I need some advice. This might be a long read .
So first off what my husband has done is AWFUL.
We started as long distance, he’s from Nigeria. (I already know Nigeria is well known for scams).
We were young when we met, both 26. I went over there got married. As obviously being long distance there comes a time when only option to be together is to get married to obtain a spouse visa for the uk, or I could of moved over there, but I didn’t want that, his family was at the wedding . we had the usually long distance issues. But I thought this was the man of my dreams. I speak with his mum a lot.
Fast forward to him arriving here in 2021, that’s when it all fell apart. 3 months in I found weird txts from women late at night, I confronted him he brushed it off. Different occasion I tried to grab his phone and his reaction said it all to me that there was more to it.
I found a flash drive, on it was recorded video calls of him and all these Nigerian women. He was wanking off . This actually broke my heart, but stupidly took him back.
He went out with his friend he met at work. Got girls numbers.
The following year I found out he spent the night at a women’s house. I actually went round to her house and he had met her on Facebook dating, they never slept together as she was on her period but apparently she had only put his dick in her mouth, I did actually believe this and knew that was all that happened .
After this I had found out I was pregnant unfortunately ended in miscarriage.
So this woman that he spent the night with literally I’ve never been able to let that go , the trust was literally at 0 after that. We had many conversations about this woman and obviously he didn’t do anything to ease my mind I just kept finding out more things.
Last year I got chlamydia, now I know I haven’t slept with anyone and I was lucky in my life to never of caught a STI before, so this mortified me. He turned around and said it was obviously from the woman from the previous year. I never believed that and even asked my doctor. So I knew that was a lie.
Still I couldn’t end things with him.
Fast forward to this year the shock of my life happened. A lady liked his post on Facebook something in my gut was telling me to message her so I did. She told me that they had met up twice, he fingered her in his new car and they had sex In hers, she had met him on Facebook dating. She sent me screenshots of conversations.
He denied everything said they had only kissed. I kicked him out but then again took him back.
Literally days later He was sleeping and never have I had this opportunity before as he is always extra careful with his phone, always has it on him, I don’t know his passcode, but he had fallen asleep with it in his hand with the screen on.
I spent 6 hours that night looking through most things apart from WhatsApp as it had a passcode.
On his gallery there was videos of him having sex with women , old women too. Maybe 6 different women. A lot of nudes, There were messages after messages from different women. I can’t even describe the feeling that I felt.
I took videos and pictures of everything . When he woke up he took my phone. I had to go work so when I finished later he was at home and he had messed up my phone so I had to reset it and lost everything I had taken in the morning as nothing was backed up.
He had a heart to heart with me. Said he had a problem, he has trouble sleeping so from when he was younger has always wanked off which helps him sleep. He said he would go counselling , he would delete everything and I would know the passcode on his phone. He said he was ashamed. I questioned who all those women were her said he met they from Facebook dating and some women his mates knew.
Gosh this even kills me to say now, but I gave him another chance and actually believed he was being truthful. And had hope with him mentioning counselling and access to his phone he would change.
This all happened in march , I have been asking him since then about counselling which he has not done his response was he has to be in the right head space blah blah , I pester him about his phone he said he has deleted everything even though won’t show me and he’s getting a new phone In October so will change his number then. I said he could just go to the shop and get a new sim right now. He said there is no point to change his number twice. It’s too much hassle.
Now the last straw happened last month , he bought a new laptop must of left his iCloud signed in and out. But I looked on his history and there was tons of swingers pages, he also had some numbers on facetime I saved.
I knew I knew this was more stuff, one of the videos on his phone was him drawing a name on a woman’s bum, so I had to degrade myself and made up a account at fab swingers the page from his search history, typed that name in and low and behold all them videos I had found on his phone was on this page. Like some sort of fan site with reviews from COUPLES and women about meeting him , sickening stuff.
I packed up his things when he was at work and left them outside . I had chucked him out for 4 days , he was saying this swingers page isn’t him it’s his mates it doesn’t have any pictures of him on there but the videos are defo him yet he was denying they are even though they are the same videos that was on his phone.
I did more digging with the numbers from his FaceTime I had messaged more or less all of them, a couple women got back to me and to more of my horror , since the other chance I gave him in march he had met more women even slept with one of them when he was suppose to be doing overtime at work in may.
I feel totally gross by this . He slept with me a few days later . So whilst I had kicked him out I had found out I’m pregnant again stupidly told him in anger and upset . He came back home tried to say this is a fresh start he’s ashamed blah blah blah.
At this stage I’m done . I can’t take anymore the years that he has been in the uk have been hell for me. He just used me and I think I am living in someone else life. Always holding onto him hoping he will change because I love him. And I’m holding onto that person that he was whilst he was in Nigeria.
That being said . Our marriage has obviously been messed up. I tried to include everything but obviously there is a lot more to this . Our marriage has been violent and abusive . Most the times I have found out stuff I have kicked him out and even rang the police several times . He has hit me as well as I have hit him back. Most times he has took my phone off me even my glasses. I have pictures and some video of marks on my body and our arguments. But he seems to have more as the times he took my phone off me is when he is recording me.
I want to get away from all this but he has threatened me that if I try to destroy his life, by I.e contacting home office, he will destroy my life and post videos of me online assaulting him.
What do I do. I have given this man so many chances. I should note too the pregnancy I just had turned into a ectopic.
Can someone really change that has done all this ? Is it possible if they go counselling .