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Original poster

Would love some support - leaving.

6 replies

HoneysuckleYears · 24/06/2024 22:27

Relationship been on the way out for years, and looking back I can't believe what I put up with, but that is the power of hindsight and becoming older and wiser.
I had a great childhood and youth, but met him quite young, and he had a huge effect on me. He was 14 yrs older. No one approved but I was so headstrong, and eventually he became a part of the family. Fast forward to the past 10 years and we are hopeless - no sex, passive aggressive, stubborn, selfish and lives like a bachelor. No affairs or anything like that, far from it, it's like he's dead.

Feel bad saying that, but it is only in the context of our relationship. It has deteriorated fast since 2019, and how I coped with it through lockdowns god only knows. It was like manifesting into contempt by him at that point. However, we own a small house, not worth a lot, and being alone will be hard financially.
I will have to rent, as will he.

My issue here is to ask why I keep trying to communicate with him.
I have noticed that I share my thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams with him like we are still in love. I have recently had a lightbulb moment where I have realised that this is the crux of what stops me leaving immediately. And I can't figure it out.
I only have a few friends, two moved away and and others are very busy with grief or life stuff. He was quite controlling and I became a bit sheltered after my parent's death 10 yrs ago.

I feel so pathetic and stupid admitting all of this, as I see myself as a strong woman, but I do think the issue is my weird need to communicate with him, even though I KNOW it is pointless.
Why would someone do this? Why can't I be more reserved and just stop chatting to him? I am most certain that he knows this is a sort of power over me.
I divulge things, just regular stuff, but the type you'd share with a very close lover, which we are not!

Does this make sense to anyone at all?
I wonder if I didn't feel listened to before I met him, or something, and now I can't stop doing it. I need to stress that I do not want a relationship with him any longer, and do not feel happy or emotionally safe in this situation.

OP posts:
FatfunandADHD · 25/06/2024 07:35

I think you're likely looking for human connection. It is one of humans deepest needs. Have you tried journalling these thoughts instead?

I'd begin also looking at things you do love and see if there are any local groups where you could begin to build a connection.

Bittenonce · 25/06/2024 09:18

'I share my thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams with him like we are still in love'

I'm in same position - difficult for us to not share everything together like we've done for 6 years, she even had to share graphic details about times with new bfs ...... I think because the sharing habit was so ingrained.

It's a hard cycle to break. Needs someone else you can share with in the same way, to fill this void. But as hard as it is, you need to accept that this alone is not reason to stay; Just that you know this is something you need from a future relationship too.

TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking · 25/06/2024 09:45

How does he react to what you share with him @HoneysuckleYears ?

I am most certain that he knows this is a sort of power over me.

Did he seem very trustworthy at the beginning of your relationship and you felt safe confiding in him?

Original poster
HoneysuckleYears · 25/06/2024 10:27

Thank you.

I felt as if I could trust him at the beginning, yes. I suppose back then I really did think he understood me so well, and truly cared about me on a deep level. He didn't proceed to behave that way once settled, but I so wish now that I had walked back then.

It definitely is a need to communicate, feel human warmth, just to get along really. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself for sharing anything at all. Lately my mood has been cracking though and I keep getting angry with how I am treated, and he doesn't like that, he is deeply offended.
It is like my brain absolutely KNOWS how awful this is but im stuck in this weird paralysis.

Someone elsewhere told me that when going through a similar thing she had to access a kind of stubbornness with which to flick the switch for her to stop (and subsequently leave.) That makes sense.

OP posts:
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 25/06/2024 11:41

From my experience l think you should make friends, have hobbies and find ways to be happy without your DH
We all need intimacy, deep human connection, empathy. Its very hard but there comes time when you need to accept and really mourn and make peace with the fact you will not have your needs met with DH. No point telling a robot about your dreams and desires.
I'm sorry.

midnighthour123 · 26/06/2024 07:10

HoneysuckleYears · 24/06/2024 22:27

Relationship been on the way out for years, and looking back I can't believe what I put up with, but that is the power of hindsight and becoming older and wiser.
I had a great childhood and youth, but met him quite young, and he had a huge effect on me. He was 14 yrs older. No one approved but I was so headstrong, and eventually he became a part of the family. Fast forward to the past 10 years and we are hopeless - no sex, passive aggressive, stubborn, selfish and lives like a bachelor. No affairs or anything like that, far from it, it's like he's dead.

Feel bad saying that, but it is only in the context of our relationship. It has deteriorated fast since 2019, and how I coped with it through lockdowns god only knows. It was like manifesting into contempt by him at that point. However, we own a small house, not worth a lot, and being alone will be hard financially.
I will have to rent, as will he.

My issue here is to ask why I keep trying to communicate with him.
I have noticed that I share my thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams with him like we are still in love. I have recently had a lightbulb moment where I have realised that this is the crux of what stops me leaving immediately. And I can't figure it out.
I only have a few friends, two moved away and and others are very busy with grief or life stuff. He was quite controlling and I became a bit sheltered after my parent's death 10 yrs ago.

I feel so pathetic and stupid admitting all of this, as I see myself as a strong woman, but I do think the issue is my weird need to communicate with him, even though I KNOW it is pointless.
Why would someone do this? Why can't I be more reserved and just stop chatting to him? I am most certain that he knows this is a sort of power over me.
I divulge things, just regular stuff, but the type you'd share with a very close lover, which we are not!

Does this make sense to anyone at all?
I wonder if I didn't feel listened to before I met him, or something, and now I can't stop doing it. I need to stress that I do not want a relationship with him any longer, and do not feel happy or emotionally safe in this situation.

I've experienced this before, the barrier to connection & the shame of even needing it. You definately seek connection and closeness through communication, to bond through your ideas, ambitions, feelings - things that make you you - to be seen, understood and bond through those things together.

Don't stop seeking it. It's a beautiful intimacy you will cultivate and out of the millions out there, I bet someone wants to listen and bond with you in exactly the same way you crave to.

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