I need your advice and support

[Donnat84]

Sorry long one 😬

I was seeing my partner for nearly two years. He has always been bad with communication , he would go three days, then seven days with out contacting me, I spoke to him several times about this. He knew it would upset me. He would
often not turn when he said he would, he planned to spend Christmas with me and my children, he didn’t turn up for over a week. I would wash his stuff, clean his boots, lend him money if he needed it. I cooked him dinner one night and he threw it in the bin, he didn’t like the noodles.
Anyway, he was sent away for just over a month, the first weeks I had no contact as he genuinely had no signal, when he got signal he he hardly spoke to me, I called he didn’t picked up one call, I txt he would hardly answer, I also noticed that he added a woman on instagram, not the first time, spoken to him about that as well. When he got back he sent me a few videos and then sent me some pics of his holiday, I txt and said, “wonderful memories “ GONE, two weeks without a word. I then received money into my account, no txt no nothing, I braved it and said I will send the money back, he said keep it, he apologised for his behaviour, told me he regretted being so lazy and that he would call me later, he sent me another stupid Facebook reel on the Sunday, HES GONE AGAIN, three weeks. When he went away he took some of my stuff with him, stuff he knows I need and use a lot.
Am I in the wrong for not responding to a Facebook reel? I’m so fed up and I wanted to walk away quietly because I’m tired of this behaviour, I feel like I’ve ghosted him and I’m in the wrong. The thing is i stupidly love this man but don’t want to be treated like crap anymore.my ex husband emotionally abused me, he knew about this. I feel so low about all of this today. I don’t know if he’s angry with me about the money, that I didn’t say anything else, I don’t know if I want him back but my head and heart are in a fierce battle. He deletes people from instagram but keeps me there. Why would he do that??? I feel like I’m 18 again, I’m confused, hurt, I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable. I’m all over the place, I just want to reach out to him but at the same time I know I deserve better. Am I in the wrong ???? Should I reach out???? Should I apologise? Tell me the truth, tell me if I’ve been wrong or tell me to wind my neck in and walk away

Honestly, he's not your boyfriend.

Boyfriends don't just vanish for weeks at a time.

He's just some guy that's been using you for sex, money and whatever else he can get.

Block him on everything and have done with it.

Stay single until you love yourself. Because if you even remotely liked yourself, you epuldnt have stated with this loser past the second shitty thing he did.

This man is not your partner, he's not your boyfriend, and he sure as fuck isn't your friend. Sadly, you're not a friend to yourself, either. You do not love this man, I promise you you don't. I am positive that you don't have any idea what a real, healthy relationship looks like. He is taking advantage of you because you allow it, and the same goes for how horribly he treats you. How many times are you going to go through this absolute bullshit? Block him on everything,never look back and invest in therapy for yourself to help you understand why you keep choosing abusive men.

I'm sorry OP but the sooner you realise you are in another abusive relationship the better. Actually, you aren't in a relationship at all but you are allowing yourself to be treated abominally. Why?

I would wash his stuff, clean his boots, lend him money if he needed it. I cooked him dinner
^^ That is why he hung around, plus the sex. He had everything he wanted including the freedom to do what he wanted, when he wanted. No consequences.

I suggest you get rid of this horrible man and do the Freedom Programme. Once you have been in an abusive relationship you tend to go straight into another, which you have done. Now you need to figure out why you value yourself (and your children) so little. Use his money for therapy on yourself

I’m sorry op but this isn’t a relationship and he isn’t your partner, he’s using you. Disappearing and no contact is awful but taking your stuff with him is even worse.

Personally I wouldn’t contact him again, I wouldn’t reply to a stupid Facebook reel and would wait for him to next get in touch to demand your things back, then I would block him.

You don’t deserve this! Part of me would want to question what he’s doing when he’s away but there’s no point, a real happy relationship isn’t going to come from this, he isn’t going to be the man you want him to be so it’s time to move on and focus on you!

Theres literally no point forcing it. Hes not interested and theres nothing normal about not knowing if and when youll hear. With mobiles to hand there should be daily communication unless work etc doesnt allow it.
It is weird thinking of you to send a reel and not bothering to ask how you are etc. Sounds like its just not happening. I would suggest a conversation to end it unless xyz.

As for the instagram adds. Its a grey area. Mostly though if theres a woman in your partners life you dont know about and you dont feel you can say whos so and so? Thats another sign you are not communicating on a healthy level. Ive been there myself. It breaks the trust.

Why on earth would you feel bad about ghosting him when he's continuously disappearing for WEEKS at a time??

There are few situations where ghosting is the appropriate course of action but this is most definitely one of them.

I second another PP's suggestion to do the Freedom Programme. It seems that you're not very able to recognise red flags, and it's extremely concerning that even in this situation, you believe you might be the one in the wrong. Abusers have a real talent for treating a person like shit and making them believe they're in the wrong, and you need to learn to see through that.