Should I stay or should I go?

[IProbablyJustNeedAShag]

I’ve been with my DH for 15 years. We have 2 kids and I’m approaching 40. DH is an incredibly high earner but has to work away mon-fri and DC2 has additional needs. As a result I’ve been a SAHM for the last 8 years despite having had a career that I loved and was bloody good at prior to this. It wasn’t a highly paid job so, obviously, it fell to me to be the one to give up work. I’ve tried various forms of childcare - nannies, respite care etc and DC can cope with it for a few hours but not enough for me to be able to actually have enough time away in order to get back into employment. It will almost certainly remain like this for the next 5 years or so.

DH is a good man. He loves me. He loves the kids. His income allows us to live an incredible life. He’s hugely intelligent and very rare in that, although being hugely successful, he doesn’t have any kind of ego or expect me to be a submissive housewife or anything like that. But he’s also completely humourless and hates any form of physical affection. We’ve got to the point where we barely speak. I don’t know where he is most of the time as he travels and we have no contact during the Monday-Friday that he’s away as we have nothing to say to each other. We haven’t had sex for 7 years. He’s never been particularly interested in sex but after we had the two kids he wanted he lost interest entirely. He always said it was just an occasional urge and that he didn’t like how he felt afterwards, which obviously made me feel like complete shit.

I know that if I left he’d provide for me financially. I don’t think he’d be an arse about it if I left. I just want to have some intimacy and a laugh with someone but I don’t know if that’s selfish to break up my family in order to do that. I’ve tried so many times to raise it with him but he just makes me feel like I’m some sexual deviant for wanting a relationship that involves intimacy. We haven’t even held hands or kissed on the cheek for years. We’ve had separate rooms for the last 6 years.

I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I’m stuck in a Groundhog Day where we make awkward conversation about the weather and the state of the roads and then don’t speak for the rest of the day.

Please tell me what to do.

No one can tell you what to do! You need to decide what kind of life you want and how you're going to go about getting that. You sound stuck and frustrated and in desperate need of some fun and intimacy. Would he ever consider opening the marriage up? You could have a lover for all the times he's away. Sounds like he wouldn't be that bothered if you did that. Don't mean to be facetious but if you can't leave due to needs of the children maybe you need to look at this as an option

Please someone tell me what to do

does he know that you are at this point?
how do you think the children will be split? and can you manage them on your own 24/7.
there appears to be the potential to improve things with support.

What were things like before you got married and had children?

Be honest with yourself and with him and separate whilst you are still young enough to start over. It sounds like you are practically a single parent anyway and if your husband is wealthy and won't try and screw you financially in a divorce then you are actually in quite a good position compared to most. The alternative is carry on as you are for another 40 years?

I’m sorry OP.
This life sounds lonely.

Personally I would discuss with DH that if things remain as they are you need a divorce. At this stage for half of your relationship you have not been intimate with each other. How can you say he loves you when you don’t speak all week and then have awkward chats when you see him? Someone who loves you would kiss you and give you a big hug after a week away and hold your hand etc etc. Plus they would miss you in the week and call you at least once to check in.

Sure you won’t have the same income as you do now if you divorce, but it sounds like you will have a decent one if you get 50%+ of a very high income.

Other things will fall into place in time. DC2 will be able to cope in daycare eventually. You will gradually get back into work. It won’t all happen at once. But sounds like you need the start the process.

💐

No sex or even cuddles from age 33-40? Wow. And you don't talk most of the week? What happens at the weekend?

What advice would you give your adult child or best friend if they were in your situation?

Hi there, you need to talk to him. My husband essentially ended our marriage for similar reasons (lack of intimacy/connection) without discussing it with me. I am completely devastated and my son’s happy comfortable childhood has been destroyed. Maybe my marriage was not salvageable even though I was content, but to have not given me the respect or thought for our child to discuss it was cruel. Your situation doesn’t sound easy at all but please try and see if you can fix it, because my life feels very bleak right now.

Right. So this is him. You have listed his good sides and his bad sides.

Wanting him to change probably wouldn't be sensible because he sounds like a very busy man who isn't overly affectionate.

Do this -- journal. Would you be able to stay with him as he is? Or do you need (at this stage or your life) an entirely different man?

What not do -- catastrophise and think too much about divorce and everything ending and such.

It's very hard to spend time with humorless people who aren't very loving even of other things are working well. It's like being lonely all the time but without having that freedom singledom brings.

You are not a sexual deviant. It is very normal and human to want a loving intimate relationship. I think you need to tell him that you love him, he brings a lot to the relationship but the fact is he doesn’t bring what for most people is the single, fundamental basis for a relationship - emotional and sexual intimacy. You also need to tell him that it is cruel and deeply unfair of him to make out you’re a deviant for wanting this when this is blatantly untrue - you only want what 90 of humans have wanted for all of history. Ask him if he thinks you should proceed straight to divorce or you should try counselling.

Have you discussed the possibility of an open marriage with him? It allows you to have the affection and contact with someone else but keep the family intact. If you did divorce would your husband have the children 50/50 so you had time to yourself and could pursue other relationships?

It must be soul destroying to live with a husband who won't even interact with you beyond chit chat. You must feel very lonely. If he won't talk about it I think you need to be very clear with him about the fact that you are close to calling it a day with him.

I agree with PP. It must feel terribly lonely even more so because "on paper" you are married to a decent man. But in reality you are a single mum.

Do you even want to be touched by a man who just doesn't enjoy expressing his emotions? Or do you crave a man who might be able to provide that but you don't want to break up your family?

It seems as though you respect him a lot as a person which is nice but this is precisely what's creating such inner turmoil for you -- if he's so nice in a lot of areas, why do you feel displeased?

Because at the end of the day you're lonely.

Talk to someone in person who might in time provide support and love even if it's just Platonic friendship like a girl friend.

Okay, I will. You need to leave. Staying in a loveless marriage like this is self-abuse. The loneliness must be unbearable.

You're welcome.