Short term ideas for dealing with unsympathetic/cruel DH

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I'm slowly realising that my DH is ruining self esteem and general quality of life with the thoughtless and sometimes cruel things he says, and am slowly trying to get my head around the idea of leaving him and allowing myself to be happy.

He's been having therapy for two years but doesn't seem to be able to behave reasonably when he's experiencing any sort of negative feelings, and there's a lot of very passive aggressive behaviour, sighing a lot, crashing around the house doing jobs that aren't urgent, shouting at us.

He's obsessed with his work to the point where he's petrified of anything that might make it difficult for him to do, and that apparently includes all real life things like kids being difficult, people getting ill, appliances breaking down... anything really. These are all met with the sighing etc.

If I'm anything but fully functional it is made very clear that it is the worst thing that could possibly happen to him, for example if I share that I'm worried about something I have to caveat it with 'I'm ok, but...' because it will, in his words, freak him out and make it impossible for him to be able to function in order to work. Mostly I don't bother.

He follows me around the house if he thinks I should be doing more, if I nip upstairs to pluck my eyebrows or grab a T-shirt or whatever if I've been up more than three minutes he's calling up asking me what I'm doing. The other day he decided that some plants I'd bought had to be put in the garden right now. I said 'ok you can do it if you want but I was going to do it this weekend', but he wanted them in now so off he went. While he was out he came back in around ten times to ask questions 'where do you want them?' 'Is this a weed?' 'Do you want compost added?' 'Shall I put it near the front or the back?' which felt very aggressive at the time and made me really uncomfortable. I said 'Leave them, I will do them myself' but he wouldn't have it.

I felt unwell last night, DS has been unwell, so after I had made dinner (which I had to do sitting down because I felt so shit) and after DCs had gone to bed I said I was going up as I didn't feel great 'Oh BRILLIANT' and a big long sigh as I walked up the stairs.

This morning the kids got up at 6, which was apparently AWFUL, and he has made loads of comments about this week being 'Just an AWFUL week' - which no doubt refers to me and DS being a bit unwell.

I just need some short term strategies for dealing with this stuff because the long term one is formulating slowly. How do I put up with all his dramatic catastrophic language? How can I keep my sense of self? I feel like the most worthless piece of shit on a shoe and I don't know how to get out.

My first thought is you could put the idea in his head that as his life with a family is so AWFUL does he want to go and live alone far away elsewhere, the poor chap. It would be so hard for you and the children but if it would make his life easier you'd make the sacrifice.

That would be a lot quicker than you having to organise the end of the relationship and all that that entails.

Does he behave like this with other people?
Is the therapy he's been having real?

Do you feel safe standing up to him? Ignoring him? Or do you need to dance to his tune to keep you and the children safe?

I really hope your long term plan is divorce. Actually that should be the immediate plan. Sounds miserable living with such a selfish person

If you’re planning to leave you have to make yourself not give a shit about anything he says. Literally picture him as some random stranger and his opinion isn’t important. Give the bare minimum in response, comfort yourself with the fact you won’t have to put up with this forever and spend your time and energy into making plans to leave.

Well I guess good he's going to therapy but it doesn't sound like you feel progress is being made? 2 years is quite a long time.
Have you also considered it? I ask because in some quarters his planting out questions may have seemed helpful,he's doing a job to save you doing it and checking in with you on how you want it doing. We can't tell the tone of voice here so I can equally see how that could be infuriating.

In terms of tactics, it really depends on what you think about the long term. Do you want things to get better between you or are you wanting to leave?

If the former, I'd suggest having a good sit down (or even writing down) how things make you feel. Focus in your feelings rather than his actions. I felt frustrated last week when you planted out the plants because I was tired and I didn't want to think about that and I had made plans to do it at the weekend so that made me stressed to answer all the questions. I feel like you don't listen to me when I ask you to not do something. Etx
Ask him to discuss with his therapist and potentially even have a joint session.

If the latter then you need to focus on practical matters, have you thought about where you'd live, how you'd divide assets etc. There's good advice out there for free to guide. But I'd rip the plaster sooner rather than later. There's no point wasting your life being miserable

Pigeonqueen has given some excellent advice, I think - you put a shield up and accelerate your plans for leaving. The only thing that I would add is that you look after your self esteem by remembering that with those plans, you are going to get what you and your children need.

If you are able to confide in friends or family, that may help you stay strong. x

Can you make your long term plan a mid term one?
And in the short term, can you get therapy for yourself to help you develop some coping mechanisms that don’t make you totally disengaged from your own feelings and sense of self?

My ex used to do the angry performing actions that were not urgent and did not have to be done.

He was also able to to cook angrily, mow the grass angrily and sit at the table angrily while avoiding all eye contact.

Commiserations, it’s exhausting and takes time to heal from.

This is the perfect response. I'd completely blank anything negative that he says and simply ignore, ignore, ignore. If he persists I might reply, 'Yes. I heard you' but nothing else.

And I'd make rapid plans to file for divorce. Life sounds dreadful with him - you might as well start the proceedings.

You need some headphones. Make it clear you aren't listening to him.

LTB

Your self esteem will not get better until you go.

It sounds utterly joyless and draining to be there.

I don't think there's any way to cope other than as suggested above you emotionally detach as completely as you can.

I would imagine a shield around you too. You deflect not absorb his neggy vibes. Don't let him drag you down. Just shrug and smile when he makes comments.

Do you work?

Could he be really stressed about being the sole breadwinner?

Or has he always been a bit of an arse?