Devastated by break up

[Jellygold]

I split up from my DH around 6 months ago. We had been married for 20+ years. The relationship had been awful for a few years, with DH having a mental breakdown and years of emotional abuse. He told me that he'd stopped loving me a few years ago, and although I desperately tried everything to keep the family together (we have 2 teenagers) I just couldn't do it any more, so I said we would have to separate.

About a year and a half ago (so around a year before my DH moved out), I met a guy (I'll call him J) through some mutual friends. We got on really well. He was very warm and kind to me, and I have to admit I totally fell for him. I think I had been so starved of affection and kindness for years that it was so lovely to feel it from him. Nothing happened between us and I didn't tell him how I felt. When I met him I had already decided that I would need to separate from my DH, so meeting J didn't have any bearing on that.

We met up quite a few times but only ever with our friends there as well, but managed to have a few chats just us. We had really good chemistry, and I could tell he liked me as well. We just seemed to click.

When my DH moved out, J and I met up again a few times, this time just us. We again had amazing chats and chemistry. He told me that he liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me (not that bluntly, but after a long conversation!). This was a big thing for him to say, I know from our mutual friends that he hasn't been in a proper relationship for over 5 years as he apparently knows what he is looking for in a woman/ relationship and hadn't found it. He was very happily single. We met up again a couple of times - I started to fall in love with him.

But a couple of months ago I got really cold feet. I realised I still hadn't processed all the emotions/ grief from my marriage separation. I felt like I needed time and space to myself and to "find myself" again after so many years of marriage.

I was also feeling quite insecure, as I think he is really attractive (I know he wouldn't be to everyone's taste), and his job is similar to say a therapist, where he can meet women every day and potentially have quite intimate conversations with them. I started to feel that I was sure he would meet someone else, and that maybe he wasn't the right person for me, as I would never feel ok with his job.

So I told him that I couldn't go ahead with any relationship at the moment as I felt I needed time to heal - he was gutted but understood. He tried to reassure me about my worries but I was adamant that I needed time to heal and not be in a relationship. We had a few conversations about it and we both were upset. Since then I tried to move on but just kept thinking about him every day - feeling heartbroken and like I still loved him.

Then last week I heard from my mutual friend that J has met a woman he really likes, and has been on a couple of dates with her. I feel devastated. I know I was the one to break it off with him, but I'm realising that I hoped he would wait for me to heal (I was thinking it might take around 6 months/a year). I know that sounds selfish and ridiculous, but honestly both of us said we'd never felt a connection like we had before. Since I met him, I haven't looked at or thought about anyone else. But now he likes another woman?! I just don't understand - did he actually love me at all? He is very picky with women so how did he manage to meet another one that he really likes just after we broke up?
From what my friend said about this woman, I think she would be a really good match for his personality - he is quite fiery and confident and so is she apparently, whereas I'm the opposite.

It made me think though that I was right as I'd kind of thought he might meet another woman who he would prefer to me, and it has happened. I console myself with the fact that at least this way it is better - if I'd been going out with him and then he'd met this other woman, that would have been awful and I would have felt worse if I thought he'd preferred her whilst he was going out with me.

I'm sure I sound ridiculous and over the top but I honestly feel heartbroken and keep crying about it.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking - maybe if anyone has any thoughts on the situation so I could try to get my head round it!

It's quite possible that connecting with you made him realise he really did want a relationship and to find someone, so once you ended it he actually went out of his way to look which he might not have done before. I've seen it happen before with someone who'd been happily single for years. He wouldn't have met her with the same intent if you two were still together, so try not to put yourself down by assuming he'd "prefer" her to you.

It sucks but it is unreasonable of you to have expected him to wait around for you if you didn't ask him to do that - he's not a mind reader. You ended it and he respected that. He's done nothing wrong.

It's a shame but I don't actually think you were wrong to end the relationship - you were with your ex for a long time and it sounds like you have some healing to do from that, your self esteem doesn't appear to be very good, and it will be difficult to be happy in a relationship until you work on that.

My now ex said a few times she is not sure how she would feel if she saw me with someone else even though she ended it as I was more into her than me. I think it’s human nature. A what if moment.

But, he was single so naturally he looks around. If you think you made a mistake you could message him and explain but would I wait for 6 months for someone to make up their mind?

@MonsteraMama "It's quite possible that connecting with you made him realise he really did want a relationship and to find someone, so once you ended it he actually went out of his way to look which he might not have done before. I've seen it happen before with someone who'd been happily single for years. He wouldn't have met her with the same intent if you two were still together, so try not to put yourself down by assuming he'd "prefer" her to you."

That's a good point, and actually the thought had crossed my mind. He told me that he'd forgotten how nice it was to feel a connection with someone, so maybe he has now realised that he does want a relationship. Yes, maybe he wouldn't have been so open to this other woman if he and I had been together.

I just feel so sad about it - I know I was right to end it as I have a lot of healing to do, but I just don't know if I'll ever feel a connection like that again! Just really bad timing for me to meet him when I did, I guess.

@FloydPink "But, he was single so naturally he looks around. If you think you made a mistake you could message him and explain but would I wait for 6 months for someone to make up their mind?"

Yes of course, I understand he's done nothing wrong by looking around as he's single. I was just thinking that I haven't been looking around, I'm not even interested in looking for a man, and I was hoping that he and I would eventually get back together. But I totally get that's unreasonable as he didn't know I was thinking that. I didn't say anything to him as I thought it would sound ridiculous and unfair to ask him to wait for me, but I guess I was hoping that he would do it anyway! 🫣

It's just a weird situation to be in, I have such strong feelings for him, but know I can't be in a relationship at the moment as I really need time to process the separation.

You say you don’t know if you’ll find a connection like that again. You didn’t expect to find that connection wit him and it happened. Maybe you’ll find another unexpected connection when you are healed, ready and your BEST self xxx

I think us men are simple creatures. I don’t think we need time to process things.

if a relationship ends and that is the end, then it’s time to move on. Mine has ended literally today and it’s a weird one for me as still care about each other but want different things. Obviously gutted but that’s her decision and while I don’t get it I respect it. There is nothing I could have done differently so in that way not much to process.

that doesn’t mean I am now logging into tinder but emotionally I am in a good place and if someone came along I would have not problem in seeing what happens.

I could wait, play it cool and see what happens and maybe the friendship will turn back into something, or I could waste 6 months waiting and I guess that’s how he thinks of things.

even after my marriage ended (total 23 years) I was ok to start dating within a couple of months. Each person is different but I do think the sexes process differently.

Thank you, I really appreciate that!

Yep I agree...men are definitely SIMPLE!

Anytime chick :) recently out of an abusive relationship myself and I can see how easy it would be and to fall into someone else’s arms. Truthfully it would just stop me from accepting and healing but damn it would be easier.

take the hard road because I believe it will bring the most reward and the view will be better from the top 😊🥰

@FloydPink That's so interesting to hear that male perspective!

I do also think men and women process these things differently. In fact when I was saying to J that I needed time to process and heal after my marriage, I could tell he didn't totally get it. He said when previous relationships finished for him, even if he was upset, he was able to walk away and move on, not necessarily with a new partner, but just move on with his life, as he accepted it was over.

"There is nothing I could have done differently so in that way not much to process." You see, I'm not thinking like that at all! I'm feeling like the ending of my marriage has led to a grieving process, of loss, sadness, hurt feelings etc. Also reflecting on my behaviour in the marriage and how I want to be going forward. It feels like it's a natural process that just needs to be got through. But it just shows that maybe some men (and I'm not saying just men, maybe some women as well) would not necessarily go through this.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has ended today.

I think you should decide if you want him back now. If so , write to him , tell him how you feel about him , tell him how much you’ve thought of him , tell him how gutted you are that hes found someone else . What have you got to lose ? Nothing ! He will be floored by your honesty and openness! Leave you number on the bottom if he’d like a coffee ! Honestly, this happened to my friend after she came out of a long term relationship, she ment someone thought it was to soon , he then moved on , she was gutted , and convinced him to give her another chance ! They have been happily married for 17 yr now .

I guess for my marriage I knew it was over at least 12m maybe longer before it did. Kids, the fear of the split etc meant it didn’t happen when it probably should have and for that time we were both checking out. So it was. It unexpected and we had both done a lot of the grieving while together.

like you I reflected on what I could and should have done differently and I think the pressure of not being in an unhappy marriage meant I could also move quickly as I knew what I had wanted. Maybe for you that grieving didn’t take place beforehand and maybe for me it would have taken longer if it was unexpected.

but a good mantra I found is control what you can control and let go of things you can’t. The past cannot be changed so accept what went wrong and move on. A personal view is that wallowing or keep thinking back can trap you in a negative spiral be that work or relationships. Not saying that works for everyone but it did for me.

hope you are able to move on and if you think you are not ready yet then it was not to be. If you think those feelings are strong then don’t have a what if moment, message him and see what he says. Maybe take it slowly. It could be too late for him but while us men are quick to move on, some of us also would go back if it felt right.