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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How should I behave with my in laws

11 replies

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 00:08

So I’m currently resenting life with my in laws. I am Pakistani and live with my in laws. I found some things difficult to begin with such as my MIL would always make a comment when I was going to my parents house, yes I go regularly, but it is my choice and my husband has no issue. Then she also wouldn’t want my husband to go out to eat to watch his weight, which I found unfair as a couple, so we would sneakily do this, I didn’t say anything to my husband at the time but I did feel like she shouldn’t be doing this. She likes to be in charge in the house. She did want me to do cooking too though at the start I didn’t know many dishes, but her and my SIL are picky was I didn’t want to. Anyway she does the cooking in the house. I now also have a child and who she does a lot with. But she was overbearing at the start and because I stood my ground she got offended and upset. She still gets offended if something is said to her, she thinks she has experience, which I agree with but I’m not obligated do to what she wants though I do often times, because in Islam the right to choose what to do is given to parents not grandparents. She is too culturally traditional. She wants me to do a lot more with my in laws than my family. I stopped working and she keeps advising me to do some work etc, though I do plan on working but from home and I didn’t take much maternity time, I also lost a parent just before going to work so I wanted a break. I just feel life here is without much privacy, though I have had help and at times help I’ve not needed, I do feel like I’ve missed moments in my child’s life because of over involvement. I’ve had a few arguments with her since my son was born, I am able to see when I have been rude but she can’t see anything she does at all.

OP posts:
OnionPond · 24/06/2024 00:10

OP, get this moved to the Relationships’ board by reporting your post and asking for it to be moved.

SighingMum23 · 24/06/2024 00:14

It is the right of a woman in Islam to have her own home. I think you are struggling to live with your in laws. Why haven't you moved out?

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 00:35

Yes it is, I am planning to, we just have many delays in our house, also I think my husband feels obligated to look after his family as the only som

OP posts:
heartbroken22 · 24/06/2024 00:41

A lot of this will improve once you move out. Let him be a son but you don't need to get involved in her care.

It's takes a toll on you mentally. If you go on TikTok there's a lady called happy paradise and she speaks about these experiences which are helpful. She's having a free session with a therapist for brown women on Wednesday all you need to do is sign up. I honestly feel for you. Is there a way you can avoid her by knowing what time she is in the kitchen or wherever? Could you take your child out to toddler groups locally that are usually free? Honestly you don't have to work if you don't want to. I know a lot of them are greedy like that. Put yourself first, try to stay polite and avoid conflict because it can escalate, but make sure you're assertive too.

TheShellBeach · 24/06/2024 00:50

OP there is a Muslim Board on here. You might get more advice if you post on there.

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:00

I think the reason she wants me to work is because right now there is a lot of pressure on her son. But it was very difficult for me to work, do night feedings and mourn the loss of a parent. I think I didn’t make space for my self from the start. I am too accommodating but now I feel suffocated. I do want a good relationship though but I really wish I was already living separate. The problem is eventually she will be with us because she is a single parent

OP posts:
seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:16

For the most part I am polite although I have had a few arguments about 3/4 in about 14 months. But I don’t say too many things during the argument when I disagree on points just a couple of things, so not to escalate the matter

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 24/06/2024 12:42

seemi23 · 24/06/2024 01:16

For the most part I am polite although I have had a few arguments about 3/4 in about 14 months. But I don’t say too many things during the argument when I disagree on points just a couple of things, so not to escalate the matter

It sounds like you're treading on eggshells around them, which isn't healthy for you.
Can you move out and get away from them?

Nocturna · 24/06/2024 13:52

You need to move out now whilst you can. Realistically in your culture, the likelihood is that she will come to live with you further down the line, but by then you will be established in your family and routines. The dynamic would shift. At the moment, it is her house/rules and the dynamic is in her favour

seemi23 · 27/06/2024 01:39

@Nocturna yes I agree I think that will be the cas. We have bought a property just some work being done but she doesn’t want to move in with us at least for now I think one of the reasons is that she knows that is our house and not hers

OP posts:
GreekGod · 27/06/2024 02:20

I voted that I definitely agree with you - can't see how anyone can vote anything else. First, my condolences on losing a parent - that's really hard and I feel for you. As hot headed mediterraneans, we are quite culturally traditional also but this sounds very difficult to me and like hell. Interfering MIL are the worst. My focus would be on getting financial independence (I would get a job outside of the home - anything, just to get out) and then move out with your DH asap. Put yourself first. It will also be a marriage test to see if your DH supports you through this difficult time. Re delays with your house- we were without a kitchen for a year but just left as had to move out from my in laws, where we were and to be honest, it was heaven and the best years - we cooked on a small grill and ate cup a soup for a year Good luck.

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