Heartbreak

[LifefallingapartII]

I know time is a healer and you can’t say just how long it will take, but looking for some positive stories and outcomes as I’m struggling over the loss of a relationship.

The relationship has been unhealthy and toxic for 15+ years (+one child). He has a new relationship already (deep and in love apparently) but still managed to get me in to bed and filling my head with crap about still loving me. It’s a case of doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me. So I know why in the long run this is good, but I’m struggling daily. It’s been a month and I feel worse than ever. Not being able to cut contact due to our child is what I find the hardest.

I’m taking anti anxiety med, journaling and starting counselling tomorrow so being as proactive as I can. I just need some positive inspiration. I just feel so sad and alone without him. Thanks

Wish I could think of more positive inspiration, because I have been in the same place (still love her but hate what she's doing to me, I know she's lying but I want to believe it, feel empty and alone). And not being able to cut contact makes it doubly hard....
Apart from struggling to reconcile how you might still feel together with what they're actually doing, I think it's emptiness that hurts - so you got to fill your time and heart with other things and people.

It does get better.

I am living proof. I thought my life was over. I was turning 50 and blindsided.

What you are going through is an evolutionary, biochemical reaction to finding yourself alone. And grief too. And all the practical issues that come up.

But you have to just lean into the skid, feel the pain, and trust in the process. Don't worry about too far ahead....if you can see the next step in front of you, just take that. As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.

What helped me? Podcasts (there's a great one called Break up Bestie. Journaling, counselling....you're doing all the right things ❤️

Connection. Even online with strangers.

Just keep taking the next step in front of you. You'll get there and one day in the not too distant future, you'll look back and see how far you've come.

Relationship break ups are a necessary evil to pave the way for an even better relationship.

xxx

Hi OP, give you head a big wobble and for once believe in yourself and say loud that you are worthy. Fake till you make it if necessary but start the day giving yourself some compliments.
The way to take control of your life is starting to believe that you deserve to be happy and work for it.
One day after another, small achievable goals and of course detach of him forever.
Time is healer, yes, but if you heal properly the scar will be tinny and it won't condition your future.

Thanks for your replies so far, it’s helpful to not feel quite so alone.

I know all the very valid reasons that we are not together (taking the new relationship out of the equation). But I just can’t seem to get myself to stop wanting him and missing him.

It feels like a triple head sword- the fact he doesn’t want me anymore and it’s over, then the fact he’s with someone else so soon and rubbing it in my face, then the fact our child is caught up in the middle of it all.

OP I’m right there with you, 3 weeks after a 4.5 year relationship breakup. Millions of reasons it didn’t work, barely any that it could have but yet I am bereft, comes in waves.

The main thing I am doing is being quite selfish, my DCs are adults and don’t live at home so there has been lots of lazy days, binge watching tv, the odd bottle of wine but, also lots of walking, gardening, reading, painting….i find myself swinging between a healing version of myself and broken version and I am struggling.

As PPs have said, time is the only thing on our side, those memories will fade, the physical pain will fade. I’ve purposely listed all the terrible things about the past few years and when I have a wobble I make sure I look at them, it brings me back down to earth immediately, still very, very sad though.

Sending lots of love, you’ll get through this ❤️

Thank you @ChookaPooka i think you’re right it’s the feeling of physical pain as well and mental torture. I’ve luckily got family around to help with my child as I’ve not been coping too well. It hasn’t helped that since ending things 4 weeks ago we’ve spent each week going over feelings and getting to a place that gives me hope, for him to just choose the new gf again. I’m not sure why he’s doing it, maybe the ego boost but it just hurts.

sending you lots of support and unmumsnetty hugs xx

Anyone else?

I think what I’m finding the hardest is knowing he has already moved on and fallen for someone else (his words). The jealousy is eating me up and I don’t know how to let it go. The idea that he’s going to want our child to meet her, the idea of them getting married or having a family, just living the life I thought was mine.

Hi, @LifefallingapartII
How are you feeling now? I just came across your post and thought I'd ask how you've been coping? I really feel for you 😪 My situation is similar to yours..17 years in a toxic relationship,1 DC and now reached the point where I have had enough. He hasn't met someone else but was on the lookout a year ago when we almost split up. Still in same house with him unfortunately due to circumstances. Finding it very hard right now and just about keeping myself together. A couple of the answers to your post sound like such good advice! I hope they helped you feel better.