Death a thousand cuts - stay or go?

[Anothergirl20384747]

mums net won’t allow me to edit title Interested to know what most would do in this situation?

My partner and I met in our early 30s. I had just moved back to my hometown and I loved how much my partner loved his family and made the effort with mine - I feel like it’s a dying quality that I wanted in a long term partner and realised in my twenties list meant nothing. He was also straight up and no games which I loved.

Fast forward 4 years we have 1 dc aged 1 thanks to IVF (his medical issue not mine).

I feel like he settled - he doesn’t spend any date night time with me off his own back, and when we do the conversation is so dead I wish we didn’t. He is a good dad but lacks the usual desire to do any household stuff and is more interested in his mum and brother than me. If I want him to do anything I have to ask - literally anything.

He ignores my comments when out with his family but gets annoyed when I shut down and do my own thing because of it. He has no interest in my thoughts and feelings - I always feel like I’m forcing him to listen when I want to connect, yet he asks me for random affection and I’m turned off most of the time because I don’t feel like he’s interested in anything about me other than sex and he gets annoyed when I turn him down.

Ive tried addressing my own separate issues (mostly abandonment) through life coaching and counselling but I never seem to feel better about my relationship.

long story short: I feel utterly emotionally disconnected to this man yet he is a good person on the whole. I want to get a spark back in my life and feel so flat all the time because this huge part is missing for me. I don’t want to separate and regret it because he is the type of guy everyone loves which makes me think I’m the problem.

Of course there’s a lot more to the story and more reasons I feel this way but hoping to get some answers and not bore with an essay!

should I stay or go?

not enjoying life.

Have you spoke to him specifically about this issue? Just because everyone likes him it doesn’t mean you are the problem, some people can be great friends, but shite partners and it’s definitely not a reason to stay.

If he won’t listen, write him a letter, how he reacts to that will likely tell you all you need to know about how he feels about you. He may be unaware of how his actions impact you. It’s horrible when you feel like your partner has no time for your thoughts and feelings, it’s a major reason I left my marriage, I found it unacceptable and it had a major impact on my self esteem, it still affects me today!

I’ve brought up in a number of ways - the fact that I don’t feel like he loves me. His usual response is anger that I can’t see how he does. He says it’s just his way and he isn’t emotional, yet he gets emotional about his family (mum, brother etc) and has many deep conversations with them - just not me.

I ought to add that I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relation as a teen and had a bad relationship with my dad who has now passed. I’ve done a lot of work to get over that but I’m aware I may be difficult or on the flip side, may be more accepting of bad relationships.

I also don’t have any relationships to support me - my mother is very religious and sees the best in him, and my brothers are distant. I have one good friend who wants the best for me but she isn’t local and just urges me to stay with him because ‘relationships are hard’.

So although I’m smart and independent, I don’t really have a mentor type to help me see clearly. Or anyone who really wants the best for me to bounce off - hence the number post. His family is obviously very biased and always saying how amazing he is (Patrical family)

Jesus my typos are off the chart! Sorry 😂

Too add - I don’t think it’s malicious at all or he’s treating me badly - it’s more the ‘million little things’ that suggest he doesn’t love me.

So what brought you together in the first place? What did you have in common? Do your politics and opinions align? What dating activities did you do together? What made it so good that you got married, and is that still there, or can it be rekindled?

He didn’t play games, we both wanted the same things and we had similar values (family etc). I don’t think it was love. We aren’t married - he knows I wanted to but never asked and we fought so much about it over the last few years I don’t bother to bring it up anymore. He says he can’t afford to get married, but we can afford a kid? 🤔

I think I know the answer to my own question even after the first few responses on here! I’m just worried about the fallout and my baby having single parents.

Better to be apart than to be this badly accompanied.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he or she learning here?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment just as you have when there is nothing else positive to write about their man.

From what you wrote as well re your upbringing no one’s ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and truth is you still do not know. The relationship you are in currently certainly is not it. Your boundaries, already skewed by your late father, poor life experience and previous abuse, are being further got at by this man now. Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world and they are often far nicer to those outside.

You need to unlearn all the crap that you learnt about relationships through counselling on your own and start again with a fresh slate. I also think you need to give both your mother and friend a wide berth going forward because neither are acting in your best interests here.

Did you give your child his surname?. If so why?. And please stop worrying about your child having single parents. It’s all taking up headspace that could be filled with more useful and meaningful thought and action.

Yes she is his name. I’m resentful I’ve given him everything and it’s made me a bad person to be honest - I don’t really like myself much.

I think it’s easier to leave when there’s a big flag or one big incident. When it’s lots of little things that gradually wear you down it’s hard to know when to just call it a day. I’d struggle financially alone too, and would have to get social housing which won’t be a fun process. Thanks for your replies, It’s really helpful to get fresh eyes on the situation.