Is it him or me?

[yjo25]

So I've been with my boyfriend 2 years this June.

A bit of back ground on me ...... 39 with 3 children 17, 8, 4. Never had it easy with relationships. With my 8yo dad for 6 years which was a very volatile relationship, which now I am on the other side has made me a stronger person and what I am/am not prepared to put up with.

So my now boyfriend left his 12 year marriage to be with me (they were living separate lives). It started great but for the last 6 months (ish) I've felt like I'm in this relationship alone. It's easier to sum up what he brings to the table in terms of running the house or caring for the kids (we live together). So basically he will wash the pots after tea, pick the kids up 3 days a week from school watching them for 15 mins until I'm home from work, now and again I will leave the 8yo with him if I go out but my 4yo DD is with me all the time. He's terrible with money, with organisation, no enthusiasm, quite a negative person in general, completely focused on his own needs/wants. He used to try so hard with my 8yo who's dad never bothered with him and now that's tailing off. I feel like the thrill of a family life is wearing off for him, and maybe this is what happened in his marriage.

To balance things out I'm a very head strong person, thrive for nice things in life, always on the go and putting people before myself. I do snap at him yes and I do pull him up on these things which makes me come across as nagging all the time, his behaviour is making me feel disconnected from the relationship/intimacy. I feel like I am trying to keep something going to save the heartbreak for my son by him leaving.

My head tells me one thing and my heart another. My mum bless her plays devils advocate because she doesn't want me to feel I made a mistake in the future if I call it a day. Tells me a lot of men are the same if I don't ask/tell them to do it they won't think to do it themselves. But truth be known want an equal not a 4th child.

Am I expecting too much from him?

Did he move in with you?

Yes admittedly too soon. Because he moved out their house back to his mums 1 night at mine turned into 2, 3, 4 ...... 2 years lol.

Well I guess the honeymoon period has worn off and youre now seeing the real each other. He has no kids?

He has 2 15 and 13, however they're not really bothered with him unless there's money up for grabs.

He is unlikely to leave until he finds another sucker who believes him and you are leading separate lives and only living together for convenience.

he beings nothing to the tablez

Am I expecting too much from him?

The question is what did you expect from him when he moved in? Im guessing his outlook on life wasnt always so negative?

Chuck him back in the ocean.

That's my fear that he'd quite happily stay here unhappy because he doesn't want to live with his parents and probably couldn't afford to live alone.

I'm not saying he is a bad person but I think we want different things in life. When I have said this to him before he tells me he wants the same, but then his actions say different.

Honestly? They aren't his kids, right? What exactly were you expecting from him? It's not working now the initial thrill has worn off. He doesn't care about your family, he doesn't see his kids, he left his marriage for a more exciting time with you. Hardly a prime specimen.

Time to start again.

I just want him to match my efforts, to take an interest in the house, finances, building a future etc. But his mindset is "as long as I have money for vapes and some beers every week I'm good".

I have no doubt he doesn't like the being moaned at about money and pulling his weight.

How long were you together before he left his marriage for you?

It sounds like you rushed into things without really knowing each other very well and the honeymoon period is well and truly over.

Hes showing you now who he is - not the illusion you first thought.

But apart from being more friendly with your 8 year old, what else has changed in the past 2 years?? How has he gone from hero to zero.

No they're not his kids. I've never expected him to be a surrogate dad to them, just accept them, make an effort around them etc.

I think you're right in what you're saying. My difficulty is putting my own feelings first even in instances like this.

So he's ditched his wife and kids and is now looking after your kids for you. Looks like he's only still there for a roof over his head.

I think it sounds like you both moved very quickly and now the honeymoon period is over you are both seeing a different side to each other. I also think from his side, he probably found being with you an exciting holiday from his marriage and family life and it was a nice little escape for him, but now he’s back in the drudgery of family life- and family life with 2 young children in the mix as opposed to his teenage children- he’s back in exactly the same spot as he was in with his ex wife.

We worked together and he was texting me for nearly a year. When he said he wanted more I said that I wasn't prepared to go behind his wife's back even if they were not happy ...... 2 weeks later he left her. I never lead him in to leave her, he'd have to wait days for a reply to texts sometimes and at work it was literally "hi you ok".

Yes I think I'm getting the version his wife got.

Looking after me and mine is quite a strong statement. I feel like he is my 4th child except he pays board 🤣

His children aren't his ex wife's they are from a short relationship before her.

Absolutely, he is back to disappearing all weekend playing darts and drinking. I try to involve him in family things but he looks completely uninterested when there

He's a crap dad to his own kids, what makes you think he'd be any good to yours? You moved far too fast moving him in and integrating him into your kid's lives. Chuck him out and learn a lesson for the future before moving another bloke in.

I think that’s probably part of the problem. You were fun and exciting for him when it was just flirting, texting, a bit of a sexy secret, a little “high” of sorts, but now he has committed to you and realised that actually the reality of life with you means living together, doing dishes, cooking meals, doing school drop offs and living with young children, family weekends rather than weekends getting drunk etc- he’s over it.

Honestly if I was you I’d jump ship before he walks away, take some control over that.

I think you know why he is living with you...is that what you want?

Im not surprised if he makes the same paltry effort with them.

why did you let him move in? He’s hardly a catch is he? I bet his wife was pleased to see the back of him.