Is he serious?

[Lexin]

I’ve met a man who I’ve been on a few dates with. He’s going through a tough time at work and is navigating a health issue. As a result, I’ve sensed he may not be in the right place for something meaningful, I’ve told him I’m dating around for that, and I wasn’t sure where things could go with us. He replied with the following:

I completely understand that you want something meaningful, and in truth so do I… just hard to express things and commit right now. But I think we’re on a similar page of understanding at least, I love spending time with you and of course I think you’re smart (and stunningly beautiful) so would love to see more of you but I don’t want to lead you along. If you’re okay with seeing how things go I’d be so happy, and I’d love to nurture something with you at a natural pace. So I hope we can try do that but I don’t want to pressure you.

We then spoke on the phone, and I told him, to me, dating is two people getting to know each other then deciding whether to enter into a serious exclusive relationship, and that for me it takes time, and I won’t be committing overnight as I don’t know him well enough. He said he’d like to do that with me.

All fine, but I can’t get the ‘don’t want to lead you on’ comment and how he can’t ’commit right now’ in his message. Obviously it’s early days, but I am wondering now if he’s more of a commitment phobe than dating cautiously like I am.

Any thoughts?

You've only been on a couple of dates so far, so I think discussing commitment is probably a bit premature. Way to early to know if you both want that from each other, so I think his comments are quite reasonable. Just keep seeing each other and getting to know each other for a while longer.

That comment would niggle at me too, if he wants the same as you, why even say that.

OP, trust your instincts on this.

If you've 'got a feeling' that it's his intro to later saying 'I told you I couldn't commit', then 100% trust that instinct.

You've only had a few dates, so get out now if that's your impression.

How were the dates? And how much communication in between. Not sure you are fully on the same page tbh

I think he’s saying that he likes you and wants to see where things go, but with that comment about not committing my assumption would be that he is also seeing others too. If you are fine with that then maybe see how it goes and revisit a conversation about being exclusive a bit further down the line.

But isn't he eventually saying the same as you?

That he wants to get to know you and see how it develops before making a commitment and plans for the future?

You've both said you're looking for something meaningful.

He said he doesn't want to commit 'right now'; you said dating is two people getting to know each other then deciding whether to enter into a serious exclusive relationship, and that for me it takes time, and I won’t be committing overnight as I don’t know him well enough

You've already told him you're going to be dating around until you choose to be exclusive with someone, which im assuming inclides sex and that is what the exclusive bit refers to..

One person's 'cautiously dating' is another person's commitmentphobe.

You can't possibly know whether his intentions towards you are serious at this stage and you've been open that your intentions towards him aren't serious yet.

If its not feeling right, end it but you seem to he saying the same thing using different words. You just don't like the words he's used.

I'm confused...you both seem to agree with each other... it's just casual and not exclusive for now.

His response sounds like he's warning(?) you that he thinks you're more likely to get hurt....?

You've only been on a few dates, you'll never know how genuinely committed someone is going to be at that stage, no matter what they say.

I guess the question really is how long are the health and work issues likely to take to resolve? And what is his relationship history? If you're 'dating around' though then surely it's not a huge issue anyway to just see how it goes.

She's already told him she's going to be dating around. They're saying the same thing but not expressing it in exactly the same way.

He is telling you he wants something casual and happy to casually date.

I don't know if your sleeping with each other? I would be careful with this fish and probably through him back in the water.

He is too heavy

I agree with those saying he’s warning me almost…I really liked him but I’m so scared of being hurt and this has got my back up already. It shouldn’t feel like this.

You’re more into him than he’s into you right now. That might change, so don’t get sad, but protect yourself.

Don’t sleep with him yet. No more anguished emails.

He wants casual dating/casual sex. He won't tell you that because that would rule him out for you, and he wants you as an option. He is telling you what you what you want to hear, but with enough plausible deniability that he can't be accused of leading you on when he eventually tells you he doesn't want a relationship.

Find someone who unequivocally wants the same things you want in the first place, especially the things that are very important to you.

I think you are hugely overthinking things. You have been on a few dates? Things are going well? So what’s the issues? You’re worried further down the line he won’t be able to commit? That he won’t want a more serious relationship? Just enjoy how things are going because you might be the one backing out in a few weeks once his flaws start to show. I would carry on dating him but keep your options open….date other people.

I forgot to add: when I told him I’m not after a quick bunk up, and I don’t want this to be about sex, he said ‘well if you think that’s what I’m after, then I can’t continue’

But my gut feeling is off with him…

and yes I’m dating someone else and likely to be others too. But I quite like this guy.

so I may back away as my instincts are off and I don’t want to waste my time or be hurt.

Some people date to have fun and slowly build up to something more serious over time.

Some people date to find a serious relationship and settle down asap.

(Some just want sex).

It sounds like he’s more in the first camp and you are more in the second.

If you want something more serious, then he’s not going to be the man for you right now.

He wants to keep it casual. If this progresses to relationship, the pace will be glacial but I don’t think he’s actually looking for a relationship in the same sense you are.

Follow your gut….always, it’s usually right.

Im confused!! You’re dating other people but don’t want to be hurt by him?! What if you fall for another guy and hurt him?! Don’t think you’re quite sure what you want!

This is why modern dating is a shambles, with people who think the way you guys do. Truly if you’re going to date someone, it SHOULD be exclusive, even if it’s not reached the committed stage, I don’t understand dating multiple people, especially when intimacy is involved, it’s just icky. If you like someone enough to date them, date them and see where it goes. If you’re dating multiples it just seems superficial to me, and you clearly aren’t into any of them enough that they stand out from the rest. Before all this nonsense with having to have exclusivity chats etc, you’d date, see if you like each other as much as that intital spark over time, and either continue or break up, you’d not have to worry about exclusivity chats or chance of either of you shagging others at the same time, or any of this

You’re dating others and consider there will be more to add to the harem, so I dont get the whole “being hurt” thing