How do you get over abuse so deep?

[IsabellaV45]

I am out of an abusive marriage 15 months and although on the outside I am coping with life, inside I am lost, alone and v frightened.
My ex was was having affairs - we have small children so I had no idea until it was in my face. That wasn’t the worst though, I took him back and he engineered my family to feel sorry for him as he felt neglected so I had my mum saying I was too defensive and that I had to be nicer to my husband so he would stay. It was soul destroying. My husband would regularly berate me, I was powerless to do anything. During this time, my mum and husband were texting each other along with other family members to see how I was getting on, ie, was I being nice to him. This setup of nightmarish proportions would have gone on until I probably lost my mind but if it were not for the OW’s husband contacting me to say the affair had never stopped.
I am finding the betrayal of my family so hard to overcome and feel so worthless.

Oh OP, it sounds awful, and it must have been terrible to have your family members go along with him,

I guess all I could suggest would be to try not to see it as a betrayal on their parts. Abusers can be incredibly talented manipulators. He clearly deceived and manipulated you- getting you to commit to him, try and make a relationship with him work, and believe in his faithfulness...,, can you see your family's behaviour similar? They were manipulated and deceived, along with you.

Of course, ignore this if your family acted awfully or if they have a history of persecuting you...... but if normally they are supportive, but believed his lies in this instance, then I think that is down to his manipulation.

How are they being now? Have you told them the full of awfulness of what he has done? Sometimes we also have the instinct to protect an abuser from other people knowing the truth, but then of course we can't get the support we deserve.

Again, so sorry but I'm very glad you are free of him.

abuse survivor here, returned twice, was having a serious mental break down, panic attacks, finally ended after they left me... I lost most of my friends due to them getting sick of me bending back into his box. And I'm a reasonably intelligent person in a profession!

Honestly time heals you, 4 years later I am recovered, but every now again I have had a panic that hes still following me in his car. Keep moving forward, find things that bring you joy and try not to dwell on the past. you have free'd yourself and you WILL return to your old self but better. Surround yourself with even just 1 or 2 people who will validate your experiences and let you speak. Because they are so valid. But also open yourself up to all the things you have been missing while consumed with this situation.

With regard to your family honestly its so hard for them to understand unless they have been in your shoes, and are also second hand to the deception of the 'charm' these abusers usually possess and their ability to lie through situations effortlessly ..

Mine didn’t have affairs but he hit me, his parents defended him. Despite me having a difficult newborn and a job 20 times more challenging than his and doing all the parental work his mum was like poor little man works hard and isn’t coming home to his favourite meal etc

if you can go complete NC with them all

You can always try counselling to help you unpack what happened. Focus on the supportive relationships you have and distance from those that do not help. Try to limit contact as much as poss with abuser and his contact with your family.

I’m in counselling and it is going well.
Family are outwardly close knit but as I’ve grown older - their inability to discuss any problems and willingness to accept toxic behaviours is more apparent.
They are victims too - I know but in my community, there is a lot of excusing toxic masculinity and it’s hard.

Thank you / you are so right about the ‘charm’ - he upped the charm as I was disintegrating into an absolute shell.
Thank you for the hope ❤️
It is also difficult as we have children so he uses that to control a lot of my life and I am a reasonably qualified professional too!

Honestly you're doing so well to have left and be able to identify whats happened and that you stand by your own reality. You can't force your family to deal with their own trauma or perspective, so if anything comes up you can just say something like, ' that doesnt line up with my experience' and change the topic away from this manipulative a hole and hopefully they;ll get the message he is not to be trusted.

A friend has a kid with an abusive ex. The have no contact other than between lawyers, dont text or talk - even hand overs they do not meet its done through family and friends on a rota the do not deviate from so theres no need to talk. I recommend you have this setup if poss.

Just keep going it just takes ages but you will get there :)

Sounds like he still holds a lot of power over you. Are you divorced? He sounds awful and clearly hoodwinked your own family too.

OP, you are going through one of the toughest experiences that a person can have. You've been abused and gaslit for years and years. Someone who is willing to manipulate their in laws to feel sorry for them, whilst having multiple affairs at the same time is a narcissistic sociopath at best and psychopath at worst. Like how messed up do you have to be to do something like that? Fact. It doesn't feel that way now, but you are lucky to have escaped a scumbag like your ex. You know the real him. Your family don't. He saved the real version of himself for you but outside he was an actor. You need to stand firm in your experience and your truth. You saw him behind closed doors, they didn't. Good riddance and you will be strong again. Educate yourself on covert narcissism. That's what saved me when I experienced a similar situation.