Do emotional/mental abusers actually change.

[Secretlysurviving]

So torn. My ex is trying to reach back out to me now begging for his family back. Suggesting we stay separately and try again and seek counselling before getting the kids involved to make sure things don't go back to how they were. HOW THINGS WERE WAS HORRENDOUS. it got really bad. He was on steroids and the arguments were explosive. I was always trying to keep the peace but he just turned horrible. Not just on steroids though it was before. My property got destroyed and my mental heath took to an all time low. I hated living with him I hated being with him and I hated him. He is making me feel so bad now begging for his family back saying we are all he has (we are to be honest he has no one else) but I just can't help but feel bad and I hate it. Can these people actually change or is my gut instinct right telling me to stay clear?!

No. Trust your instincts. Stop talking to him about this.

You are not thinking of getting back with him because you want to, but because he is making you feel bad. You are actually thinking of getting back with someone you hate, because he is emotionally manipulating you into feeling guilty for not putting him before yourself.

So no, he has not changed. The pattern is repeating

Your gut instinct is absolutely right on this one OP, leave him well alone.

I’m a therapist so believing people can is kind of intrinsic to my value system.

however, it’s very difficult for people who have leaned to behave abusively in relationships to do so, especially within the dynamics of the same relationships. It takes a lot of self searching and willingness to be challenged and I think most of them lack the bravery to be that undefended.

if he has done some extensive work on himself then possibly, my bet is that he hasn’t and won’t though.

i think I’d keep him as an ex if I was you.

We have instincts for a reason listen to them.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do where this person is concerned, if you go back will you still have that freedom?

Always, always trust your instincts.

Isn’t persuasion and saying he’s changed part of the cycle of abuse? Think back to the worst times and think about whether you really want to go back to that.

I don’t think these type of people change at all. Just in the same way you couldn’t change into an emotional abuser…

keep him as an ex, keep looking forward, not back.

He's not even pretending there is anything in this for you guys, it's all about him. You would have to put in all that hard work and take all those risks and if it works out will there actually be an improvement in your and your children's lives? I'd pass if i were you.

Please, walk away, do not have him back xxx Block him on all media... you are far better on your own ... xxx

This!!!

You don't even want to get back with him, you just feel guilty. You clearly have a very kind and caring nature. He knows that and he's exploiting it.

You know that if you get back with him, it won't be long before things are back to how they were.

Are you familiar with the grey rock technique? You need to keep contact with him to a minimum, and basically don't engage when he starts begging for you back. If you engage with it he knows he's got a foot in the door, and he won't stop until he's all the way back in.

There's a reason he has nobody. It's him. He won't change. How he behaves gets him what he wants. I'm sure he will have changed until he gets his feet under the table then he'll start where he left off before.

In my experience no. If anything the mental acrobats and denial regarding their abusive behaviour becomes more acute. If at best they acknowledge their behaviour it will be excused and blamed on you / external factors/ third parties etc. Been there, got the t-shirt.

You have done the incredibly hard thing and left this relationship. Don't make the mistake of returning to it.

Ask yourself this, if your friend spelt out the above and was asking your advice, what would you say to them

He can change until he gets what he wants. Then it's right back to ground zero.