Did they spike me?

[Lost03]

Hi everyone,

I have a question about my former relationship. I'm in my 20s and inexperienced with relationships, and I'm not sure if this was okay or not. This happened a few times, but I'll give a specific example so you can see what I mean.

One summer me and my long term partner were on a short get away in the UK with his family and our 8 month old puppy. I'm not a big drinker (very happy to have one or two but don't like feeling drunk due to previous trauma). I was going to stay relatively sober to look after our puppy while my partner and his family had as much as they wanted. The thing was, I was drinking what I thought were single measures (as I had explicitly asked for), but I became a lot more drunk than I expected to be. My partner later told me that him and his family had been ordering me double or even triple measures to 'loosen me up', without telling me.

Was this wrong? Or am I being too uptight? In any other situation I'd see this as spiking someone, but I'm not sure if this is just a joke amongst family and something people do.

Not to drip feed, there were other issues in our relationship, not just this.

I wouldn't class it as being spiked, but it's definitely a horrible thing to do to someone. Sounds like this person had zero respect for your boundaries.

We usually associate spiking with drugs, but yes, this was spiking, in the same way it would be if someone asked for a Coke in a pub and someone added vodka to it. You didn't consent to the extra alcohol.

I'm so glad that relationship has ended and I'm not surprised there were other problems, too. Did anything happen when you were drunk that night? Did your partner push your boundaries?

Yes it is. You didn’t consent to the extra alcohol

It’s a massive boundary violation. You can split hairs about the exact meaning of spiking, but I wouldn’t be tolerant of this, or of a partner who would allow this to happen.

Alcohol without consent is spiking.

It didn't only mean drugs.

So yes, he did.

That's a really horrible thing to do to someone. Yes I would say it's a form of spiking. They tricked you into drinking an amount you wouldn't have consented to. I love a drink or three myself but I would never consider it acceptable to "make" someone drink more than they wanted to.

A friend of mine is a bit inclined to think people need "loosening up" with alcohol. She doesn't spike them but is vocal about encouraging them "not to be boring" and keeps topping them up. The last time it happened the poor woman (girlfriend of her husband's friend) ended up being sick and falling asleep. I made clear to friend that she was out of order and I think she was quite shocked as she's one of those "life and soul of the party" types.

@Lost03

My partner later told me that him and his family had been ordering me double or even triple measures to 'loosen me up', without telling me.

This is really disgusting behaviour. Getting you drunk/introducing more alcohol into your bloodstream than you thought you were taking in?

Would anyone who really cares for you do this, do you think? 🌹

Thank you everyone for your responses. I wasn't expecting it to be so unanimous. My ex-partner and some of his family members were heavy drinkers (he wet himself/passed out on several occasions), so I think my understanding of what's normal/not normal is a bit skewed.

@MILTOBE He didn't sexually assault me or anything, if that's what you mean. But I think there was sexual coercion within our relationship. He would go on about specific sex acts he knew I didn't want to do until I gave in (telling me everyone does it, it's important to him, sending me articles and gifs etc). I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault so it felt particularly cruel. I left because he started losing his temper whilst drunk and I was scared of him.

God thank heavens you're out of all that, it sounds horrific.

It's a shit trick, I think some people think they're doing you a favour but if someone is watching how much they drink there's usually a very good reason for it.

Totally unacceptable, especially given your past trauma. You should be able to trust your partner of all people with this sort of thing. Without that trust, what do you have?

Good on you for leaving btw x