I’m not sure I’m even going to post this but need to write it all down as I’m feeling totally in turmoil and it’s not getting better, perhaps pouring it all out will help.
Long story short my partner of over 20 years a couple of months ago started being very affectionate, bringing me flowers, always wanting to kiss and hold my hand. As this was a surprise after the last few years of not really doing affection I asked him what was behind it. He confessed at that point that he had an infatuation for a woman at work 20 years his junior. At that stage it was an infatuation apparently and he wanted to work on our relationship, although he flitted between being super loving to shouting at me for absurd “sins” I’d committed over the years. It’s worth mentioning that I’d assumed a mid life crisis at this stage, he wasn’t sleeping and had lost a lot of weight despite eating.
However he then insisted with this woman, who apparently only wanted sex but he wanted “something more”. I phoned him once to ask when he was coming home and he confessed he was with her, “clarifying” the situation. He then came home at 1am apologising, that he “had to discuss it” she said no to the relationship he was asking for (wtf that he was still asking her!) and that he wanted to stay with me. I told him that he needed to stop with this woman or he would be leaving. I had a business trip coming up, so he had a week to think about it while I was away and make his decision. All week he sent me photos of drinks and dinners with friends, the the night I was travelling (the night before I returned) he spent the evening and had sex with this woman in our car.
i knew nothing at that stage and when I came back I asked if he’d made a decision and he nodded yes, without elaborating. He then spent every evening out, supposedly with friends, then he went away at the weekend as usual (he has a hobby which takes him away one night most weekends, it never was a problem and I used to enjoy the time on my own). I was suspicious anyway at this stage due to the numbers of evenings out, it’s not like him, and in the past when I’d been away he’s always wanted to spend time with me on my return.
it transpired he’d not only been with her every night in the week, when he told me he was with friends, but he took her away for the fucking weekend, including shelling out for a night in a hotel. He came back, apologised and wanted me to hold him. Naturally I told him to fuck off and move out.
He’s now living in a friend’s outhouse, but we’ve remained in contact and have started couples therapy and “dating” again. This woman is still hanging around like a bad smell as they work in the same office, but he’s realised he doesn’t want to throw away 20 years.
I’m doing the therapy because I need to unpick all the confusion I have in my head and understand my feelings on this. I still have the rage and feel humiliated and hurt he could do something like this to me, my head tells me to ditch the fucker but in the end I do love him. Had he not started up the super loving part at the beginning of all this I might have been less hurt, as we’d fallen into the humdrum of almost parallel lives, but this rekindling reminded me of the man I fell in love with. I do wonder if there is an element of co-dependence in both sides, we’re both used to having each other around, plus he hates being in his own and has been coming to me as his rock while he has this turmoil in his head. I always used to be the one to fix things and find the solutions, so I’m still being used for that.
In fact I do wonder if I’m being used full stop. The doubt will always remain, he pursued this woman but I was the insurance option, clearly. The trust had gone completely on my part, when he goes out with friends now he sends me photos as proof. I hate living like this, mistrusting and feeling the need to check up constantly, we were never like that. I don’t think we can ever recover the trust.
Since the mega betrayal, between the rage I still have inside, the hurt and humiliation, plus my confused feelings towards him, I’ve not been managing to eat much and I’ve not been sleeping well, which of course is only heightening my emotional state. It’s now affecting my work, I’m feeling overwhelmed by simple problems and am not being efficient. I’m quite senior in a decision making role so I do need a clear head.
i just need this to be “over” in some way. Some days I feel calm and composed, then the next I’m a wreck. We have our second couples therapy session later this week but I get the impression we won’t be reaching a conclusion any time soon.
wow, sorry that was long and boring, yet only semi-cathartic. This is going to be a long slog, isn’t it?