Can someone help me understand what’s going on here with my dad?

[Idontunderstand3]

I don’t understand what’s going on here. Can someone help me work out this dynamic.

Now this is just one example of the same kind of frequent scenario that plays out over the years.

Background: I’ve divorced and had to move home for a while this year.

My dad told a neighbour that the bank took my house back because he got flustered being questioned.

I was not very happy about this and expressed that he’s basically implied that the bank repossessed my home (couldn’t be further from the truth).

He said he didn’t mean it like that.

I said I know he didn’t but that’s how it sounds.

He then said “I didn’t know you cared what they thought of you.”

So I said “Well it’s not very nice to say is it? It’s like me going around telling people you defaulted on things when you haven’t. You wouldn’t like it, would you?”

Ive asked him several times (over several years) why he feels the need to answer other peoples probing questions and that he can refuse… and that no one is entitled to know his business. He doesn’t know why he does it. He wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot… not that he will admit it.

He then asked how he can rectify it… so
i said that he can’t really, but he needs to think about why he feels compelled to answer everyone’s questions even when they are personal… or make up stories that aren’t true.

He then apologised again and said “in the future I won’t tell anyone anything” but in a kind of tone that I kind of want to say is martyrish.

He then refused the dinner I’ve cooked and went to bed.

And now I’m here feeling guilty.

And I already know that tomorrow he will be “off with me” which basically means I will get one word answers and very little
of any communication.

What’s going on here? Why do I feel like I’ve done something wrong for just talking about how it made me feel?

Is there something I could do better?

Nothing you could do better other than don’t make yourself stressed over his martyrdom. It’s good if he never says anything to anyone. Don’t rise to it. Be breezily normal until he wises up and stops sulking.

Living with a parent again as an adult can be tricky. But I think you had every right to say how you felt. If he ends up in a bit of a sulk for a few days, leave him to it!

Incidentally, and I know this can get thrown around a lot so my apologies if this causes anyone reading this offense, but., could he be on the spectrum? My own father does this sort of thing and the family have reached the conclusion he is probably autistic (lots of other signs pointing to this too, of course).

Feisty that is what I thought. Some of DH's family are, and this is exactly how they behave

Exactly the above ^

its not about you. It’s about the neighbours. He is just having fun with their narrow and shallow minds. He’s just playing. Try to chill and go with the ‘prank’.

Omg… my ex-husband is very clearly autistic. It’s one of the reasons I think why we didn’t work in the end. I always had to point out very obvious things to him, and he could never understand my emotions (or his own actually). It wasn’t just that but it contributed a large part I think. He’s awaiting an assessment.

I’m actually crying and laughing.
How mental.
I married my father in another form.

Weaponised incompetence. Does the refused dinner go hand in hand with silent treatment ?

Yes always the same pattern. He refuses the meal after I’ve talked about my feelings, or we’ve had a disagreement of some kind. Then he goes to bed and stays there. Then the next day the silent treatment… one word answers.

Blimey, he needs to grow up. He’s emotionally immature. Sulking because you’ve told him what he said was wrong? Is he 5?!

Do you know what. The more I think about it the more it’s plausible that he could be autistic. He’s definitely emotionally pretty illiterate. He once told me I was needy… when I’m the least needy person ever. If anything everyone else around me tells me I’m too independent… but it’s because he doesn’t understand the feelings I think.