I will try to keep this short, but I might not succeed.
I Have been married for 32 years. We have two children aged 30 and 26. Both “launched”, living independently but not to far from here so we see them regularly.
My husband is very self contained. In the beginning, I found this attractive; then came the busy years when the children were little and we were building careers, climbing the property ladder, and then the calmer times when children were older. We were a good, efficient partnership, financially very secure and he was a good and present dad.
Now we are both retired. About 12 to 15 years ago, things began to get difficult; the self contained thing I mentioned had grown to become not really wanting to spend time or do anything with me at all. He has sort of checked out of parenting, I guess this is not unreasonable because the kids are adults. But I have not checked out. About 10 years ago, he told me that “things weren’t great” between us, and that he disliked my political views and did not want the kind of retirement other people had, where they did things together and planned holidays/days out etc. He wanted to do his own thing, travel (alone) and spend time doing his hobby, cycling. I was upset, and thought about separating at this point, but then thought about the financial implications, and the upset it would cause the children, who were GCSE/ Alevel age and I felt they needed a base. And I didn’t want another man, so why would I commit financial suicide, I remember thinking.
we sleep apart, at his instigation. A couple of years ago I asked if he would come into my bed for cups of tea etc in the morning, even if he didn’t want to sleep all night there, but he didn’t. We have not had sex for over a decade. No kisses, touching, cuddling, just nothing. If I touch him, he flinched. We had couples counselling, but nothing changed.
there are no rows or arguing, we are efficient, amicable housemates.
he goes on holiday by himself. I am alone here with the cat for anything between a week and six weeks.
when I retired, I knew I had to build a life for myself, so I joined lots of groups etc, and now the inevitable has happened. I have met a man. I have known him a couple,of years, but in the last six months we have become close. He wants to have a relationship with me, and we have started an affair, I feel terrible just writing that. I thought I would die without ever being kissed again, let alone being physical with a man again. It is like being born again. I Cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be with him.
he has said he wants us to be together for what time we have left, I am late 50s he’s early 60s. I desperately want this too. The sex is like nothing I’ve ever known before. We share a lot of interests, are on the same page politically and just about life in general, we chat and he is affectionate and funny and interested. I am feeling weepy just writing this.
but the idea of dismantling the last 30 plus years is so awful. Will the kids hate me? I thought I could manage living this separate life, I have lots of friends etc and everything is so easy and secure … except there is no love, no chatting, no affection and no physical closeness.Wtf shall I do?
if you’ve read this far, I salute you!