Postpartum marriage issues

[MrsTosh87]

I'm 4 months PP and im struggling with my marriage. DH has always been quite emotionally closed off for as long as I've known him. He was absolutely amazing for the first month when I was recovering from a c section. But as soon as I was able to get up and about (albeit with aches and pains) he's slid back to focusing on himself only. He doesnt clean up after himself, doesn't contemplate that he may need to watch our DD so I can shower/eat. He goes first in all things. Usually I'm able to brush it off as he had to go back to work and im just "lazing about at home". I dont mind being the default parent to DD but even on his days off, he will just let her cry and look to me to sort her out. He won't do anything on initiative, Even asking if he can help me bathe her (I still have some lingering back issues that mean I need assistance for this task) he will acknowledge the request then just carry on with his day not making moves to set up or start bath time. I hate that my body is still not at full function, and that I have to ask for help. But it seems even when I ask, it doesn't process. I'm not the best emotionally and I do recognise that as our landlord wants to sell our property, so we have to vacate the property in the next 2 weeks (we were given the full 2 month notice and have been obviously delusional to think we could find somewhere else to rent, sadly no luck). So we will have to be split up, my parents can only house me and my daughter and he will have to go to his parents. I thought with this extra stress he would be more invested in the time we have together as a family. But it's like im living with a stranger. I have cried, tried talking to him about how I feel. But it feels like it's going nowhere. He is constantly on his phone and doesn't want to go out anywhere or do anything. I appreciate it's a huge change for him also but it seems like im losing him anyway. Part of me is feeling guilty for being happy for some time apart, my parents are early risers and take an active part in our child's life. I'm looking forward to company and for routine. My DH is a nightowl and very much will do things as and when he wants. What can I do?

I think a separation sounds ideal actually
you’re essentially single parenting with an uninterested and disengaged partner
your don’t have PP issues - you have husband issues
Do you WANT to be with him

Enjoy being rid of the pointless man, get the divorce forms filled in and plan your future.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be on my own, my mum says my expectations of him are unreasonable. I also know should I go that route I would never date again, he knows everything about me and there's no judgement from him with my mental health. He just often takes my depression as an attack on him and that leads to tension and long silences. I dont want to deprive DD of a father, but would not be comfortable letting her out of my view for a long while. I try and work on our communication which settles things for a few days. I think things are so high pressure currently. I'll be evaluating things when I'm at my parents and out of the stress. I do love him, I would like him to help out more or be considerate to the fact that I get very few hours in the day where I can look after myself. DD comes first.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, I have experienced similar (7 months PP). I don’t think it’s uncommon having spoken to friends about it and it seems that there are men out there who are quite happy to let the woman do all the hard work when it comes to looking after a baby. It’s disappointing. I know there are also men out there who are brilliant and relish in providing care to their babies and support to their partners. It just seems that you haven’t been lucky to have one of those. The nuclear option is to just sack him off- it’s probably not going to get better and really who wants that type of behaviour in a husband?! However I know it’s not that easy. I’m sorry I don’t have any concrete advice to give that will get him to change his ways but sending virtual support to a stranger and I hope you take some solace in knowing that you’re not alone in this type of situation

What does your mum mean that your expectations of him are too high?!

and he isn’t good about your mental health if he takes it as an attack on him

They’re not postpartum marriage issues, they’re pre-existing issues that you’re now finding more troubling because your baby is your priority and your body is still recovering. You don’t say he’s changed, just reverted to type.

Anyone who sits there while a tiny baby cries because they can’t be arsed to help the baby doesn’t deserve to be a parent. He’s worse than useless.

Go to your parents without a backwards glance.

She says that I can't expect him to mind read what I need him to do. When I have the chance of having a clear mind and can formulate a request it gets forgotten. Also that expecting him to be emotionally available when getting ready for work is too much of an ask. My mum often flip flops between saying i should leave him and that I should be more understanding of him and I knew what I was getting into when I married him. It's just exhausting when I go for a shower in the 5 mins I have free and DD starts crying and I can hear him not going to soothe her, bothers me. She's also teething currently so is often unsettled.

That's sounds awful OP I'm confused as to why he was so good while you were recovering and then did a complete u turn. A couple of thoughts is he viewing this upcoming separation as just that is he getting ready to leave you ? Is there a possibility there is someone else ? Or maybe does he suffer with depression at all ? Either way I think you need to find a way to sit down and get answers from him calmly and also let him know what you need that you can't do everything by yourself . I hope it all works out but if not you would be better off on your own your already doing it all anyway x

Im afraid your mum’s attitude doesn’t sound great either
if Your DH heads your baby crying and you’re in the shower he should go and see to her
that’s not mind reading it’s parenting