Sexless Marriage

[Kimcat1]

Hi

I've been married to my husband for 2 years, together for 7 years. 6 months after we got together he suffered from a stroke. He was very young, fit and healthy so complete shock. He made a great recovery and does not have any deficits as a result of this. He has been on daily medication since this.

Fast forward to now, we have a beautiful baby girl who we both just adore. I love my husband, and he's a great dad but I can't help but feel so much resentment as honestly I think if it was up to him, he'd be happy to never have sex again. This has really just gotten progressively worse since the stroke and I have of course been very sensitive to this. I've put myself out there so many times and been constantly rejected or if we did do it, I just knew he'd rather not. Whilst I was pregnant I was too frightened to have sex as we'd suffered a loss previously, but honestly I think that suited him. Even when trying for a baby it was clear that he didn't love how much sex you have to have to make a baby, and it did happen quickly for us both times so wasn't a long process. After bubs was born I chatted about how I felt ready again and how did he feel about it etc, and he said yeah let's do it. So about a week later I suggested we make up the sofa bed downstairs as baby girl is in our room. After putting her down I got all ready, makeup, underwear etc. I was feeling so vulnerable as not feeling my best 3 months post partum and in addition I'd done this before with underwear etc only to be shot down and told "aw you're killing me, I really wanted to just chill". So I go downstairs and the sofa bed isn't made up and he's watching TV. So there I sit in my underwear and small robe for an hour and nothing, he didn't even kiss me. Eventually I said I was going to bed and he looked so confused and asked why. I burst into tears and explained how I was feeling lonely, unattractive, rejected etc and had been sitting in basically nothing for an hour for nothing to happen. I told him I'm never putting myself in that position again, and now the ball would have to be in his court and since then nothing at all. He doesn't even kiss me apart from a peck on the lips. Whenever I have brought this up in the past he has said he doesn't know why, mentioned his medication or low sex drive and said if he's not enough for me then he doesn't know what we should do. He's not willing to work on it at all with me. I know I may have gone about it wrong and put too much pressure on it but I guess I thought if I dressed up then that may have made him want to more, and to try to boost my own self confidence really, silly I know. I'm just looking for an outsider perspective really as I'm feeling so deflated and my self confidence is in the toilet really. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much if you made it this far.

I know it's easy for me to say reading it but it's a reflection of HIM and HIS health, not on how attractive you are. Never lose sight of that.There is many men and women in your position and it's not a nice feeling.

Unfortunately if he doesn’t want to have sex, that’s his choice and you should not try to pressure or guilt trip him into it.

saying that if are not happy maybe you should consider leaving the relationship

Do you think the stroke changed things, or the medication? Was your sex life different before the stroke?

Have you had a look at the stroke association leaflet ' sex and relationships after stroke' - does anything strike a chord?

He doesn't want sex. You do. You arnt compatible. Either you accept a celibate life and carry on or you have to leave the relationship. Depends how important sex is to you I guess. Have you checked his phone. Does he look at porn. That will tell you if he really does have no drive.

Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing.

You are not alone; I was in a sexless marriage for years and years. Children definitely kill it for a lot of couples. Every situation is different, but some men are just spooked having sex when there's a child in the house. I think a lot of people become asexual when they get older.
But whatever the reason, you are not having your needs met and it's affecting you emotionally; self esteem going down the toilet is a very natural reaction to your situation.
There are no easy answers. I just did DIY for years while the children were small, but that's a profoundly lonely experience.
By the time the children were older, the lack of intimacy on a physical and emotional level had taken us past the point of no return. I had a FWB affair for a few years when I didn't feel I could leave the kids - there are lots of men in an equal and opposite situation. But that isn't the answer- it just keeps you alive for a few years. Finally I left and have had more intimacy than my wildest dreams could have imagined back in those rejection days.
So I guess you have three options, the first of which takes two to tango.
You try and fix it together,recognising that this is an incredibly challenging period for all couples and will take time and compassion.
You decide that lack of physical intimacy is a deal breaker for you and therefore you split. But recognise it is incredibly difficult to navigate a new relationship with a young baby, so you could end up in a sexless life on your own.
You do nothing and wait. Life is a series of seasons and if I could tell my younger self what amazing sex and intimacy lay ahead of her, she would have laughed me out of town.

Keep the faith and try not to let your husband's behaviour eat into your self worth. Easier said than done I know.

This.

I am disabled and have chronic health issues and I don’t fancy sex very much. It’s nothing to do with dh. That doesn’t really help you I know because I’ve also been on the other side of it and know how awful that feels too but you have to accept it isn’t you.

It's one thing if his health prevents him from being able to have sex, but you said he won't even offer you physical affection.
I would not tolerate that. His illness doesn't prevent him from kissing and having a cuddle.
This is a serious problem and needs to be worked out in a therapeutic setting.
Is it possible he has a porn addiction, which causes men to be uninterested in real life sex and romance? I's investigate that, because if that's it, your relationship is doomed.

Another possibility is that his testosterone is abnormally low, which can be raised with hormone therapy. If he gets that and an erectile dysfunction drug, he should be good to go. However, that will not solve the problem of him not being affectionate and acting insensitive to your feelings.

So if man doesn’t want sex he should automatically be packed off to the Drs because there is something wrong with him ?
maybe he doesn’t want sex with his wife because he doesn’t actually want to have sex his wife anymore and not because he is faulty in some way the a course of pills can fix

You're against ruling out a medical cause because...?.It certainly could be that he is no longer attracted to her, but don't you think it's better to know for sure?

GP to get the medication checked out should surely be the first port of call? If he's willing.

Key question is what was your sex life like pre-stroke?

Any serious brain injury could affect sexual function for any person, it seems rather shallow of you to think that he might have a porn addiction or need testosterone supplements

https://www.stroke.org.uk/stroke/support/materials/stroke-news/breaking-silence-around-sex-after-stroke

Why is it shallow? Those are common reasons for sexual dysfunction, far more common than brain injury. Where did you get the idea he has a brain injury?
When you hear hoofbeats, do you think it's horses, or do you think it's zebras?

Porn dependance as someone mentioned... maybe.
More likely E.D due to stroke.

Did I miss something? Did she say he had a stroke? If so, then yeah, that is the most likely cause.

Edit; I just re-read it. She did say it and I guess I forgot. Mea culpa.

I just re-read it. I had forgotten about the stroke. Apologies.

I was in a sexless marriage from day one, we were both in our early twenties, I tried to find out what the problem was , but she was so uncommunicative and talking about the problem seemed to achieve nothing. After 2 years I’m afraid anger got the better of me and I threatened the end of the marriage, this seemed to work and very quickly she became pregnant. Things were fine for a while , but the relationship was a very low sex one, obviously having a child took the focus off of our problem and despite infrequency regarding sex we had two more children.
Throughout the rest of our marriage there was little sex, but worse was the lack of everyday touch and affection. This type of relationship creates all sorts of psychological problems and issues of trust, honesty and loyalty etc
I developed very low self esteem because of the constant rejection and this in turn caused me to emotionally detach from my wife and also to lose confidence in myself.
I honestly believed my wife was either asexual or very, very low libido. Neither was true as she managed a several years affair with a friend of the family, this destroyed our marriage completely, it would seem that lurking in that sexless, affection less body was a very sexual and passionate person, but married to the wrong partner.
It took 30 years for her to arrive at this conclusion.

I doubt that was it at all. Some people can only enjoy sex if it's transgressive.
Please don't think it was about you. It's not uncommon for people to cheat voraciously while refusing sex and affection to their spouses. With these kind of people it's a means of emotionally abusing the spouse while also indulging their twisted fantasies with other people.
I hope you kicked her to the curb.