a cohabitation agreement.
but I want to know what is a fair way to split expenses. Do we split 50/50, taking into account there is no mortgage or rent to pay? I’ve a 24 year old daughter who lives at home part time so in theory should his share only be a third? I can’t help feeling he’s getting a good deal! Or split the bills and he pay for all meals out or an annual
holiday etc?
I don’t want the relationship to be about money but I’ve been stung before and want to enter this new relationship with a good foundation. There are no red flags regarding finances

My partner physically goes out to work.
my partner brings pretty much nothing to the table.

I am struggling to understand why would you date someone who brings nothing tho the table?

He earns c£40k a year but has no house. He lost his business during Covid, got divorced, paid off debts etc.
im with him as I fell in love with him. I’m the happiest I’ve been. I divorced my children’s dad about 20 years ago, had a disastrous second marriage where I was coerced, emotionally abused and towards the end it was physical. This is a happy, trusting, healthy, loving and fun relationship. I didn’t pick him on the basis of his bank balance but it would be so much easier if he had a house of similar value, mortgage free then we’re starting off on a level footing. But he doesn’t, hence my question

If your DD is working then I’d expect her to pay a third. I don’t think he should be subsidising her. I’d say 1/3 compulsory bills -gas, electricity, council tax, etc. plus he pays for the Wi-Fi/Netflix/any of the ‘luxury’ bills.

Mine is a different though related scenario and he pays for a family subscription to Apple Music/TV+/Netflix, etc. In your shoes I wouldn’t be relying on the holiday - though that would be nice. I’d prefer it to be some sort of direct debit/standing order arrangement.

He wouldn't be subsidising OPs DD if he paid half of the bills. He's literally living rent/mortgage free and paying half of the bills - a minimal amount. I agree, OP, he should expect to make some additional contribution. Could he also pay food costs? Have you taken proper legal advice?

I'm really glad you're happy. I would always wait two years before making any big relationship decisions. You have a much fuller picture of what the person is like after the second year.

Whilst I don’t think he should pay subsidising your DD, paying half of bills means he’s still rent free. Extra wear and tear on your house having an extra adult living there. Extra wear on the washing machine, the shower, the carpets, the decorating.

I would work out 2/3 of the bills and add some rent for wear and tear and repairs and ask for a lump sum monthly payment, letting him know this will increase when DD leaves home.

I think 1/3 of bills is fine. Sure he's getting a good deal but do you really need to be so calculative as a couple, especially when you are financially secure?

i know what you mean about it being ‘calculated’. Because of my disastrous second marriage, I didn’t own my own home then, but I was totally screwed over financially so I’m trying to enter this with a fair footing and with my eyes open. We can talk about anything so I’m not at all concerned about an adverse reaction, just want a fair solution where neither of us feels aggrieved

What about he pays you what he pays in rent and a third of the bills.

Figure out the weekly cost of food, basic entertainment (Netflix, one dinner out a week etc, shared bills like water and electricity and anything else you share eg health/contents/car insurance, then add a buffer. Each pay period you both pay that into a new joint account you can both access for those shared expenses. Part time 24 yr old daughter, does she pay any board? If so you get some for capital expenses and some goes into the joint acc. If she doesn’t, then keep her out of it and you and he share the consumable/living costs equally. If you want a new kitchen then that’s on you to pay for but new towels, 50/50.

he should pay a 1/3 of the bills and maybe something towards “maintenance “

if I was in his shoes and heard you say “he brings nothing to the table “ I would not move in with you,

you are judging him by your own wealth standards and not if might make you happy

Tbh if you are happy with him I would not ponder on bills that much.
I'd suggest having shared pot for bills, food etc and just spend it.

My only concern would be that he is recently divorced and with no home so maybe just looking for a place to stay.
Also, I may allow it if bloke is fun to have around. A lot of men take in girls with nothing if they find them hot enough.

Tend to agree with this , if the genders were reversed and the bloke had inherited close to 1/2 million quid, he wouldn’t say that has £40k girlfriend does bring much to the table, he would move her in and not care about the money side

I didn’t care until I was totally fleeced in a previous relationship and I didn’t have an inheritance then! But have my sensible head on and Just trying to get things sorted before so we both feel totally happy with the situation, and no resentment from either party further down the line.

I think this all sounds a bit quick to be honest…..and potentially you are going to end up more disappointed with him….as he gets older etc etc. does he have a pension? Does he need to move in?

Sounds like you are unsure. I would be happy to be able to offer someone I loved a 'good deal'. Perhaps it's too soon.

I'm reading with interest as also I'm in my 50's and contemplating my BF moving in. We are in a different situation though with our "assists" and income being fairly similar.

I think you're being very sensible thinking about this financial side. I am too.

I think he should definitely be contributing fairly to the bills including contents insurance for the house (as then his possessions are covered too) Assuming your adult daughter is also contributing "rent" money I think it's fair to divide all bills by 3 and then any joint expenses like holidays and meals out divide that by 2. Then you are both contributing equally to the fun stuff too.

With regards your daughter inheriting the house - that's great and most people would want the same - however think about if you were to pass away before him - if your daughter inherits then you're effectively making him homeless so you might want to think of that eventuality. either he buys a small property that he can rent out in the meantime and you both know he's got somewhere to move to - or I know you can draw up some kind of protection in a a will whereby your partner still gets to live in the home although ownership passes to your daughter. Not too sure what its called. If you are getting a cohabiting agreement a solicitor can advise.

I agree. OP you talk about how you’ve been fleeced before but you’re rushing to get the next man under your roof.

In your shoes I would pull back a bit and have more conversations about how him moving in looks.

Where is he living now? And how much is he paying out for his living expenses?

If are not getting married and he is okay signing some form of cohabitation agreement, in what way can he fleece you?

Yes really too soon....

I would get him to pay half what his rent would have been and a third of bills, then you can use the half rent to go into an account to pay for upkeep etc, and if that gets a lot of money in, either put to one side so he can have if you guys split or have a good holiday

I think open a new joint bank account and pay council tax, gas, water, electricity, Net Flix, internet, TV package, Amazon Prime, content insurance and all household food, takeaways and eating out plus consumables such as new towels etc from this account. You need to work out how much you both need to put into this account each month. Your DD can contribute into the same account a smaller amount separately depending on how much she eats at home or maybe eats out with friends, as she won't be eating out from it. I'd suggest as he's effectively paying no rent he pays for a few weekend breaks for you both to level up. Make a will to leave your house to your DC and be very wary of him asking to marry you.

I think you need to be talking about the long term here.
Does he have any pension?
What happens if he falls ill and is unable to work?
How long will he need to work, as you're not working, will resentment grow?
What are his plans for securing his future?

Whatever you decide on bills you will be subsidising him by virtue of saving him rent, what's his plan for how he maximises this for his future?

I think half the bills and nothing further would be fair in this situation.

I disagree with this. I think it’s fair that people pay their way regardless of gender. They create a cost and should cover that cost, but also because it helps them to feel at home rather than just a visitor. I couldn’t live somewhere for more than a few days without contributing to household expenses. OP, you should both be better off from the arrangement - perhaps one approach might be to consider how you can be better off by the same amount. That sounds like the fairest, most positive, way and a win-win approach. Each add up all current living expenses, determine savings made by living together, split it in 2/3 and that’s the number. Dont let him make a contribution to the house (e.g. upgrades, significant maintenance) as he may be able to claim a stake in the house, but he could be contributing to furnishings - e.g. a new bed or sofa. Perhaps you could set up joint savings accounts for things like that.