Mum's jealousy towards my dad

[Holyroly]

My parents are divorced.
I am late thirties with children of my own.
My mother had an affair 15 years ago and moved in with him, they're now married and live in the north of England, we live in the south. I know that my mum is not massivey happy in her second marriage but makes out that she is.

My Dad drank a lot when I was growing up and he wasn't really around or involved much. My mum brought us up, although I know she had atleast one affair when I was younger which dad never found out about.

My mum and I were close and bonded over our perceptions of my dad that he had let us down and bonded over our rubbish treatment from him. My older sibling saw things differently and sought to please my dad and still does today.

My dad retired two years ago and has since changed. He does not drink anymore and has become very supportive. He does my gardening now and then, buys myself and my children a big box of vegetables each month from his local greengrocer and he walks my dogs once a week when I'm at work. Also, since my husband left us 6 months ago, he takes myself and my children out for lunch now and then which is a lovely gesture.

He has paid off his mortgage and has a fairly good pension so he uses it to make myself and my siblings lives more easier. It's quite a novelty having a dad with so much time and care for us after years of him drinking and being disinterested. He's still not perfect. He's stubborn, grumpy and irritable but it feels nice to be made a priority at last. I don't rely on him for emotional support as he's just not capable of it, but the practical support is appreciated. He will also offer to pay for random large one off payments, for example- he bought me new tyres for my car a few months back and has given me £200 towards taking the children on holiday. I àm very grateful for his support.

My mum is not around a lot due to the distance between us and seems to have grown envious of the relationship we now have with my dad. I do understand in many ways as he made our lives very miserable for many years. But she has a rather annoyed tone of voice whenever she mentions something she's seen on social media when we've been somewhere with my dad or when she finds out about anything.

It's getting quite frustrating.
I almost feel guilty for spending time with him. How do I navigate this? My children also tell her things so it's difficult to conceal. She particularly gets annoyed when she finds out about his financial contributions as she says he owes her money. I try to keep things away from her but the children like to blab after seeing dad give me a wad of cash.

It's odd as for years after moving away she always said "I wish your father would help you out more" yet now he is doing, she seems jealous! How do I deal with it?

Honestly that is her issue not yours

‘mum I appreciate what happened in the past was awful but he has stopped drinking now and seems to want to make amends with us so I’m giving him a chance’

then move on

if she brings it up again just rinse and repeat every single time

Perfect 👌 nailed it in the first response

She moved away that's on her.... the I wish your dad would help you out more is just deflection away from her, she never wished anything of the sort.

That's what I'm starting to think too. The situation has changed my view of things as I'm starting to get the feeling that she enjoyed that she was the one we were closer to.

She particularly gets annoyed when she finds out about his financial contributions as she says he owes her money. I try to keep things away from her but the children like to blab after seeing dad give me a wad of cash.

use the broken record technique

oh isn’t it great he is finally paying his dues, you should be glad for us after nothing for years

I’m in a not dissimilar situation to your mum (no affairs though!) and it is galling that the person who got away with doing jack shit for years is allowed back into the fold now. I’m human, what can I say? I do try to mask it as best I can though as I hate to think my DC feel conflicted. It’s not easy.

PS i am glad that my DC are getting support of course. I will always be glad of that, and of knowing I’m no longer the only -or even prime - parent to be called on in an emergency. So I suck it up, as mums do.

My mother is very jealous of my father and his wife...they divorced after 23 years of marriage, my mother had been a SAHM (by choice) the whole time, couldn't get a job earning enough to buy my father out of the family home so it had to be sold.

The other woman (as she was at the time, they married and have now been married over 30 years) was about 5 years younger than my mother, had 2 children but had always worked. She owned her own house before meeting my father. My father moved into that house when he left.

35 years later my mother still stalks their social media, and like your mother, has nothing good to say about them or their lives. My mother is Catholic so has never had another relationship. She also says my father still owes her money. I don't have any contact with my father because I know if I did, and like your father he helped me in any way, my mother would make my life hell.

Like other posters have said, your mother should be pleased he's finally helping his children.