Said he’s with me because he feels sorry for me

[Erica93]

We have a 3 year old together and I’m a sahm, not married. I’ve given all my time and energy into our child so I feel I’ve not had a moment to myself. I’d love to go back to the gym or do some hobby. I feel since having our child my partner just doesn’t fancy / respect / want me. I feel before having baby I was working, had a social life, was fit and healthy he actually liked me. We’ve argued a lot and tonight he’s told me he feels sorry for me. He keeps saying he’s going to leave then when I say go then, he stays. His reason for staying is because he feels sorry for me. That I’ve got no one and he feels bad leaving me. Now he won’t talk about and I just feel in limbo. Any advice ?

He sounds vile

Practically I would advise to go back to work and get some life back, I think 3 year olds get an amount of free hours childcare a week? (My son is 10 now so probably has changed since he was in nursery)

What is your housing/financial situation like?

You know the answer, get a job and go back to work, then when you are financially stable make a decision. Stop financially relying on someone who pities you.

Is it true, do you have no one?

Definitely get back into work - you’re so vulnerable right now. And it does give you a break.

Can you look for a job on the evenings or days he isn't working so he can do childcare, is toddler at nursery, that would give you some time to yourself to work or find a hobby. If he wants to leave then let him, do you rent or own your home. Don't worry about him, do what's right for you.

Don’t get an evening job or try and work around his schedule. Set yourself up in a way that you can afford to live on your own and pay for half of your child's costs. You are not married, he has said he wants to leave, you have nobody else, you need to be self-reliant. It’s honestly so, so important.

Imo that is cruel! He either wants to be with you or not, but this sounds either like a threat to control you or a way to shake your confidence.

What are your options if you split @Erica93 ?

It's not your job to do all the childcare (for free). You need to get back out there and split the childcare. But for your own sanity and esteem, you could easily end up completely trapped in an abusive relationship.

He doesn’t want to be with you or care about you or respect you. He’s not staying because he feels sorry for you though, he’s staying because it’s better for him in some way - because separation is hard, people will think badly of him, whatever the reason.

Saying he’s staying because he feels sorry for you is such a dick move. Making out like he’s a good person and you’re a loser. Don’t let him do that to you. Make getting a job a priority, he will have to pay towards childcare. You can’t rely on this man, time to rely on yourself and get yourself in to a good position financially.

Threatening to leave is a control tactic. It's to get you to do what he wants.
He doesn't really feel sorry for you, he's actually using you and saying he feels sorry for you to damage your self esteem. He doesn't want you to have a life of your own. He wants you under his thumb.
What a bastard.

He doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay and use you for sex, food, washing and his own entertainment while he ties you in knots and makes it so you're greatful that today he hasn't threatened to leave. While you forget what a dickhead he is.

End it.

Good god, he’s low.

Even if you have no-one (well, you have your child), that’s got to be better than putting up with a manipulative bastard.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this, been on MN since the beginning. LTB. You’re worth so much more than this.

He doesn't feel sorry for you. That's just manipulation to make you feel indebted to him for staying with you.

He recognises that you are a capable mother and partner and by making nasty comments, and hopes to keep you down and feeling low so that you won't dump him.

He's an absolute creep.

Go back to work. It is very ill-advised to be an unmarried sahm.

OP this is said with utter kindness but you have made yourself extremely vulnerable. You need to get a job and some financial independence, stop devoting every waking hour to your child and nurture relationships with friends and family.

What your partner is doing is an abusive tactic to keep you in your place. He can do this because you're so vulnerable so start doing something for you. You'll get childcare hours so use them and start building yourself up.