Think my marriage is over

[Sunflowerskies]

My husband have had been arguing a fair bit lately. I felt he wasn't pulling his weight at home and wasn't really interested in doing family stuff or helping with the kids.
He felt like I am impossible to talk to and am anxious and annoying basically.
He's said now he doesn't know how it will work between us.
I asked how he can throw away our marriage and family over what I think aren't even big problems.
He said we can try but he feels I infuriate him as I get overwhelmed easy and make his life harder. I feel this is because I actually ask him to help me, to do things with us ect and he gets annoyed because he has things to do. I'm always "on at him" apparently.
He still wants sex with me and is being normal with me really. But occasionally says things like if we split up or if you ever got another boyfriend. It's so upsetting, he says he's been saying this stuff for ages but I didn't know it was this bad.
I'm so upset because I acknowledged I have some issues that I need to work on but he won't take any responsibility for his.
I told him I felt he only liked me before we had kids and doesn't really want a family or isn't cut out for it and he said he sort of agreed with it.
Why marry me then? Why have children with me just to carry on as normal and be annoyed that I have different priorities and our lives are different now.
I'm not sure what um looking for
I'm just upset. Upset that this isn't the life I wanted for my kids. Not how I imagined our family life would be.

'Think my marriage is over'? No, not yet.
But clearly it needs fixing, not working for either of you as it should, not making either of you happy.
I hate to say it (because it's something that personally I feel uncomfortable with) but it sounds like some counselling would be useful - neutral environment to get both your issues out in the open.
If you can do that it will help you (both) see more clearly if you can fix this thing, or whether it really is irreparably broken.
But whether or not you go down this route, it sounds like there's more going on, that needs to come out. Good luck!

To be honest there is not much you can do with a person who thinks their life gets to carry on an usual after having kids, while you get to carry their extra load as well as your own. Its utterly selfish behaviour. I would pull right back, start the planning the split, how to make it work practically and financially. Move into another room if you can, definitely no sex, cold as ice with him. Give him a taste of it, if he's perfectly happy then you have your answer. In no way would I be going along with his manipulation that his behaviour is acceptable. That wont get you anything you want from this relationship, and your children will grow up around your misery and his disrespect.

Did you have the discussion regarding kids before you fell pregnant? Was he all in on the idea then? I get the impression he's throwing his toys out the pram and holding separation over your head when you ask him to pull his weight more.. which isn't fair and is emotional blackmail. Of course I only know your side of the situation, but if the only issues you have are nagging disagreements over chores I can't see why that can't be maturely settled through adult conversation as opposed to divorce and splitting the kids family..

unless there is more to it on his side - ie. He's lost interest. Isn't invested in you as a life partner anymore and has checked out.
Sounds like you need to have a honest and frank conversation with each other.

Yes he said he wanted children. Even recently said he wanted another?!
But has now admitted he isn't cut out for it.
I find it hard too. I'm sure everyone does but he seems to expect everything to be normal for him and I do everything. He thinks because he works and provides the money then I should do everything else. But it's too much for me and I feel he should be doing more when he's home.
Says I am a housewife so should do more basically (I do all kid stuff, cooking for the kids, as much housework as I can manage but it's hard with small kids and no help)
He says he does his own washing and cooks for himself so doesn't ask me of anything and I shouldn't constantly go on at him
He never offers to help with my washing though or cook for the kids. Just does his own thing.

He doesn't seem to have checked out. He is acting quite normal with me but just says things about us breaking up and how this won't work ect. It's really weird.

How old are your kids? If young, I think staying at home is probably harder than most jobs so of course you need support and he needs to be pulling his weight. Or maybe go back to work and then it will be 50/50 split for household stuff?

@Sunflowerskies to be honest, I find it odd that he even cooks for himself and does he own washing but isn't willing to help in regard to the kids. If he is going to cook for himself, what's the hardship in cooking extra and feeding you and the kids too once or twice a week, or at weekends? Same with his washing, if he can wash his own, can he not throw a load in that includes everyone's clothes?? It's a really bizarre way to live within a household with a family and married?? It's essentially living a separate life...
if my husband did that I'd be like wtf?!
And in regard to him saying he isn't cut out for it - bit late for that now. He laid down and made the kids with you, now he needs to pull his big boy pants up and be a father and husband. Regardless of him working and providing for a family he planned for.
How old are your kids? Are they not in nursery or school yet? X

I was going to ask the ages of the children. Life gets a lot easier for you once one or both are in school.
Like lots of men, he doesn’t like the reality of having kids or the idea that he has some responsibility for caring for them.
We think our man is our soul mate, we can tell them anything about how we are feeling, our worries and out woes. We really can’t, as they will either use it against us or they just aren’t interested.
My take is he is using it to silence you and your complaints and demands. You are frightened now and he knows you won’t rock the boat. It’s interesting that he cooks for himself- what does he say when you ask what he is making for the kids?
You deserve a lot more, so do your children.

PS Before anyone says NAMALT- I know, but people don’t tend to write posts about those ones.

Thank you all for your replies.
Children are 4 and 19 months. 4 year old goes to preschool a few days a week. Other than that they are both with me always.
He cooks for himself because he's really into fitness and basically just eats chicken and rice everyday, whereas me and the kids eat more variety. But no he has never offered to make us anything or asked what we would like.

He does pretty much just do his own thing. He seems to like the idea of wife and kids but not want to get involved properly. Just moans at me for asking. I don't even ask much, just things like come out with me and the kids, sometimes watch the kids whilst I shower. Literally nothing else really so not sure why that's me going on at him.

I think he thinks because he works he should get to just be left alone at home to do what he wants but I never get a break then and I want us to be more like a family and parent together.

I would suggest you get counselling on your own.

Don't waste money on marriage counselling where it sounds like he will just twist and turn it around to you being the problem, I've found most counsellors haven't a clue about these kinds of men.

Because most of them haven't been through it and therefore haven't a clue.

Maybe reach out to Womens Aid for a recommendation in your area.

He underestimates the amount of work that goes into running a house with small children. Theare are lots of husbands like that. They are not necessarily bad men or bad husbands, they just don't get it. To be fair, most women overcomplicate life. Drop your standards ASAP,. Your kids will benefit much more from a stable and loving home environment rather than 2 divorced parents and a home-made cake on the birthday they are spending with their mum alone. So drop the house keeping standards with immediate effect. Put 3/4 of the toys away, rotate them occasionally. Get rid of 3/4 of their clothes, cut down on the mess. Only cook the most basic recipes you can think off. Get him a shop pizza and some crisps and some beer if he drinks. He will much prefer that to eating a nice meal and then being asked to help with the dishes. Do you like reading? I recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk. Also, if you are planning to go to work in the future, I would also recommend a small book called Eat Your Frog (or get the most important tasks done first). I hope it helps

OP, I had one of those. After ds was born, he presumed he could carry on as he had done before. It was as if he was saying 'I've given you a baby now shut up and leave me in peace.'

I spent two years explaining to him that just because he worked 8 hours a day, did not mean I could care for DS 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, never have a break, and that he needed to help me.

I struggled on until I was prescribed antidepressents at which point I gave up trying, and me and DS (age 2) left.

Life is so much better now. Easier, better organised, less stressful, happier. The sad thing was when we moved into our flat, ds didn't even notice ex wasn't there, he had so little involvement.

Bizarrely, DS now sees his dad more than when we all lived together, because ex has to make the effort to come and see him. He manages a huge 6 hours a week (!) but it's better than it was.

There comes a point, you have to make a decision. A lot of men are just crap dads, selfish, thoughtless and lazy.

But if you are going to leave, the sooner you do it, the less impact it will have on your dcs. Good luck.

This is excellent advice.

I'd also suggest counselling as he isn't hearing you.

Further to the earlier message, just saw your latest post. Life with 4 year old and 19th months old is HARD. Get Why Women Talk and Men Walk book and show him the chapter Why Women Leave.