12 years together and now he's a gambling addict!

[CarryOnRewardless]

I met my husband in 2012 and we got married in 2018 and have a 10 year old child; we have always had different attitudes to money, for example I save for things whereas it wouldn't bother him to put something on a credit card or run up an overdraft

In my opinion he has an addictive personality type and for the last year he has been a gambling addict, playing online games on his phone so he doesn't even have to leave the house - at its height last year he was gambling away £600-£800 a month!

This only started after we'd been together 11 years! Mid 30's and suddenly became a gambling addict

At this point I took over all the finances and all his money went into my account (we do not have a joint bank account - the only joint account is the mortgage)
He also went onto Gamstop and barred himself for 5 years.

He was doing well but has discovered there are ways of gambling using foreign websites where you can bypass the gamstop ban and carry on playing online games.
Yesterday while I was at work he asked my to transfer him £40 (which I did as I thought he was going to the supermarket) I have since found out he gambled it away!

This has started making me feel anxious, worried and annoyed (we could have taken our son out with 40 quid or gone wild and spent it on food/petrol!)

There is a reason why I am currently unable to LTB, so with that in mind how would you manage finances going forward?

My first thought is for me to keep his half of the bills and food and transfer the rest to him, telling him he has to buy his own petrol etc. The worry there is he'll blow all his spare money gambling and wont be able to buy petrol so he'll then just keep asking me for money which will just stress me out (he's self-employed and if doesn't work he doesn't get paid)

Or keep all the money as now and say no whenever he asks for any for gambling? That sounds stressful as well as he'll just keep on and say "Its my money" (well no my opinion is if it all goes into one pot its family money and I don't agree with what he's spending on!)

I know the general mumsnet view is as we're married all money should be shared but appreciate all advice!

Blimey that was long well done if you got to the end

Eeks, I thought of all the nice things I could buy for £600 per month!

Does he admit there's a problem? There are gambling help organisations.

You asked specifically about financials, it sounds best if you hold onto everything related to house and petrol for now until it's a bit clearer. You shouldn't have to but he's unreliable and will blow through it

Good luck.

Could you give him petrol money in cash? Or would he just take that to bookies?

I just had a Google and it looks like you can get a petrol card restricted to fuel use only.

I could give cash he doesn't go in betting shops, its on his phone.

But if I have all the money he'll ask me to transfer him money for gambling

Op speaking from some experience, I think first and foremost your partner needs to get real help for his addiction, there are some services offered by the NHS but it does depend where you live I think, you will need to Google it or speak to the relevant charities to get the current pathway to help. I wish it was simple as cutting their money or making him do this or do that but unfortunately if the person is determined they will find away but there are some additional things that can be done, I recommend also blocking gambling transactions on his card , you can usually do this on the banking app or online banking, I would also lower any cash withdrawal daily limits, I know it sounds ott but its a good thing to do. Can i also suggest, Keep talking to him, give him a safe space to speak to you. believe me, that does help in the long run, I'm not going to tell you to LTB op. I don't think he's a trying to be a Barstard but will you be hurt by this... yes absolutely... is it a long road.. yes... but there is hope and you can get to the other side but that's not to say you need to support him, it's more then fair for you to put yourself first as well... but if you are able to and you have the mental capacity, I do recommend giving him some support. What ever that is to you and what you are comfortable with.

Also speaking from experience I’d keep your finances as separate as possible, and be very explicit that you need to do this to keep the family interests safer. Controlling the finances is a big undertaking and fraught with stress. But definitely better than leaving him with cash.

I’d echo the previous poster on encouraging him to seek support, and also encourage you to get support for yourself too.

The gambler in my life has gamstop, has registered with Sense, we have a weekly account check, I have his banking app on my phone, we do a monthly credit report on his details with two different reporting sites (not all debts come up on all sites - one of the debts he took out in secret has never showed up on one report…)
He has no bank cards so it’s hard to get cash out. But this was all done with his agreement as he’s stopped gambling at least for now. In the past it didn’t go so well as he was still gambling/wanting to.

There will one one-to-one support available for you both in your area - call Gamcare’s national helpline and they’ll refer you. There are groups for affected others too - Gamcare have an excellent online one for women (also referred via their helpline)

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Having said that, lots of organisations offer plenty of advice on how to support the gambler in your life, as they’re set up to primarily look out for gamblers’ interests, and barely mention your own needs. Don’t let that make you feel like it’s not ok to put yourself and your child first if that’s what you need to do. It’s a tough gig for you. I hope things improve. Look after yourself as much as you can, and get ALL the support.

(Sorry, nearly as long as your original post 😆)

How are you getting on?
I'm in the same situation.
Did he change? Has your situation changed? Hes admitted his problem twice in the last 5 years and he has relapsed again, this time he's in denial but, won't show me his bank statements.
Sending love, what a s**t way to live!

I left a gambling addict. Best thing I did. He won’t change, and he will bleed you and your child dry. You will run yourself down trying to “manage” him. Don’t!

Why can you not leave him? You need full financial separation. Get your name off anything shared, as he will create debts after you separate and you don’t want your credit file ruining like mine was (years after I left!)

Did you still love him when you left?

Crazy, because there's nothing but a fantasy of him left. Why do we hold on?.I cant believe they can do this to their family without a second thought.

So sorry you went through this too.

@Kaya10000 i did yes… but I started to realise that there would be nothing of me left if I didn’t save myself. I can still remember leaving with my car full of stuff (that’s all I took) and it was heart wrenching and terrifying …. But now, years later, I am happily married to a non-addict, financially secure and don’t have to worry about shit like that. I honestly shudder to imagine what my life would be like now had I not left.

Gambling addiction is like any other addiction.

Thank you all. Yes he’s still gambling but not as much as he used to as he doesn’t have as much money now.
Ive separated the finances now and he blows all his.
Unfortunately I can’t get rid yet as I do shift work and my son isn’t old enough yet to be left on his own.
My family live 2 hours away in the Midlands and currently I’m thinking of relocating up there when my son is done with school
The thought of spending my retirement with this loser and skint fills me with dread.
Sorry if that sounds harsh

"Unfortunately I can’t get rid yet as I do shift work and my son isn’t old enough yet to be left on his own".

But it could be said your above reasons are really not a basis to stay with your gambler.

By the time another five or so years has passed you will be in the exact same position as you are now along with further normalising this for your son and you. With all this hanging around over his head at home (as well as seeing your reactions both spoken and unspoken to your man's gambling) he may well go onto find it so stressful that he messes up his education and or exams entirely. The environment at home is not a peaceful one.

Gambling ruins lives and families. I would urge you to make a clean break sooner rather than later and certainly not five years from now or when he leaves school. You are married to this man and have rights in law Your man could certainly leave you in dire straits financially in future and he is still gambling; there is no off switch and what you know could also be the tip of a bloody great iceberg. Have you checked your credit files recently?. You're basically propping him up now and enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

Your son is learning from the two of you how relationships are conducted; what lessons are you both teaching him here?.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. You wrote your initial post last June and nothing really has changed.

These are not reasons to stay with him, you can move closer to family and look for a new job right now.

Having your son exposed to a dad with an addiction is more harmful than leaving imo.

In my experience it can only work if the gambler is really committed to stopping. Mine did, he did everything needed, and many years on he is still not gambling. We did break up, though, but not for a few years afterwards.

Attend GA meetings. Relinquish all control of money. Open up to friends and family about it. Those were my 'demands' if you like. He did everything. It wasn't enough for us as a couple but he dealt with the gambling and as far as I know never has again. But he was very relieved to have been found out, it meant he could stop. This was several tens of thousands of pounds down the line.

Without the commitment to stopping, I don't see how this can work. Speak to HR, can you change your shifts? Your son is 10, is he year 5 or year 6? Do your friends know - real life support saved me (as well as MN tbh).

O please, do you think she hasn't thought about obvious options you suggested? She's not stupid.
It sounds easy on paper but in real life people can't always just move or change a job and if they do it can in fact create worse consequences for their child then staying in relationship.
That doesn't mean circumstances won't change and ofcourse she should prepare to separate but when people say they can't leave right now just trust them as they probably know more about their situation then you.