Separation, not married, 2 children & 4 properties, please help.

[purplegardens]

I'm so sorry if a waffle but I honestly do not think I can do it anymore. I have no support, no family near by, just my toxic inlaws and I'm at my wits end with my partner.

We have been together for 11 years, cultural marriage not recognised in the UK, we didn't register the marriage.

We have two children 7 and 5. Both settled in school.

We jointly own our home worth £400k, equity of £200k in the house. The money to buy this house came from our previous home which was just in my name, previous home I paid deposit of 30k.

We have 3 rental properties together. One in DPs name which he has had for 15 years and 2 in my name which we have had for a couple of years, all worth around £100k.

I earn £80k, DP is self employed, and earns around £40k. He manages the rental homes which bring in another £1.5k per month.

I thinkDP has mental health issues, I have supported him as much as I can, asked him to go to the doctors. Deep down he is a good person, helps around the house but recently been too eratic with his emotions, one minute I'm at fault for everything, next minute he loves me to death. He has closed off all his friends, he doesn't like them anymore for some reason. He barely sees his family. If I go to get some space and visit his family then I need to decide with him although hes previously said he wants me to spend more time with his family.

He did start taking something for a hormone imbalance but ordered it himself online. I shared my concerns and he stopped taking it and how his mood is off again and now its all my fault again.

He doesn't see that the life we have built we did together but for some reason he is always unhappy with something and it's affecting my children now, especially my eldest.

I think becoming a parent has been hard for DP but who isn't it hard for? I thrive in motherhood. He loves spending time with DCs but lately its all been a bit much for him. I have asked him to spend time with friends, as well being is important but he says he only wants to spend time with me and his children. I feel so trapped. If I take children out I feel like i need to rush home to have our family dinner together.

DP used to be so happy go lucky and I feel like I've lost everything. I now need to think what is best for my children. They love their dad but eldest lately has also said he seems different. Also to clarify there is no other woman, sometimes I wish there would be so he can find something to make him happy.

So what do I do? Fix this somehow for the kids? If we separate does he take half of everything because I am a higher earner? I'm not sure what to do or how I even ask him if he wants to part ways. I think he likes the thought of a stable family at home but I just find him too controlling now.

No advice OP but you might be as well posting on the 'legal matters' board too 🤞🏻

You're not legally married. What's in your name is yours, what's in his name is his. Get a managing agent in for the properties that are in your name alone and stop him from managing them. Seek legal advice.

But remember, you're NOT married.

You're not married. He has no legal claim on anything in your name, including properties and pensions.

As others have said, you're not married. He certainly doesn't automatically get half of everything just because you earn more!
Get some legal advice and your ducks in a row. Sell the house that you own jointly and get an agent managing your two homes that are in your name. Put a claim in for child maintenance, assuming you don't do 50/50 with the children.

What if he refuses to sell? What if he refuses to separate? I'm so scared

@purplegardens this is why you need legal advice and to know exactly what your rights are. He can't refuse to separate but he could make it very difficult.

I think he will make it difficult. Just tried to have a conversation with him and he all he says is 'this is how we live now' and just blaming everything on me.

Well woman up and put your big girl knickers on, for the sake of your children and yourself.

What sort of solicitor do I contact? Do I leave with the kids? Do I ask him to leave? Eat if he refuses to?

Kids have school and are settled, I hate living in this town anyways.

We are Asian also so family get involved and always try and mediate these situations. I'm scared I'll be stuck in a trap forever.

What is in your name is yours. Houses, pensions, savings. If you have joint bank accounts then take half and remove your name from them.

Joint house - did you have your deposit ring fenced? What was the legal contract between you when you bought it? If it says 50/50 of any equity then you get half. You might need a court order to sell, or get his agreement to buy his share/him buy yours.

He can refuse all he wants but legally you can separate if you want, and you can sell the house if you want. However speak to a solicitor to find out how to do it. Don't forget you can claim cms if the children reside with you.

Remember, if he wanted to put you and the children first he would have sought the help of a GP - not buy possibly unregulated stuff off the Internet.

Are you intending to live somewhere else or do you want to try and buy him out of the family home?

The rentals all sound easy enough as they’re wholly owned so you keep two, he keeps the one in his name. There’s nothing he can do about that afaik, although I’m not a lawyer.

The family house will be treated as if you’ve both bought a business together. You’ll be entitled to half the equity. I don’t think, unless you ring-fenced it when you purchased the property, that you’re likely to be able to retain your initial deposit - it’s just lumped in with the equity.

If he makes things awkward, eg by not allowing people in to view, or not signing paperwork to complete on an agreed sale, then you’ll have to go to a civil court for an order that compels him to sell up.

If you’re intending to move somewhere else in the country (eg back towards your family) then he could potentially try for a prohibited steps order to prevent you moving them. That would be unlikely to be successful as long as you’re not relocating abroad. But it could cost you money to fight it (and him to bring it to court).

You might want to move half of any joint savings into your own account(s) at this stage too. If he gets there first, and it’s a joint account in both your names, then there’d be nothing to prevent him taking it all out.

I am probably from a similar background OP - you have to put your foot down and NOT LET the parents "mediate". If you decide you are separating, then he has to go along with it. Put your kids first - if it is affecting them I would get out, though only you can decide. Then you need to get factual.
You aren't married so the rules on splitting of marital assets don't apply, as others have said. You can't be "stuck in a trap" because YOU get to decide and then he (and any family) will have to live with it.

Thank you all.

He says I have made him this way. Then I said you always have someone to blame for your problems.

Savings all went onto doing this house up. The savings for the last 3 years each year we split into ISAs and bongs for kids ,one for him and one for me and rest for kids. So that fine in that area.

It's just this house and the disruption it will cause the kids.

Rental houses the tenants contact him all the time for all matters so I guess that would need to transition too.

I'm worried I may have made him this way? He said he doesn't see his friends because of me but all now also have kids and everyone's busy. The ones I know if I encourage him to spend time with but he doesn't like them now, again because they are busy with their own lives.

I also don't think I can handle sharing custody of kids.

What happens in the children department?

He says I have made him this way.
Really? What a big, emotionally abusive baby you have there. No, he is an adult and can call his GP for help. This is NOT on you.

I also don't think I can handle sharing custody of kids.
Yes you can. You would be doing this for your children's mental and emotional welfare. You think he won't try and manipulate and control them too? Your own words are below:

it's affecting my children now, especially my eldest.
but I just find him too controlling now.

Well yea exactly that, I am scared of the sharing. Could I just not keep them? I can't bare the thought of having a day without them.

What happens if the family turn up and ask what's happening?

I get on with one of my sisterinlaws have confided with her in the past. She said her husband (DPs brother) was the same and she just lived with it and they just got old.

You refuse to discuss - closing down the discussion is the only way.
You need to get to a place where you are strong in your decision.

Can someone please advise what would happen to the children in this situation? Do we have to split the time between us?

I will repost on legal too.

Abusive men aside you'd usually start by having a conversation with their Dad to see what he wants and if you can you can agree on that. Failing that mediation and then court if you still cant agree to sort child arrangements. If you both want majority care or he wants 50/50 and you want more than that it will be up to the court to work out what is best for your DC. They will consider the best interests of your children and unless your DP is abusive and you can prove it isn't in your children's best interest to do so it's likely if he wants 50/50 he'll be able to get it in court. That depends on what he wants though and if he's willing to fight for it. Im not sure exactly what you mean by split their time, they will definitely spend overnights with him every week if he wants that, anything from EOW to 50/50 could be on the table.

He isn't physically abusive but perhaps emotionally, he barely engages with them. They crave his attention and he can't even put his phone down. I do not want my children in that environment alone.

You have to change your thinking slightly.

Stay with him and the children have a 100% chance of being mentally and emotionally abused by him. They already are.
Separate from him, and at the bare minimum of 50/50 they will have 50% chance of being in a nurturing and safe environment (with you).

Do you really think he will have them 50% where he has to wash their clothes, shop and cook for them, put them to bed, take to/pick up from school? He might try in the beginning but it won't last - unless he enlists his parents help in which case (hopefully) they can help protect the children mentally and emotionally too.

Leaving is the lesser evil.

EDIT - how old is the eldest? After a certain age their visitation wishes are taken into account.

yes exactly this AutumnFroglets.
A neglectful parent may ultimately not want to see the children 50 per cent of the time.

7 but very mature.

Whole family a lazy to be honest.