How to deal with always being second to in laws?

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In laws can do no wrong. I'm not allowed to disagree with anything they say or do otherwise I'm being mean and ungrateful.

They're lovely and I'm lucky I have a good relationship with them but they're not perfect just like nobody is. They're heavily involved in our lives and with the kids but if they do things I don't agree with I just have to bite my tongue otherwise DH instantly goes on the defense. He can't handle even the tiniest criticism about their actions, even if I approach it as sensitively as possible. The only thing I've had issues with are actions that have directly affected our kids or home but I'm still in the wrong.

So fed up, tempted to boot him out to go live with them...has anyone dealt with something similar and managed to find a resolution?

They do not seem lovely at all so why did you write that they are lovely?. I don’t think this relationship is at all healthy for you. Would you tolerate this from a friend?. These people are no different.

There has to be boundaries here. If she criticises you you do not have to take that. She does not get a hall pass to be a bully because she’s his mother. You will not get her approval anyway so stop seeking it.

Your husband grew up seeing all this from them so regards their behaviour as normal. His inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you and he is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re them too. He needs therapy re his parents. Does his other say rude things about him as well?

Can you personally dial back on the level of involvement they have in your lives?. If your man has been emotionally harmed like this it’s highly likely they will treat your children in not too dissimilar ways either.

I had this, always felt second best. I’m now divorced and this was one of the main reasons

So, we need more detail, really, OP?

I have had the sameish thing. My husband hero worshipped his parents and I always found it a massive turn off that he would behave like a simpering, subservient little child with them and I was definitely second best. I thought my in laws were lovely, until I realised my FIL wasn't the patriarch as I had viewed him, he was in fact an abusive domineering bully that everyone had to appease. It took me decades to identify this though, so are you sure your in laws are lovely? Mine also used to do lovely things like look after the pets while we went away, pay for us all to go out for a meal etc but I bitterly regret not refusing to spend time with them any more at some point before my FIL died, which was quite recent, so the problem finally sorted itself in that way.