How to say tell him it's over?

[DIYDebz]

Do not love my H. He has been v cruel in the past and even though things are better now, I have no feelings towards him. He sleeps during the day, he isn't interested in me or anyone really.

He is v dependent on me. He's just at home most of the time and no longer sees friends or family.

I have a date in my diary to tell him. I want to split. Our kids are v little. And the finances are a mess.

Eveerytime I think about it I feel so sick. I just don't know if I can do it. I feel like I'm going ti throw up. I can't imagine the words leaving my mouth.

How do I do it? I feel like I'm destroying so much. The guilt is all consuming.

How do people do it? When do you find the strength? Any stories of people feeling the same?

Fear and guilt are keeping me here. But he hasn't been supportive or kind to me in so long.

I wish I could do it!!

Just tell him. The fallout will be the same if you tell him now or later. Do you both work? Seek proper legal advice re finances and work out custody between you if possible.

Yes I work full time. I don't think he will be able to talk about custody or anything like that propeley. I worry he's going to go quite crazy. He will certsinly be obstructive.

I keep trying to do it and weeks go past.

Do you just say it? And then go sleep in the spare room? He is going to cry and scream and lose his mind. How do I live in the same house?

I'm sorry OP. This is so common- men who lose interest and turn nasty instead of making any effort or leaving themselves, because they're lazy, emotional babies. Your DH will already know things aren't good. We can only lie to ourselves on a superficial level, we always know the truth deep down.

The fact that so many women are afraid to broach the subject, never mind say the killer words 'I've had enough it's over' is so telling. Women do everything they can to please others, soften the blow. But also women are acutely aware that men turn nasty and that they have to plan in advance how to manage an angry, irrational man.

If he was any kind of decent human at all, the moment you say you've had enough he should want to work out how to make it easiest for your DC. On being told you're no longer happy with him, an unselfish person would let you go. On being rejected, an intelligent person would seek to learn from their mistakes to give their next relationship a better chance.

Women do all of these things. Men are only interested in themselves so he will focus on himself and try to bargain, blackmail and bully his way to whatever he wants.

Go into the conversation with that in mind and ask him why he would want to hurt your children, be with someone who he doesn't make happy and continue in a relationship he has stopped making any effort with. Unless he can give you answers that change your mind, then you say 'there you go, it's over'.

@Superlambaanana I have bought up splitting once (after a week of him being absolutely awful to me) and he agreed. He then proceeded to talk me to about the practicalities of introducing a new partner to DC. He said "well I'm only in my 40s I'll certainly be looking for a new partner and you can't stop me". I was shocked when he said he would introduce partners to DC straight away and I couldn't stop him. I mean I cpudltn stop him but taken aback by his reaction and got scared about what this means for DC

He promised to do counselling and to go back to GP himself but none of that has happened

Even if he did make an effort I'm not sure I could be persuaded. I don't like him

He is a big baby. He doesmt love me but he absolutely does not want to stand on his two feet at all.

He sounds absolutely vile. Can you get your ducks in a row in terms of finances, etc. Make a plan first and when every is ready and you can extract yourself from this situation, split.

Mine said similar to yours OP. He's been single AFAIK since we separated 5 years ago. It's just bluster. I too was taken aback but I pointed out how stupid it sounded and it made him look silly really.

The stuff about introducing every woman he meets to your DC is just bluster and blackmail. Expect more of the same when you end it and brace yourself to ignore it all. He sounds awful so while any split is hard, focus on the long term goal of being happier. Good luck!

Think of all the threats/reasons/excuses he’ll throw your way to persuade you not to split up. Then bat them away because you know he’ll try anything.

And then think of the total relief you’ll feel when it’s done and you’re free to get on with your life without him draining you of any hope/enjoyment. It’ll be a while before you can put him out of your head completely, but bit by bit he’ll be less important and you’ll have the space to move on.

OP, you'll find, in the end, that all the delaying is pointless, it's simply torturing yourself.

Bite the bullet, and say it as simply as possible.

'H, I'm not happy, and neither are you, so it's time for us to split up and start the divorce proceedings.'

Just make sure that you don't do it when the DC are at home (if they're big enough to understand, he'll likely try to drag them into the conversation).

If possible, could you get a friend or family member to be there when you tell him? It makes it less likely he'll kick off too badly.

When he 'threatens' to start dating or saying he'll go for 100% custody of DC. remember it's just his final attempt at blackmailing you to stay and continue with the life you have now, because that's what HE wants (and he doesn't give a shiny shit about you or the DC and what's best for them/you !).

Let him bluster, just go 'grey rock' on him and refuse to be drawn into any 'discussions' or 'arguements'.

You CAN do this ! And the sooner the better for you and your DC.

Yes, you are all right.

@Autumntimeagain kids are 2 and 4 so always at home or school/nursery. Was going to do it on an evening when the kids are in bed and I'll book time off work so if he goes AWOL or starts losing his shit - i am able to easily to do whatever I need to do with DC. Was thinking Friday evening and then he doesnt have to go to work the next day. I'm probably overthinking it!

Last time I told him I was unhappy he lost his shit for a few days and scared the kids a lot. And I hadn't planned and I struggled to contain it all.

This time I want it to be for definite but also that I have a plan.

He would say he always prioritises the kids and being dad is best thing in his life but when he's upset he will scream and swear at me in front of them and seems to feel zero guilt afterwards. What he says and how he acts don't match up.

He might WANT to meet someone else, but I doubt they’ll be queuing round the block for him.
If you think he will be angry / violent, is there another adult you can have near when you bite the bullet?

Can the little ones go to a grandparents or aunt/uncles house for a night?
He sounds absolutely hideous, I wouldn't want the children around at all tbh.

@TomatoSandwiches he does sound hideous! But day to day - there is v little drama. He cooks dinner, plays with DC, and doesn't drink or cheat. But he is v low and sulky. And I have learnt that I can't expect any support from him or any affection - and if I do speak up, he may errupt and he can also be manipulative (pretending to be ill). But if you were a fly on the wall it would seem like a normal family home with smiley chidlren who are loved. But that's because I ask nothing of him.

I thought I could just manage it all but I know now that I can't do this for the rest of my life.

@DIYDebz you shouldn't have to put up with him though and even worse having to anticipate vile behaviour when you try to end the relationship because of his own awful actions.
He is abusive, I would recommend calling women's aid to see what advice they have for what you are planning.

No one is awful all the time. Men tend to swing between being good company/ partners/ fathers (usually when everything is going their way and they're getting to spend their time the way they want to) and awful shits/ cheaters/ abusers.

Women put up with this for generations. Pandering more, making more and more sacrifices to keep the peace, turning a blind eye, putting up with too much and for too long because leaving wasn't an option. It's time we broke the cycle.

Splitting up is hard to do even when you are resolved and have a plan. You will be tested! By his childish reactions and your own inner voice resisting change. But pushing through when you know it is the right thing to do is so powerful. There is joy in carving out a new life without childish, selfish men.

So I say go for it. And go hard. Be determined and make it happen.

Lastly, perhaps you should take the children away immediately after breaking it to him (ideally he would move out immediately but that seems unlikely). Could you go to stay with a friend or family member? Or even in a hotel for a couple of nights? To a) avoid having to deal with his inevitable tantrum, b) show you are serious and c) create a little space for a day or two to allow everyone to make practical arrangements for the future. Just a thought.