So tired of his depression. I just want to feel secure in life. Rant.

[TheRussetFox]

I feel so awful and callous even saying this, but I'm so over my husband's depression and just want to feel secure in the life I have. Everything is just such a struggle and Im fed up of being scared and trying to keep it together.

We've been together 10 years, married for 5, have a 2 year old and a 2 month old girls.
The last few years have mentally been really rough for him, issues with work didn't help and he lost his job last year. This has a huge finical impact on us as well as we hadn't got back on track after my maternity leave with the first. He's working again now, but I'm scared that will go south aswell as he's had some issues there as well. I've lost control on my finances and have got a bit of debt and have defaulted as I just couldn't face it all, and now I'm on maternity leave again and just don't know how il sort this all out. Weve got to remortgage next year and I have genuinely no idea how well sort it.

It's just such hard work having to carry the mental load of a family, planning and thinking of everything, doing the majority of the housework and having to be constantly thinking and worrying. Worrying about if he hurts himself, what id do, how I would cope, how I'd tell the girls when they're older. All of it is just constant and I just don't feel like I have stable footing at all.

Huge rant and I'm sure it doesn't even make sense half of it, but it feels quite cathartic to have it out there as I'm too embarrassed/don't want to bother/anxious to talk about it with my friends or family. I feel so alone

You’re not alone and I really feel for you. It’s an incredible amount of pressure you’re under and I know how horrible the uncertainty of caring for someone with depression is. Is he being treated for his depression?

Women are not rehabs for men.

You are not responsible for your husbands feelings or actions or lack thereof.

Its harsh, but you need to put your children first. He should shape up or ship out.

@Treesinthewind yes he does take antidepressants and had them increased a few months ago to help. He is trying but I just don't know what else we can all do. It just feels never ending and I'm scared I won't ever get my husband back

You have to put yourself and your kids first. And ask for help, I leaned on my in laws and his friends for help In similar circumstances (though we don’t have kids, he does they are older). I also got help for me through my work which had a counselling service so I had somewhere to vent.

I laid down some ground rules that he had to get help and encouraged him out of the house once a week and encouraged exercise.

I put a big wrap of bubble wrap round me to try and stop absorbing the negativity, that’s the problem, it can be catching anf you start losing perspective yourself.

if you can go through your finances and work out what you need to do to stop getting further into debt that might be a start, and will also give you back a feeling of control.
and try and do something nice every week, even if it’s visiting relatives or going to the park to give your kids some normal too.

I got a lot of support on here. It helped.

edited to add, it got better, we are in a good place now. I got my husband back.

also to add that his actions are his, you can’t worry every time he’s out of your sight.

Its Tough but focus on your kids and your finances. If you need to contact the bank or citizens advice to make a payment plan then do. It will take the pressure off you. He will have to sort himself out. You can be supportive without having to be his carer. And make sure he does fixed household chores. Yes he's depressed but doing laundry or taking the bin out helps you and will contribute to him feeling more in control and less focussed on his own thoughts.

Also look up behavioural activation. Little tasks can make all the difference

https://www.gmmh.nhs.uk/behavioural-activation/

I agree with posters saying you’re not rehab for the non-coping, and that you need to unapologetically prioritise your well-being and that of your children. I’m wondering, though, why you had another child in the circumstances, especially as you say the finances still hadn’t recovered after your first maternity leave? Assuming it wasn’t planned, I would make sure you have absolutely watertight contraception now.