Bit disappointed in new friendship

[Forestandtrees]

Just wanted a handhold, really.

I don't have a lot of close friends, and In January I met a woman at a hobby group who was fun and easy to talk to. She suggested getting together, and since then we've had a number of what she likes to call "adventures," - lunches, talks, exhibits, etc. We always say what a great time we have together. Last time was particularly fun and warm, and she hugged me at the end. It seemed genuine.

Afterward, we emailed about our next outing, and on Monday I sent her a suggestion. It's Sunday, and I haven't heard anything.

She has some serious health problems - she's post-lung cancer, has emphysema, and has had a series of eye infections which put her at risk of losing an eye. Last time I didn't hear from her, I texted, "Hi, just checking in," and she replied that she was in the waiting room for her 7th corneal transplant. She was due for her 6-month lung scan this month, and I'm worried.

I accept that in some ways the friendship will necessarily be one-sided because while I have minor health issues (and today I have miserable toothache from a cracked tooth!), they're under control and not life-changing.

But I wish that she would let me know if she was having an immediate health issue, because I don't want to be a bad friend and stand on ceremony about contacting her, but at the same time I don't want to be intrusive. And maybe her warmth is not sincere, and the friendship means more to me than it does to her. Or, when she has health issues, she's so overwhelmed that the friendship is forgotten.

I think it's better to just let her come to me when and if she's ready, even though I would like to know if there's something going on. I just have to accept her way of handling things.

Thanks for listening.

Give her a break, she's got a lot going on and probably doesn't have time for you right now. Do you have other friends?

I think you’re right that you need to recognise that she won’t always be available. I think it would be fine to send another message just saying something like, ‘Hi, hope you’re okay, no need to get back to me but just wanted to say I’m here if you need anything’ to let her know you’re still around but without any pressure on her to feel like she needs to respond or feel guilty for not being in touch.

Yeah send this or similar and then leave it until she contacts you. It's very annoying going through something overwhelming and having someone messaging wanting responses, feels like something to add to the neverending to do list.
This doesn't sound personal at all, she has a LOT going on. My mum badgered her ill life long friend recently and the friend ended up blocking her, I told her she was being too intense. People need peace when life gets hard, but to know they have people to call on if they want to.

It's that I'm concerned about her.

It's not that I'm looking for activities.

Ooh feel I have to add something here..your friend is under A LOT of pressure...having a corneal transplant is desperate measures and her 7th one OMG! 😲
fellow eye condition sufferer here...it's very tough to cope with..

Please try to understand 🙏 she's probably NOT trying to push you away..just needs space atm

Atb

This..👍

It's really not that I need her to be available - I have plenty to do.

It's that I care and I would like to know how she is.

But I accept that she wants and needs to do what she has to do in her own way.

It's great to be concerned for her, but her health issues are private. She shouldn't have to immediately check in with you every time she's in hospital or having a procedure. Some people really don't feel like seeing friends when they're in that condition. I've plenty of lovely friends that I wouldn't tell I was in hospital. Partly as I don't want to worry them but also as I know I'm not at my best so won't be great company. I also might simply be feeling too ill and fragile.
Just keep in touch. Once she's better you can meet up. But don't take it personally if she withdraws during medical episodes, lots of people do.

You've not really known her that long - I wouldn't be sharing much about my medical issues with someone I've known 6 months, and mine are much, much milder than your friend - she's going through a lot, I don't think it's very fair to be disappointed tbh

I understand that you care, but equally she may not want to share how she is, when you have poor health having to share updates about it to different friends and family members can be very overwhelming. You are not entitled to always know how she is, if you care then let her know you’re thinking of her and offer support but do so in a way which means she doesn’t need to reply and accept that she might not reply if things are tough right now. Aside from anything else it may be difficult for her to pick up the phone if she is tired or struggling with her eyes and vision etc, I know when my friend was having chemo she often wouldn’t send messages whilst things were at their worst as she was too poorly to do so, often it would be once she was feeling a bit better again she would update me on how bad things had gotten.

@BubziOwlwouldn't be sharing much about my medical issues with someone I've known 6 months.

She's actually shared a great deal about all the medical issues.

But be that as it may, I accept, as I said upthread, that she needs to handle this in her own way.

But I wish that she would let me know if she was having an immediate health issue, because I don't want to be a bad friend and stand on ceremony about contacting her, but at the same time I don't want to be intrusive. And maybe her warmth is not sincere, and the friendship means more to me than it does to her. Or, when she has health issues, she's so overwhelmed that the friendship is forgotten

Jesus! That poor woman. You really are all me me me aren't you? Give her a fucking break

@Bestyearever2024 You really are all me me me aren't you?

Actually not, as it happens.

I accept you mean well, OP, but I you’re risking demanding too much of someone who is, after all, a very new acquaintance/becoming a potential friend. It’s one thing being concerned for her, and her being open about her illnesses when you’re together, but wanting to know upcoming medical appointments/surgeries and to be kept in the loop risks pushing her away. She has a lot going on. I know that even with my closest friends of 25 plus years, I don’t want to be crowded or have to ‘update’.

Or, when she has health issues, she's so overwhelmed that the friendship is forgotten.

I've got some serious health issues and when I'm at my lowest, people outside my immediate family and their messages are forgotten about and unimportant.

Getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other and understanding if you need to get further medical help is about all you can manage.

I've even ignored texts from my mother when I've been really bad, as there was nothing of any importance to respond to.

This woman has a LOT of major health stuff going on. If you consider her a friend, message saying you completely understand if she is busy dealing with stuff but you're there if she needs anything/wants a chat.

That's what friends do.

All's well that ends well. Got a voicemail from friend whilst in a meeting. Since she usually emails, was so worried that she was calling from hospital.

Message said, "I'm so worried about you. You're usually so prompt about getting back. Please let me know if something has happened and if you need me for anything." !!!

Turned out she had sent me an email that I never got! She's fine.

We vowed that if we hadn't heard from the other within our usual intervals we would text, or get through somehow. We confirmed that we would be there for one another if anything happened.

It is a new friendship, but I do think it will be a good one.

Gosh, this all sounds super intense, OP.

Obviously if it's working for both of you, then that's great. I guess it takes all sorts.

The going on adventures thing sounds a bit quirky.

@LonginesPrime I guess it takes all sorts.

Certainly does!

It almost comes across like the start of an intense romantic relationship, rather than a gentle start of a friendship.

rubbish! i could have written this thread, all my friendships are very important

"Message said, "I'm so worried about you. You're usually so prompt about getting back. Please let me know if something has happened and if you need me for anything." !!!"

Sorry OP this is absolutely batshit and intense.