An adult child of a parent with bpd

[Alionstailsunflower]

first post … but it is just that as the status points out , as an adult who has far become more than what I thought, how do you deal with, even after being strong ……coping with a parent who has this disorder ? I am not looking to bash anybody. I no longer have a relationship with my mother as a personal choice ,mental wellbeing and personal things that have affected me in the past … but genuinely wanting to speak to like minded people … or even mothers who struggle with it.
I have a lot of love for my mum. she has this disorder not by her own fails.

I will be honest and say that I will not let it seep into my life like it did before and certainly not to my children’s….. I may also add my Nan and brother also had to deal with the same disorder…. It’s not something I speak day to day to people about.

I’m just looking to open a conversation….but to also know I am not alone and what is the thing you struggle the most with?

Hi i have a bf who has alot of mental health in his family. Hes being assessed for ptsd. His dd has bipolar. His cousin has bpd.

So as his partner i am painfully aware that i would be alot happier without him. Im not bashing people with MH issues. But in his case hes been walking around in this state for years denying hes unwell.

His dd has recently re entered his life as she was in a manic stage and always comes to him when shes struggling. Shes a nice girl. Sweet. Thinks she can fix her broken family. She wont! But she tries to be there for all the family. She gets help and is on meds. But she has been so unwell the last 4 months. Shes 25 and her partner has stood by her for 4 years. I dont know how he does it. They have awareness for one another but when shes struggling he ends up on the end of it all.

I think to be in the life of anyone with inconsistant moods and mh issues is a heavy weight. My life and problems to him should never be allowed to be star of the show. He is always one bigger and has way more going on than me so arguments arise whenever i have an issue. I find it hard that hes allowed to be grouchy, tired and stressed and if i express its getting too much he will get mad! His problems take over. I am the fixer. I am the strong one.

What sort of things are you finding hard? For me its the victim mentality. He thinks its everyone else to blame. But he fails to acknowledge hes cheated, lied and been wreckless to everyone hes ever got close to.

For me…. I have to agree with you that
i too have struggled with the victim mentality , never taking responsibility for her actions but the main thing was having to act like her parent and never having really being parented myself, something I never want my children to have to experience! But also sympathising with her because she had such an awful childhood etc.

my younger brother … well he’s fathered 6 children with various women ,not bothered with half of them only when it suits him , been to prison and still plays the me card… I honestly can’t begin to understand it.

Thankyou for sharing your story with me, it’s not an easy thing

It’s very hard when you love somebody who is struggling also , your feelings matter.

It’s such a taboo isn’t it. Society is hell bent on this dolls house view of families. That you just stick humans in a house and the adults will just behave like parents because they happened to have functioning sexual organs and a sex drive which produced young.

When people get uncomfortable about NC and estrangement they’re scrambling to protect the dolls house in their head with varying degrees of denial.

100 years ago divorce was seen as familial estrangement is now. As time passes we realise divorce is a natural conclusion because about 15% of people are unable to cooperate with, or care about other people. These people aren’t magically infertile. If only.

I like to think of us adult children of such parents as building our own homes down the end of our parents garden, in a couple of acres they forgot about. :)

My mother has no diagnosis of anything but all of her behaviours point to a personality disorder. I once described her to a psychiatrist friend who said she was 'text book'.

I've been nc with her for 12 years.

She's damaged me in so many ways, deeply and at a fundamental level. I'll never be free from her. Therapy has only slightly dented her impact. I've been told I'd need very serious, long term therapy to start to put it right. I don't have the emotional capacity, time or means to do this so I muddle on as best I can.

Sorry, I quoted you, speakball because your dolls' house analogy really resonated with me. Including the building your own family in at the bottom of the garden in the couple of acres they forgot about!

I think that the only problem with this is that, it doesn't matter how nice that home is, how lovely the family is, it's built on toxic land. What is under your feet is very difficult to 'clean' so it's always there in the background.

That's my experience anyway.

I think no matter how well you try to raise your children and build something that is so different to what you grew up with , it’s still always there …knowing that the only person you can really look up to is yourself, it’s empowering but very sad at the same time.

I also went nc with my mum after she made an awful show at my wedding and threw some awful accusations around, maybe because the day wasn’t about her.

Awful as it may sound it’s comforting knowing you’re not alone With your feelings , I appreciate your responses, Thankyou! And the dollhouse analogy was very well put.

Yes my bf had the lousy dad and the reason his dad was lousy was he cheated on his mum and he was taken to womens houses as a kid with his dad and given crisps and a can of pop whilst his dad had fun. But whilst he resents his dad for this he too has cheated and lied and been a lousy parent.

I find often they do have the memories they cant accept or make peace with but it becomes their reasoning.

I dont know where the line of Mh stops and their personality begins, but its a choice really to change the way you treat your children vs how you were treated. We still know right from wrong. I find when i talk about my bfs behaviour i notice people who get it say the exact same things.

My mum we believe has petulant BPD ( not diagnosed but ticks every box for it ) when you have lived with it your whole life you assume it’s normal behaviour.

recently myself and my sibling had a good long talk about how mum has made us feel and how dysfunctional the relationship with her has been, it’s very toxic.

We are constantly Walking on eggshells, she will make stuff up about you in her head and convince herself it is true and then we will either get passive aggressive remarks or worse silent treatment.

She is extremely critical and negative and doesn’t have any close friends. She can add a negative narrative to the most positive situation or celebration.

She doesn’t like it if we seem to be enjoying ourselves with friends or other relatives if she isn’t there or included.

After being in her company I feel anxious and low and as a adult it has made me hyper vigilant to others around me and if their mood is changing or if they are not happy as I have always been on alert because of her.

We have discussed cutting her out of our lives but that would mean not seeing our dad who needs us and who we love. It’s really hard to set boundary’s to protect our selfs.

My biological mother had severe BPD. I met her when I was 18. It wasn't pretty.

She too didn't have much of a chance, a dreadful childhood that left her simply not able to stick to treatment but my God she became awful. Both pitiable and very dangerous.

As a daughter and sort of adult observer it was a strange position. By the end she was unable to exercise any self control and if you hadn't seen her behaviour, you truly wouldn't believe it. No one from a family who hasn't experienced it would.

Her other daughters are both damaged, one extremely badly. That's more of a statement than a conversation but just to say .... yeah. People who don't experience it don't get it, and also the love / pity / repulsion / anger / longing is very hard.

I didn't invite her to my wedding because of exactly what you say. No doubt whatsoever she'd have made the day about her, and entirely ruined it for everyone with extreme drama.