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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused about what's going on

5 replies

NotNowGertrude · 26/06/2024 21:40

I'm feeling very confused about things. I've had some issues with my partner for a while now, where he's done things which he completely denies when I call him out on it. The last time he denied it then totally turned the conversation around & kept asking me to describe what I saw in detail & kept picking fault with my explanation & mocking what I said. My head was in a mess after that conversation. He's now saying he didn't do it but I'm sure he did. I have no idea what to do

OP posts:
leeverarch · 26/06/2024 21:48

This is called gaslighting, and is what abusers do - it is deliberately designed to confuse and disconcert you.

There is also something called DARVO and I think he is doing that as well.

Secondstart1001 · 26/06/2024 22:22

I second the pp - it’s gaslighting, you are left doubting yourself.
An example of this is that my ExH would tell me I hadn’t locked up the house when I had, just so he could argue with me. So one day I got my dearest neighbour who was like a mother to me to come and watch me lock up the house. That evening again he fought with me over not leaving the house secure - my neighbour reassured me I had! I felt like I was going mad and I was losing confidence to do the most basic things. And I just couldn’t see straight. It’s not you, it’s him!

XChrome · 27/06/2024 00:44

As the other posters said, this is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse called gaslighting. Abusers don't change. Please leave as it will only get worse. Your mental health is already suffering. He is trying to break you down completely so he can control you. You have to face that he is not a good person and your relationship won't ever be healthy. Long term emotional abuse can be even more damaging than physical abuse.

CheekyHobson · 27/06/2024 00:57

My abusive ex regularly used to gaslight me like this. "I don't remember doing that." "I don't remember saying that." "You never told me that." "You were meant to do that, not me." "You told me [insert thing I never said]". A clever strategy because of course people forget things from time to time, right? So I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But over time I started to feel like I was going crazy.

I got around it by keeping a detailed journal and quite soon it became obvious how badly he was messing with me.

The strategy is designed to fuck with you and make you doubt yourself, while hiding whatever unpleasant thing they are doing/have done, or denying their own unpleasant personality characteristics.

The thing is, I shouldn't have needed to go through the process of keeping a journal. I just wasn't looking at the situation the right way.

It wasn't my ex's 'forgetting' that was important, it was that he was using 'forgetting' (either his own, or implying that my memory was faulty) as a tool to evade responsibility and put blame on me. If a person who acts in good faith honestly forgets something, they will be keen to remedy the situation.

Your partner is treating you as an antagonist and is mocking you when you raise an issue. You don't need to know exactly who is 'right' and who is 'wrong', you need to understand is that he is not showing love, care and a willingness to work together to resolve things when you raise issues with him.

yellowsmileyface · 27/06/2024 06:46

As others have said, he's gaslighting you and using the DARVO technique. Asking you to describe things in detail is a common gaslighting tactic. The idea is that you'll fail to recall a specific (likely irrelevant) detail, so they can then discredit your whole claim. Having a conversation with a gaslighter feels like being cross examined in court. It's not a conversation with an equal partner who wants to reach a mutual resolve.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It wears you down and leaves you feeling like a shell of yourself. It leaves you feeling like you've actually gone insane.

Your partner is abusive and he won't change. How easy would it be for you to leave?

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