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Original poster

My parents ace the theory but get a D- in the practical

19 replies

PuhPeng · 09/04/2008 13:54

My parents tell me they absolutely adore my dd. They have put a big picture of her in the hall and they're so proud of her and they love hearing whatever the latest funny thing she said or did. They have only actually met her 3 times and she couldn't pick them out of a line-up, but they do love her and miss her and think about her a lot...

I just had a call from my dad to say he's worked out when I'll be having this baby. Apparently it will be on a particular weekend because they have friends to stay that weekend and they were staying with those friends when they had their last grandchild, so it's a tradition! Ha ha ha! How amusing - you can raise a glass of wine and toast the new baby. Except, Dad, I'm really hoping it's not that particular weekend because if it is I'll be having the baby in hospital by myself as we have no one to leave dd with that weekend, so dp will have to stay at home with her. Ha ha ha.

I know how miserable and bitter I'm sounding. I feel miserable about it. I don't expect my parents to put themselves out because I have children. It wouldn't occur to me to want them to babysit or look after them or anything like that. My children, my responsibility. Absolutely. I can't help feeling envious of all the people whose parents do want to be involved in their lives though. It just fucking rubs it in when we have to pretend that they are doting parents and grandparents. They don't even think it is a pretence - they really believe it.

I don't know. I was going to put this in AIBU but couldn't face a bunfight.

OP posts:

marina · 09/04/2008 14:08

You have my sympathy PuhPeng. My dcs have a grandmother who witters on endlessly about what great children they are and how proud she is etc, but takes no ongoing interest in their lives. Despite living quite near to us she doesn't really know them at all.
She specialises in the sort of fatuous remark made by your father too.
Luckily she is not my parent but I know dh finds it very hard to cope with that she also takes little interest in how he is either.
This is not for lack of trying on our part and I'm sure that's the same for you too.
I hope your lack of cover for one particular weekend doesn't prove difficult - assume you have someone to leave dd with otherwise? Good luck anyway

BetteNoir · 09/04/2008 14:13

PuhPeng, I feel for you.
I have similar issues with members of our family.
They do genuinely think they are the bees knees as far as grandparents go.
If it is any consolation, I have found it less upsetting as the children got older.

I just think it will make me into a totally hands-on, doting grandmother.
(And then my DILs will no doubt be posting on here in 15 years about how I never back off! )

marina · 09/04/2008 14:15

Ours recently had the brass neck to refer to something she had read in Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall's "Good Grandparent Guide" and comment slyly that no-one had bought it for her so she'd had to buy it herself.
Was sooo tempted to retort that I wasn't sure she regarded herself as a grandparent from contact-based evidence...

thebecster · 09/04/2008 14:20

That would annoy me too, if I thought about it. Must admit though, my expectations are pretty low in terms of help from my parents with DS, they are very good at enthusing about him, and to be fair they occasionally send money which comes in very useful. But they did tend to ignore him when we visited. Although last time I noticed my Mum playing with DS a few times, which surprised me - then I realised it was because DS kept referring to the OTHER grandparents (who spend a lot of time with him). Then she tried to get him to say 'who's the best granny then?'. Luckily he's only 2 which meant that he wasn't bothered, and also didn't say 'The other one' which would have been awkward, and truthful...

cestlavie · 09/04/2008 14:21

You know what, mine are pretty much the same - they all live some way away, absolutely dote on DD but don't really want to do any of the hard work, e.g. even when we go up there and go to say, a restaurant, DW and I are the ones who're running around after DD whilst they sip their wine. As you say, they genuinely do adore her though.

Sometimes it really bloody pisses me off, when we're knackered and they don't do anything but then, on the other hand, I do pretty much figure they've earned it. We're the parents, she's our responsibility and christ knows, they probably ran their arses off around us when we were little so they can get to sit back and enjoy the good bits without all the crap that goes with it. Roll on being a grandparent!

sandyballs · 09/04/2008 14:22

How far away do they live? Sounds very hurtful.

themoon66 · 09/04/2008 14:25

I always remember DD aged about 3 saying to my mum...'when I go to my real granny's house...'

marina · 09/04/2008 14:25

both sets of grandparents are old in our case cestlavie and we don't expect help because I quite agree they have been there already.
Pausing to ask how we and they are, after she has delivered her 20 minute me-me-me update, in response to our enquiries about her, is not that effortful though
Professions of adoration ring a bit hollow when you have no idea what toys they enjoy playing with, who their friends are, what they like to do at weekends etc

cestlavie · 09/04/2008 14:32

Hmmmm, ours are a little different in that respect marina. Although they don't do much to help, they are always very interested in hearing about her (albeit on the phone!)

Original poster

PuhPeng · 09/04/2008 14:41

Thanks all.

I think mine are genuinely interested, but in a bit of a selfish way. They love hearing a funny story they can chuckle at and bore regale their friends with. Not so interested in hearing that she went to a party and won pass the parcel because, well, it's not very interesting unless you are her parents I suppose.

Oh it's so hard to avoid the trap of comparing them with friends parents. Bad. Achieves nothing.

I really don't want to be one of those parents who thinks that grandparents ought to take an active role. It's where the line is drawn that I am unsure about. Yes, they have had their children and they have earned the right to put their feet up and sip pinot grigio. They never need to change another nappy as long as they live. I don't begrudge them that. But would it really be so hard for my mum to give me a call and ask how I'm feeling, seeing as I'm 39 weeks pregnant? Or to ask if I have a birth partner? Or even to ask anything at all about the pregnancy, the birth, what we're doing with dd while I have the baby... the boring stuff?

Maybe they really don't have to pretend to be interested in the boring bits. Maybe that's a perk of being a grandparent.

OP posts:

thirtysomething · 09/04/2008 14:44

Always made me laugh when ds was born and MIL told me how many 'congratulations on becoming grandparents' cards they got!! They never bought him a present or hurried to meet him, just basked in the grandparent glory. To be fair though FIL was very ill straight away afterwards (so maybe they were trying to hide it from us?), and MIL has been quite hands-on overall.

thirtysomething · 09/04/2008 14:48

Strange as it sounds they may not realise you can't take DD with etc. to the birth and they may just not have thought that they may be needed - they could assume that DH will be away from the action with DD, as that's more how things used to be done? My parents were the same about my 2nd pregnancy, till I phoned them in the middle of the night and told them to get over here! They are 2 hours away and didn't leave till 7am the next morning so missed everything and DS had to come with to hospital (in the next room whilst I actually gave birth!). What made me feel very miffed was when they said they were so tired, as they hadn't been able to sleep all night for worrying about me!! I didn't seem to be allowed to be tired even though I'd been awake all night in agony and giving birth!!

Original poster

PuhPeng · 09/04/2008 14:57

You might have something there 30sth. My dad wasn't at my little brother's birth because he was sorting things out with the decorator. Perhaps they wouldn't realise that having a baby by myself through lack of childcare options wouldn't be my first choice.

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 09/04/2008 14:58

"Pausing to ask how we and they are, after she has delivered her 20 minute me-me-me update, in response to our enquiries about her, is not that effortful though"

Marina I could have written that about my mum. Puhpeng I know exactly where you are coming from - I can't remember the last time my mum phoned to ask how I am doing (I'm 34 wks pg)

However she is very generous with money, with us and dd, and in fact this is always how she has expressed affection. to see this tradition carrying on with dd rather than giving her some granny time.

(OTOH my mum does look after my niece one day a week, after my sister asked her. So maybe I just don't ask for help explicitly enough)

doggiesayswoof · 09/04/2008 14:59

Puhpeng what do you think their reaction would be if you asked them outright to be on standby to help out when you go into labour?

minouminou · 09/04/2008 16:28

was gonna say...it might not have occurred to them that you'd need a babysitter for DD...ask them, see what they say - you might be surprised

Original poster

PuhPeng · 09/04/2008 20:39

They live too far away to be on standby to help.

I did ask my dad if they were planning on coming back when I had the baby.
"Of course!" he says, sounding hurt. I blustered a bit and said that they hadn't said so I was just asking. "Of course we're coming back darling, you shouldn't even have to ask" .

But, umm, they're not... they've got friends staying and they're going away and they're quite obviously not coming back. I can only assume we were at cross purposes and he meant "Of course we're coming back for a pleasant visit at some point this year when you're up and about and can cook a nice meal and we can all have a nice beer and make fond grandparenty remarks about the children and how well you're doing".

OP posts:

roseability · 09/04/2008 21:09

This post struck a cord with me. I don't have a very good relationship with my parents (they are toxic) and they live far away. They don't have much involvement in my DS life and don't make much of an effort. On the other hand my MIL/FIL have been brilliant and very involved. My MIL does some childcare so that I can do a bit of work (not too much though), they babysit regularly so that my DH and i can get precious time together. My MIL is forever buying my DS useful presents clothes, new books, toys she knows he likes etc. She has everything we need at her house i.e. cot, changing mat etc. She takes a huge interest in his life (and mine) and knows him inside out. Distance is not an excuse as her daughter lives 400 miles away and she makes just as much effort with her children (going to stay etc). This is not to rub anything in, it just proves that you can be an involved grandparent and I think this is how it should be. I know the argument of they have done their bit etc but I feel it is the cycle of life. I would do this for my grandchildren. They still get to hand the children back and have plenty of time to themselves

Prufrock · 09/04/2008 21:39

puhpeng - it actually sounds to me like they are fine as grandparents, they just suck at being parents and supporting their child. You might not have a right to expect your parents to offer babysiting every week, or change nappies, but I do think that providing practical and emotional assistance to your own children shouldn't stop when your kids are adults, and they should be there (and want to be there) to support you through something like childbirth.

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