Struggling to socialise

[Begsthequestion]

I feel like two different people at the moment - the old me who liked going out and seeing people, and the current me who now takes precedence and cannot face going out.

I even make plans to go out (nothing big, just joining others for a drink or something) and then when the day comes I can't seem to make myself go out.

Idk what to do about this - do I try to drag myself out before I lose contact with friends, or do I just not want to be social anymore and need to accept that?

Has anyone else felt like this?

What happen to 'current' you that made you not able to face going out?

I feel like that all the time. It follows a major bereavement. Any idea if something has triggered it for you?

I don't know. I moved to a completely new place a couple of years ago, but I did used to go out when I first got here so I do know people here.

But I think I've lost faith/trust in people in general. I used to pick quite troubled people as friends before - or, they picked me. It caused me a lot of hurt. Perhaps I'm now wary of getting closer to people because of the stress it caused before.

Sorry to hear that. For me, I don't think it's one life event I can pinpoint. Maybe an accumulation of smaller traumas. I do think I've put myself, or been put, in the caretaker role a lot over the years, and accepted that because it meant I must be "okay" in comparison. But really, I'm not and I've just been hiding it from them. I'm running away from that old role now, perhaps.

Most people I know are in a vulnerable place mentally, and perhaps I can't face going through that fear of losing them or being the person that has to take care of them. It's just too much.

Might be worth considering why you pick (or are picked by) troubled people. A good place to start is by understanding the core beliefs you developed as a child.

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Thanks, I'll take a look. I've explored a lot of the why's and codependency etc and I feel like I know why but I don't actually know how to change that in future. I can't afford therapy and tried to get referred but was told that my needs are too complex for CBT services available.

I actually feel repelled by the notion of getting close to anyone now I think. I just end up getting manipulated, or having to talk someone down off a ledge that I'm basically on as well for my own reasons.

Looking at the core beliefs page - is there a name for when you think you're alright and not a bad person and not unattractive, but you understand that others don't think that about you?

Like, I used to believe I was an awful, terribly flawed person and physically very unattractive. So I worked on those attitudes and self compassion and self love, and now I don't think I'm awful and I think I'm alright looking or else don't really care about that (I don't date at all anymore so it doesn't really matter what I look like to anyone else. But I don't hate what I see in the mirror anymore).

However I do think that other people don't particularly like me, and I don't think anyone would find me attractive enough to be their first choice in dating. But I think so what?! I don't need their approval to not hate myself anymore.

I'm the same! I posted this on another thread yesterday:

The thought of actively trying to build new friendships with all that entails, and that probably won’t go anywhere anyway, is exhausting. I’ve invested so much time in people in the past only for them to turn out to be twats who took advantage of my time and support but were nowhere to be seen when I needed them. It would be nice to have more people to go out with, especially as I’m single, but my previous experiences have made me very cynical.

I'm so wary of people, and of giving my time to them now. Forcing myself to go out doesn't really help as I tend to return feeling unfulfilled and like I'd rather have stayed at home. I find socialising exhausting.

I have friends in different parts of the country who I speak with on WhatsApp every day, which helps and find is enough most of the time.

What do you do at home? Do you have a partner/kids? I suppose in an ideal world I'd have a partner to spend time with but past experience of that has been enough to put me off for life.

Thanks, yes that's similar to how I feel. It's just too much. Even my close friend from where I used to live barely asks how I am on the phone. It's like an afterthought really.

Other people I'm still in contact with are similar - I spend a lot of effort texting about their problems and get exhausted and then we spend a minute if anything on mine and that's it. I've had to distance myself from a couple because I can longer do much for them. At one point I was trying to counsel two different suicidal friends in 24 hours. One of whom turned out to be manipulating me a bit. Like, she texted me a cry for help msg and then refused to pick up the phone or reply when she had her phone with her the whole time and was also texting with other ppl. I think that triggered me to cut myself off even more.

I don't have a partner, haven't dated in years, no kids at home. I can easily entertain myself with reading, writing, music, crafts etc. I do struggle with executive function though, and find it hard to motivate myself to do most things I should do like cleaning, gardening and making appointments. So I tend to put my energy into that and don't have spare for people. I'm ADHD and medicated for it (though every month I have to fight to get the pills due to the shortage and I'm constantly anxious about it).

This is what I've found too. My oldest friend barely asks about me and messes me around constantly. Last week she asked if we could meet on Monday, I said yes. On Saturday evening she texted to say 'I might not be able to meet Monday now, will let you know on Sunday' so I assume she got a better offer. Sunday came and went, no contact from her and haven't heard from her since. She does this all the time these days and I'm at breaking point with it.

Another close friend got into strange mix of far left and far right politics and conspiracy theories and seemed to want to provoke me all the time. This coincided with her cancelling on me on my birthday, a couple of hours before we were due to meet, because she was 'tired'. I started to get strong impression she didn't actually like me and saw me as some sort of conformist idiot for not agreeing with her, so I called it a day. It upset me because I'd always been there for her, even offered my home to her when she was suffering from severe anxiety during lockdown, but apparently it all counted for nothing.

I got friendly with a neighbour last year but like your 'friend', she was having some MH issues and I realised she was manipulating me, telling me one thing and somebody else another. She used me like a therapist and then ditched me when she moved. What really pissed me off is that she still keeps in contact with other neighbours, ones she constantly slagged off to me and claimed were all out to get her.

It's all just drama and bullshit I don't have the energy for. I used to put up with it because I thought it was better than nothing, but then I realised it's not. Like you, I'm happy reading, writing, doing music and playing with my cat. And I also have ADHD and am waiting to start titration. You're absolutely right, with all the energy it takes just to do the basic things, there isn't a lot left for other people. Sometimes I feel it's a bit of a blessing in disguise because I tend not to get bored or crave social interaction!

Well done for working on yourself, that in itself takes self awareness and insight.

Have a read back of your post and look at the mixed messages;

"I do think that other people don't particularly like me"

"I don't date at all anymore so it doesn't really matter what I look like to anyone else"

"I don't think anyone would find me attractive enough to be their first choice in dating."

What's your priority? Finding friends who are easy going, not needy or damaged, to go out with? Going out because you feel it's the done thing to do even if you're just as happy being alone? Finding a partner at some point?

I don't think my statements are mixed messages? I think most people I know like the fact that I listen to their problems more than they actually like me. I don't date anymore. I don't think anyone is upset by that fact, including me.

I'm struggling to socialise and trying to work out why. I think maybe I don't really like people anymore.