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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship on the rocks?

9 replies

1989fb · 21/06/2024 23:28

This is a bit of a ramble but I don’t know what to do.
My husband started taking anxiety medication not long after we had our first child so around 7 years ago. There has been times where he hasn’t been taking them and I can tell within a week or so.
I am by no means perfect and can be moody etc but he completely over reacts when he’s not on them. Lashes out and says horrible things so I’m now able to tell when he’s off the medication. There was a period when he has been drinking where he would be horrible randomly when nothing had happened then he wouldn’t remember (or so he says) this was less than a year ago and he spoke to his doctor and he put the medication dose up. Iv noticed a few mood swings recently and then after looking realised he had none of his tablets lying around anywhere. Turns out he hasn’t taken them in 6 weeks without speaking to his doctor. He seems to constantly try come off them, I get why he wouldn’t want to be on them but I do think they help him. Now thinking back he’s been overreacting about things and dragging silly iggles out til it even got to the stage I was convinced he was going to leave me. Also being short with our children which is not like him. After speaking it out he made it clear that he dosnt want to separate etc. I’m just over 3 months pregnant so I know the last while has not been easy on him but I feel like he should be more supportive and be able to suck some things up considering Iv had my head down a loo for 6 weeks straight while still working and caring for out child and it’s not been the easiest times with a bleed and a previous miscarriage so I really haven’t been myself. He’s been complaining about lack of sex since we found out I’m pregnant and that I talk about being tired all the time and my symptoms. I mean I know it wouldn’t be a bit draining but how does he think I feel?

Aside from this any argument or disagreement is always him blaming me for everything and any things he says is my fault. I never really feel like I have him to lean on when I need support. I’m usually the more positive and let’s get stuff done one and he’s more the worried but I’m starting to get sick of it and feeling like would we be better apart?
I love him to bits and I feel like he does deep down but I’m starting to feel like I deserve better.
Then I doubt myself and think am I the problem and am I making his miserable?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 22/06/2024 20:02

Where to start?
Maybe by saying to him 'Look, I'm pregnant, so things are tough for me right now and they're not going to get easier any time soon: So I need you to be at the top of your game, which means you take your pills so you're in a position to support me when I need it most'.
Whatever the long term holds, the above is true and you need to work together.

XChrome · 22/06/2024 23:40

It's certainly not you and don't let him convince you it is. He has none of the qualities that are necessary for a relationship to work. You really have nothing to work with here.
Anxiety is not a reason for abusive and manipulative behaviour. That's a character issue. Sorry, but it sounds like he's just a crap person. You do deserve better.

StormingNorman · 22/06/2024 23:48

Does he have the emotional bandwidth to support you, even with the tablets? Anxiety can fill up your head and not leave much/any space for anything or anyone else. It wouldn’t mean he didn’t love you, just that he doesn’t have support in him right now.

1989fb · 23/06/2024 18:34

StormingNorman · 22/06/2024 23:48

Does he have the emotional bandwidth to support you, even with the tablets? Anxiety can fill up your head and not leave much/any space for anything or anyone else. It wouldn’t mean he didn’t love you, just that he doesn’t have support in him right now.

No if I’m honest with myself he’s never really been able to support me. Anytime anything has happened that I’ve not copped well with he has never really been able to cope with me not being ok. Which has then made me have to suck it up and put a brave face on. We have been together over 10 years and there’s only been a handful of things I have really needed his support for and Iv been disappointed in his reactions towards me.

OP posts:
1989fb · 23/06/2024 18:42

Bittenonce · 22/06/2024 20:02

Where to start?
Maybe by saying to him 'Look, I'm pregnant, so things are tough for me right now and they're not going to get easier any time soon: So I need you to be at the top of your game, which means you take your pills so you're in a position to support me when I need it most'.
Whatever the long term holds, the above is true and you need to work together.

I said this to him today after staying out his way this weekend. I said I need him to able to be there for me while pregnant and his response was robotic and that maybe he would be better with me if I put more effort in. Pathetic as it sounds Iv asked him what he wants me to do but I don’t really get a response from him. When I type all this I realise how pathetic I sound even putting up with all this stuff over the years. We tried for years for this baby and now I’m terrified I’m going to be left alone with 2 kids and nothing financially.

hes saying things like he’s going to be doing what he wants in life now as Iv controlled enough things over the years which is not true. Hes recently became the one who brings in more money and I’m starting to think does he feel like he dosng need me now as he could afford a house alone etc.

worth complete rant but we have just announce our pregnancy so really don’t want to speak to friends or family about this.

OP posts:
1989fb · 23/06/2024 18:43

XChrome · 22/06/2024 23:40

It's certainly not you and don't let him convince you it is. He has none of the qualities that are necessary for a relationship to work. You really have nothing to work with here.
Anxiety is not a reason for abusive and manipulative behaviour. That's a character issue. Sorry, but it sounds like he's just a crap person. You do deserve better.

I know I feel like I’m doubting myself now. Of course I can be hard work at times and have my faults I just feel like he’s not taking any responsibility for anything that’s wrong and everything is my fault.
i know the sorry after his outbursts are getting less and less now

OP posts:
XChrome · 23/06/2024 18:54

1989fb · 23/06/2024 18:43

I know I feel like I’m doubting myself now. Of course I can be hard work at times and have my faults I just feel like he’s not taking any responsibility for anything that’s wrong and everything is my fault.
i know the sorry after his outbursts are getting less and less now

We all have faults, but that's not a fair comparison to his abusive behaviour. You don't deserve that.
He will likely continue to get worse. The verbal and emotional abuse could become physical as well. There is just no fixing other people. If he doesn't want to improve himself, there's nothing you can do. I'm so sorry.

Bittenonce · 23/06/2024 18:58

1989fb · 23/06/2024 18:42

I said this to him today after staying out his way this weekend. I said I need him to able to be there for me while pregnant and his response was robotic and that maybe he would be better with me if I put more effort in. Pathetic as it sounds Iv asked him what he wants me to do but I don’t really get a response from him. When I type all this I realise how pathetic I sound even putting up with all this stuff over the years. We tried for years for this baby and now I’m terrified I’m going to be left alone with 2 kids and nothing financially.

hes saying things like he’s going to be doing what he wants in life now as Iv controlled enough things over the years which is not true. Hes recently became the one who brings in more money and I’m starting to think does he feel like he dosng need me now as he could afford a house alone etc.

worth complete rant but we have just announce our pregnancy so really don’t want to speak to friends or family about this.

This really is a shower of shit, I feel embarrassed to be a man.
Just don't get how anyone can turn their back on the woman carrying their child. Sounds like he's seriously ASD? Doesn't really matter I guess. You know he's got nothing to give you, now or in the future - But being pregnant, it's obviously the worst possible time, so the question is just about when you decide to cut free, that's going to be least hurt, least uncomfortable, most manageable for you.
Talk to your friends and family about this, you're going to need them.
And don't worry about finances! If (when) you go, you know he's got to give you half of everything and support the kids. Don't give up any hope of happiness and stay because you'll have a newer car outside and an extra holiday each year.

StormingNorman · 23/06/2024 19:45

He sounds so selfish. Anxiety can do this to people but it doesn’t make them any easier to live with. He really doesn’t have anything to give you, does he?

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