Dumped on his sister-in-law's hen do

[U3452]

Hi All,

I'm new here and having a hard time so please be kind.

I am 26 and was in a four year relationship with my (26M) partner up until ten days ago. We own a house together (joint mortgage) which we moved into nine months ago.

His brother is getting married and I went on the bride-to-be's hen do last weekend. It was a trip away from where we live (about three hours drive) to a big house with a spa. I was looking forward to a night out and it cost me about £400 in total. I'd asked my boyfriend what he would be up to whilst I was away and he said he was going for a pint after work on the Friday then picking our dog up from my mum's house. I had a strange gut feeling and felt very anxious whilst on the Hen do as he wasn't replying to my messages as he would normally and he never picked my dog up.

As I was away with his family, I tried to hide my anxiety and enjoy the weekend. Long story short, he wasn't out where he said he would be on that Friday night and he stayed out all night. I only know this as he added find my friends onto my phone so we could see each other's locations. I searched the address and he stayed in a hotel. When I called him the next morning, he ignored my calls. He eventually text back saying he'd just got out the shower at the gym and would call me back in 5. That was a blatant lie as he wasn't even in the same town as his gym. When I eventually got through to him I asked him why he was lying and he said because I can't tell you the truth. He tried to sell me a story that he was out with a friend (who's into drugs) and they'd got a hotel. He then said that he'd been thinking about it and we're not right for one another and he no longer wants to be together. I was devastated. He'd done this firstly over the phone but also whilst I was away with HIS family. I had to leave the hen do early I was so upset. I hadn't driven to the hen do so I had to ask his sister to drop me off at a service station where I got picked up by my mum. The whole thing felt so surreal and like a nightmare. When I got home (to the house we shared) he had taken his stuff and left me a load of mess. He then napped at his parents house the rest of the afternoon before we met up to talk. He was very cold and showed no remorse for what he's put me through. He said he still loved me and asked me to contact him whenever I wanted. I've gone no contact as the whole thing is still so painful.

The most recent thing he did was put a message in the street WhatsApp group that he was moving out. Announcing it to all the neighbours just to humiliate me a bit more.

I'm a very kind and loyal person. I like staying in with a takeaway or walking my dog. I work hard, I'm very predictable. But now I'm left questioning why I wasn't enough.

He used to tell me that he wanted to marry me and that a proposal was on the cards as soon as we moved in together. He said we'd have children and promised me a happy life together. It was my birthday the week before all of this happened and he wrote me a card saying I was his world and an incredible girlfriend.

I feel so hurt and angry. I feel embarrassed and numb. It's not sunk in yet. I'm back at the house with my dog after staying with my parents, it all feels so strange.

I want to keep the house as I've put so much work into it. Does anyone have experience with transfers of equity?

Any support or advice welcome.

If you haven't already, change every lock.

Then seek legal advice about the house.

It may be better to cut your loses so to speak and sell and split the proceeds.

What a shitty little boy he sounds

This.
Get the very best deal you can screw out of him. Use his guilt.
Allow your parents to help you.
Continue to do the best with the house and make a profit.
This wasn't the right relationship and he is not right for you.
He has behaved badly but breaking up is often messy.
At least he didn't lie and gaslight you.
You are both young so even though he hasn't been kind, it really is only confirmation that ye were not right for each other.

Sounds like a man-child who has got cold feet when things have started getting committed. I had one of these, also at 26. It was a horrible time and I thought I’d never get over it, but actually it was the best thing that could have happened. He did try crawling back a few months later once he’d realised the grass wasn’t greener, but by then I’d realised what a loser he was! Fast forward a few years and I found the most wonderful man and we have built an amazing life and family. This will be a blessing in disguise, go and enjoy the single life now, do what you want, when you want, with who you want.

Oh op this is awful I'm so sorry. My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me day after my friends wedding I was absolutely heart broken I was 28 and thought it was all over . 6 months later I met my now husband I'm now 37 and have two beautiful children and a great husband . You WILL be okay and well done on going no contact it will really help you heal quicker , I did all the embarrassing crying and begging and wish now I'd have just known how things will be okay. I promise you they will!!! Xx

Hi OP, I was a bit younger than you when I got dumped by ex I had a house with. I was devastated.

Years later I’m married to a wonderful man, we have a lovely family together, and when I look back I see just how badly that ex behaved to me, including cheating, without me even spotting it at the time. I recovered fine and am now beyond grateful that he relinquished me!

If I saw him now I’d be tempted to shake his hand.

It won't feel like it at the moment OP, but you are lucky. In that you're not married and you don't have children with him. Once the house situation is sorted, you'll be free of him forever. It will be so much easier to move on. Speak with a mortgage broker about available options. You will get through it. Stay strong, and know your worth. He didnt deserve you.

I’m sorry OP.
With luck there won’t be too much equity for you to sort out?
I bought an ex out and took over the mortgage some years ago. I got 3 house evaluations, had seen a solicitor and was ready with an offer when he walked in the door two days after he flounced off. He was shocked, accepted the offer and was gone.

I moved furniture, hung pictures, painted walls, got rid of some of his bad DIY and house felt like mine after a few weeks and I was glad I didn’t sell.

You’ll be ok. Well done on NC.
💐

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP.

I agree with previous posters to get professional advice on your options regarding the house.

Definitely keep up the no contact. You mentioned seeing some pictures of him on holiday- whatever social media this is, block him on that too. It doesn't really matter why he has broken things off (although he was undoubtedly with another woman), remember his awful behaviour for when he inevitably comes crawling back later.

Take some time, let yourself work through the heartbreak and lean on friends and family whilst you heal. You can get through this.

Thank you for all the lovely messages 🩷
Things can only get better.

@U3452 sending you a virtual hug. Sadly there are too many of us who have been trusting and faithful only to have the rug pulled from under us.

Happened to me only a year ago. Won't bore you with the details, but all I can say is pp are right, whilst in the midst of the raw immediate happening it feels like how is it going to get better? It does (starting to do for me anyway, I still get knocked back a step or two, but some days I feel like I've taken two or three forwards).

He has shown himself for who is and better to know now than even just another day later.

To start with I didn't know how I was going to get through it. I had (to get up, work and an 18month old he walked out on). I meant on people, sometimes it was doing something that was actually fun, sometimes boring them with the same 'how could he'. Today I find myself in a much different life than I had 'wanted', but it's a life I'm proud that I have made on my own two feet.

You might, I did, grieve the person I thought they were and I beat myself up no end for quite some time (still do but not much), how could I not 'see' the real him?! But people who are selfish are good at masking/hiding/lying.

It's not you. Find things that make you get out, talk to others, if someone needs help help them but just also be kind to yourself.

Sorry to ramble xx

Leant not meant. Blasted fat fingers 😂

I'm so sorry. This sounds very similar to what my boyfriend did. Ended things suddenly and it turned out he was shagging someone else.

Showed no remorse etc.

He has shagged someone and is now thinking with his wee cock.

He will come crawling back. I'd bet my left arm. Just make sure you laugh in his face when he does.

Be fair but don't get ripped off. Have a few evaluations of your house done. Hopefully there won't be much equity to take after only 9 months so the payout should not be much. Then it's a case of talking to your mortgage company to find out how to go about transferring the mortgage over to your name. Perhaps your parents could act as guarantors.
There will be another woman, but if there were no clues, and he's done a quick change, then it could be a very recent thing he's jumped ship for. Not a smart move and he may well live to regret this. Whereas you'll be better off without this flakey man.

op, get in FAST. now he says you can contact him, workout how you can pay him for monthly mortgage payment for 12 months or 24 months until you can get it in your name.

see a sol next week and get something signed off quick enough. he is embarrassed and remorseful now. after 3 months he will be demanding you buy him out instead.

most women who have done well here/divorce are those who jumped on his offer when he announced the divorce as seemingly men say anything to get on with shagg7ng their newest conquest lol lol

Hi.op..sometimes they go by two years accounts not three. There are specialist lenders and brokers that assist self employed but do your research, we've been stung before on the rates so do compare deals. Hope you're ok aside from this. What an absolute ##@#%!!! You're better off without him.

Op also sorry forget to add at this early stage of your mortgage I doubt it will cost too much to buy him out. You've only had the mortgage for a few months and unless house prices have doubled over night then I think you should be OK. There are calculators online that can give you a rough idea and the formula to work it out.

Bloody hell. Firstly, feeling anxious, disoriented and sick is ok. Just means you are processing what's happened. Chances are, he isn't processing what's going on at all.

Secondly, you are 26. There is a whole other life waiting for you. I'm sure the thought is horrible at the moment, but it's all still to play for and that's wonderful. And a day not long from now someone will give you a churning stomach - in the good way, and you will be glad this one is history.

Oh how horrible. I had similar happen to me years ago. There was indeed another woman, but of course I didn’t find out properly for a good while. I immediately got the house valued by three estate agents and I had to take a new mortgage out to pay him half the equity. I also made a list of all jointly owned furniture/belongings and decided what I wanted to keep/buy off him. I also got a few counselling sessions. Someone gave me great advice- strike while the iron is hot, try and organise everything quickly because he won’t feel guilty for long.

If you want a positive story, I was sick to my back teeth after it happened, and it took me a couple of years to lick my wounds and get back on my feet. But then I met a guy who had been treated similarly by his ex wife, and therefore we both valued honesty and integrity. We have been together over 20 years now and are still really happy. The experience with my ex made me appreciate my current man much more. So there are better ones out there.x

Its awful, poor you. I hope it works out the way you want it to, OP.

Oh you poor poor thing. What an absolute cruel dick of a man. So cowardly too. I'm sorry to say but i expect that he's cheated on you and rather than deal with the fall out and guilt, has decided to pin this one on you. I went out with a similar sounding chap once.

Thankfully for you you sound like you have a lot going for you. You're only 26, but have got on the property ladder and are semi self employed. Good for you! That's a big accomplishment.

Re the house, in a few weeks you will know how you feel about the house and whether you want a break from it. In the meantime, unless you decide that you wish to buy him out, he should still be paying his share of the mortgage. You could also consider getting in a lodger if you have a spare room. If you pick someone like minded, you could have some nice girls nights in and out.

Just give yourself time to process all of this. He may well be smiling in holiday pictures. Most people do, but it doesn't show the whole picture.

Just thank your lucky stars that you weren't married, that you're still young and that you don't have children to tie you to him.

You will meet someone else. Someone really lovely and deserving of you. Xx

Lots of great advice. Particularly seconding this:

“I know I did my best in the relationship and I can't have tried any harder😢I do take comfort knowing that.

In the nicest possible way, OP, no functional relationship should be that much hard work. Trying your hardest and doing your best make this relationship sound even grimmer. In future, make sure someone is worth the effort.”

The right relationship shouldn’t feel so effortful.

So sorry this has happened to you
I can offer some practical advice as I work for a specialist mortgage lender. The advice to see a mortgage broker is key. Usually if you have run the employed and self employed side by side for over a year and have one full years self employed (say April 2024) then you can use both incomes. Two full years even better
i hope you manage to keep your home and I hope you never let him back
You deserve so much better and sound lovely

@U3452 What a horrible, upsetting shock😟
What a weak, nasty man to be unfaithful and to be so cruel to you.

( There is bound to have been another woman)

The small mercy is that you don’t have children together.

This means you can be completely free of this unkind man.

Far better to find out now what type of person he is than a few years down the track with a child or two.

I know women divorced in their late 20’s who NEVER had another relationship simply because they could never trust again.

They had children though- that probably made a difference.

Dogs are far more of a companion than a faithless man

Just take it easy, and lucky you have your dog as a companion.

“Dogs never lie about love “ was a book title I saw
And it’s true!
A dog is always faithful and true (even if someone else has treats !)