Toxic Parents - Toxically Parented people with grown up children

[ally90]

Another poll...kind of!

If you had toxic parents ie abused by your parents (oh lord this sounds so jermey kyle) and now have your own grown up children...how well do you feel you parented them given your upbringing? Have they had anything to discuss about your parenting style? Do you have a good relationship? What did they find helpful about the way you parent?

This is all very personal I know...but if anyone wanted to share their experiences it could be very valuable help for those of us parenting our children now, having been abused by our parents.

I really hope this is not going to be shot down.....

TIA

Message withdrawn

Not me but my mother had toxic parents and a really appalling childhood but she's turned out to be just as bad. Her behaviour mimics her own mother. She always said we should shoot her if she turned out like my nan but she is exactly the same. She married at 16 to escape her mother and my elder sister did exactly the same thing. I've actually just severed contact with my mother as she's damaging me and my family. I am determined to break the pattern and not end up like my mum and nan.

Message withdrawn

my mum - my dear old nana was a right mess as parents go. baaaaad taste in men, always moving about, packing mum and her sis off to (free) boarding school which they hated, step fathers abusing them, (she)an alcoholic too... (she was a great nana tho, had got her shit together by then... still a drinker but elegantly so. and fwiw, she was if anything, even more toxically parented herself, so.)

anyway, i reckon my mum did a way better job than my nan did for her. she wasnt perfect but there was certainly no abuse in our childhoods and no lack of love. and the father she chose for us is a great dad too. (not so hot as a husband, but hey ho!)

and good god, could that sound any less JK???

we are SO not JK material - honest guv!

my mum was mentally abused by her own mother who made her feel worthless and hated. My mum still suffers from low self esteem as a result but as a parent she is wonderful, kind and patient. In fact both my parents come from incredibly dysfunctional set ups but they did their best for us and consequently all three of us children are still very close to our parents.

Hi

I had a pretty rough childhood. Parents survived Nazi Germany and were deeply paranoid for rest of their lives. Had three children(I was youngest) and basically had no clue how to bring us up. My father was a good man but very repressed. My mother on the other hand is pretty nasty and has given me grief for most of my 46 years.
I now have three children and have had lots of therapy over the years. I have worked long and hard on the way I talk to them/praise them/curb bad feelings about myself and not transfer that on to them.
I do believe that you can suffer in your own childhood but NOT pass on the 'sins' of your parents. I like to think you can rewrite the rule book. They Fuck You Up Your Mum and Dad.....how about They Tuck You Up...and tell you how much they love you, and how special you are etc etc. My kids are well-balanced, happy, no neurosis (I was a messed up kid who had her first panic attack aged nine) so I must be doing something right as a mum. I guess you never know how good a parent you have been until your children are grown up.

mamabel, thats lovely.

my mum suffered emotional abuse and physical neglect, she has been a great mum, can be a bit controlling (if we let her!)she finds it very hard to accecpt that we are now all adults

my dad, over the years has almost 'taught' her how to show affection, giving cuddles etc did not come easy for her. however, i have NEVER felt unloved or unwanted and she is a SUPERNANA, all her gdc love her to bits.

My parents predictably overreacted when I got pregnant 25 years ago and I was made to feel shameful.
I raised my baby well away from them but they moved house to be near us which was suffocating and of course, I could not do anything right re child rearing (!)
Mum died 20 years ago but my dad is still alive and now has dementia. My lovely son offered to care for him but almost cracked as the old patterns of mental abuse rose to the fore so we found a good residential home for dad.
I am so proud of my son. Despite an upbringing where money was scant, we stuck together and his lasting memories of childhood are ones of happiness and feeling secure.
I have always vowed never to raise my voice (or hand) to my children and to put effort into making their childhood happier than the one I had.
My son is now a successful musician and a very well adjusted young man. We are extremely close and he confides with me as he trusts me. He knows my childhood was terrible and had a glimpse into how nasty my dad could be when he was caring for him.
I have learned that although the physical and mental abuse was passed down through the generations it was up to me to stop it and raise my children with love and kindness, trust and praise.The rewards have been immeasurable.

My dad was an alcoholic and a bully. I think I've done it all wrong. Nice kids, but aimless, directionless, no goals... no self-control to get up in the morning or help with housework. Comes of being too 'kind', I think, on my part. We communicate very well though. No real 'terrible teens' stuff from them.

Thank you all for your responses...some good stories and not so good...

Is there anything you as parents would do differently? Or you would of had your parents done differently?

For example I feel that it could be too easy for me to 'overegg the pudding' and go too far the other way. I'm only just learning to say 'no' to people...bloody scary it is too. And like you Numbersix trying to tell dd when I'm not happy about something she has done, and actually sound angry if she keeps doing it. Hard work but my therapist points out she needs to know when I'm angry otherwise she will never know where the boundries are.

Thanks again all, very helpful to hear these examples...

Uttertripe...JK rowling?

And another thought...when did you become aware of the difficult relationship your parent/s had with their parents? Was it explained? Or things you picked up on? Do you wish you had known about it? Did you appriciate them telling you about their childhood?

In my case, it was always obvious as Mum would constantly have vicious rows with her mother, then not speak for months. I remember being about four, before we had a telephone in the house, standing in a phone box while she rowed with her mother. I'm glad I know about her childhood but I wish I could have spoken to my grandmother about it before she died as I'd have liked to know the other side of the story. I also wish my Mum could draw a line under what happened and put it behind her but even now, at the age of 60, she still rakes it up all the time, even though both her parents are now long dead.

That must have been awful for you to listen too. My mother had no contact at all with her grandmother but was never told why. So I guess she repeated the 'say nothing' approach with me and my sister. We got snippets but I only got the full details when I broke contact with her. I only think knowing the details would have helped if we actually had an open and honest relationship, but that is not something my family do...

I think it depends on the person your parent is. If they are open and honest about their relationship with their parents, if they are open and honest about mistakes they have made abotu you, AND allow you to feel angry about it AND acknowledge your feelings AND apologise...but my family believe in secrets and sweeping under the carpet everything bad...then it comes back and bites them. I want my dd to know why I am not in contact, and to acknowledge her feelings about that. I also want her to know that I'm not perfect and can and do make mistakes but try to own them when it happens...rather than the 'shush shush' approach my mother took... I also want her when she is older (and emotionally mature) to see her grandma and grandad if she wishes too (thought gives me panic attacks...) so yes she could get the other side of the story. Only my mothers version is 'everything was lovely compared to MY childhood, you had EVERYTHING (material) and I had NOTHING'...and then how mean and nasty I am for breaking contact hopefully I will seem sane compared to my mother and she will take my mothers version of 'my' childhood with a pinch of salt.

Ally I am not so sure it would have changed if your mother had told you about it.

I got told daily about how horrible a childhood my mother had had because her mother loved her brother more than her. He always got more food than her, more attention, more toys, better toys, etc. etc.

My father also told us how horrible his parents were.

They were just as bad as their own parents if not worse, because my parents just can't see that they are doing exactly the same things to their own children that they said they hated their parents doing.

I did not like my grandparents (partly) because I believed my parents did not want me to like them. My parents loved nothing more than a good backstabbing everytime we had seen my grandparents, and they took pleasure in us - the children - joining in.

I have the same panic attacks regarding my children seeing my parents when they get older (luckily we live in a different country now). I have however kept all the correspondence that has been exchanged between us in case my parents are not around when that time comes. However I don't think I will be showing it to them if my parents are no longer here, it would be nice if they just saw them as nice grandparents that once was in there lives until they were 2 and 3 years old.

Please bear with any spelling mistakes or if something does not make sense, I am at work just now and I sit in an open plan office with 8 other girls .

Hi Maisemor

I keep all correspondence too, and thanks for the validation about it not changing anything. I'm also with you on the backstabbing. My mother used to whisper to me and my sister awful things about our nana while we were in the same room (paternal nana) and we used to join in too...felt really angry about it when I got to know my nana without my parents around, after my grandad had died, but then she passed away after this.

I think the problems come with the bitching about grandparents (not constructive) and doing nothing about your own unmet needs as a child, and then doing the same to your children and history repeats........

Hi Numbersix, thanks for posting again it is helpful to have these viewpoints. It seems in your case your mother and father did learn from the mistakes of their parents and allowed you to have a separate relationship with your gp. Even if they did maybe go too far the other way there was no deliberate attempt to do so, and at least yoru parents telling you about the problems later, like you say helped you be a good parent yourself. You sound very lucky!

lol ally90

you are too highbrow for me
i meant Jeremy Kyle, rather than JK rowling.
(not that JKR is particularly highbrow, but considerably more than JK, i would say.)