Can’t get over resentment and move forward

[Helloyou111]

Hi . I’m really struggling to get over the way my boyfriend has treated me in the past . There’s too much to go into but basically he’s tried so hard in the last 6 months to get help and he’s doing everything he should be doing but yet I find myself picking fights almost every other day over stupid things but deep down I know it’s related to past things he’s done that I just can’t get over . I do want to move forward and forgive him but it feels impossible 😫 he’s never cheated or anything like that but he was highly controlling and abusive (not physically) he had a severe habit of lying about money and other things and I just can’t trust him now . Do I just give up and move on now . I love him so much but I’m suspicious of him 24/7 and I hate the person he’s made me

I am in the same boat. My bf lies about everything. I am so untrusting. He lies about money and allsorts. No solid evidence of cheating but i suspect hes done emotional affairs. Hes also getting help. I am terrible i notice little details in his flat. I know we need to end. I cant ever relax.

What exactly do you love about him?
You've said absolutely nothing thst suggests he brings love into your life.

To both the OP and first PP.... leave... asap, don't waste your lives, they never improve they never change. Choose happiness and freedom

he’s extremely loving and makes me feel loved , he’s very caring and genuinely has a good heart , we bounce off each other really well and I feel like we really get each other . I know a lot of the way he was was because of his insecurities and past trauma that he never dealt with until now but I don’t know if it’s too late now 😢 he’s caused so much emotional damage to me I can’t move on from it and I don’t know how

I feel like this im constantly trying to catch him out but I also feel bad because maybe he genuinely isn’t up to anything but I’ve been let down over and over and over so it’s hard to gain trust again

You have lost respect and trust for him, understandably. You will likely never feel the same way you felt about him before he did those things. Keep in mind that only a small fraction of controlling, abusive people change, even with extensive therapy.

I am the same. I found a false nail in his hoover once but he was also lying about the fact he had an aquaintance staying over who he presumed i wouldnt have approved of. So i dont know anything. I am always anxious and untrusting. Its sad.

As someone whose relationship was halcyon with NO issues at all pre marriage and kids I'm telling you

LEAVE.

He will backslide
Even if he doesn't fully the stress of always being on your guard is terrible for your health (adreneline and cortisiol)
My friend was married to a similar guy and ended up with adrenal failure!!! She was v ill.

On top of that building a life with someone isnt easy. Children are the best thing i ever did but they are not easy! There are a lot of stresses and you are incredibly vulnerable in a way i didnt understand until i had them myself.
Pregnancy can also impact your mental health.

This is not a good guy - a good guy couldnt have treated you like that, this guy is quite happy to be abusive, he is just choosing not to abuse you... for now.

Oh for goodness sake! Life is too late waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully, he will have learned something and won’t be a dick to the next person but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Don't waste any more of your precious life on him and find someone else who makes you happy.

I’m the same. I’d love to forgive and forget, but it’s not in my nature. I personally don’t think you can ever get over resentment, best to move on.