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Original poster

Why ruin a good thing...

22 replies

Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:27

Just interested to hear from those in a long term relationship, living separately and are happy with that.
I've been with a guy for 5 years, and from very early on in our relationship he's always made it clear I'm his forever and he wants to live with me. We're both in our 50s, he's never been married and has no kids. I'm divorced and have two adult dc still living with me and that's where the problems begin. He doesn't want to live with my kids but I'm not going to chuck them out. He has accumulated a lot of stuff over the years and is basically a hoarder, I'm not. I don't want to live in the city, he does. He's just started a new job working shifts and now we're finding it harder to be together. Where are we going in this relationship? After a long drawn out divorce I'm only just finding my independence so do I even want to live with another man again? With all that said, we are still very happy together and I wouldn't want to be without him. We both own our own homes and are financially independent, so should I just accept this is the best it gets?

OP posts:
MaryMack · 21/06/2024 21:32

I have two female friends who are married and they live separately, for similar reasons. They stay over at each other's homes, go on weekends away and for sunny holidays together. They just need their own space.

It's not that unusual.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2024 21:37

I think you and he now need to be apart permanently as this is really going nowhere. Fundamentally you and he are poles apart. He’s also a hoarder and that is a huge MH problem that you cannot cure.

What do your children think of him?. I think you need time and space on your own to work out who you really are and what you want from life and or relationships.

MateysMusing · 21/06/2024 21:39

If it aint broke dont fix it. Keep it going and stay in your own places.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 21/06/2024 21:40

Why can't you just live apart and still be best friends?

5128gap · 21/06/2024 21:45

I don't understand what you mean about it being the best it gets, as it suits you, surely? You have your independence that you value, and your DC living with you, but also the relationship. Is is not him who needs to accept, given he's the one who would prefer to live together?

Original poster
Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:49

@AttilaTheMeerkat so you're saying that despite the fact we have a great relationship and get along I should just walk away? Interesting. Surely what I have is better than living with someone, not get along and being miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:52

@5128gap I think the issue is that he can't get his shit together so we can live together and the longer I wait I may not want to.

OP posts:
MateysMusing · 21/06/2024 21:55

Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:49

@AttilaTheMeerkat so you're saying that despite the fact we have a great relationship and get along I should just walk away? Interesting. Surely what I have is better than living with someone, not get along and being miserable.

Its the MN way sadly, even in cases like yours where there's no wrongdoing.

The hoarding is a problem, but not one you'll bring to your door if you never decide to live together.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/06/2024 21:57

He gains so much by living with you. You lose so much by living with him.

The not wanting to live with your kids would mean bye bye for me tbh.

AmelieTaylor · 21/06/2024 22:06

Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:49

@AttilaTheMeerkat so you're saying that despite the fact we have a great relationship and get along I should just walk away? Interesting. Surely what I have is better than living with someone, not get along and being miserable.

@Kiki105

yes, but they're not the only 2 options!!

AmelieTaylor · 21/06/2024 22:08

Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 21:52

@5128gap I think the issue is that he can't get his shit together so we can live together and the longer I wait I may not want to.

I must have missed something here?!?!

what shit does he need to 'get together'??

why doesn't he want to live with your kids?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2024 22:09

What Birthday Rainbow wrote. And what Mn way too, what rot.

I can see the attraction for him but what is in this still for you?. This relationship has not really progressed in five years and you’re really now at a stalemate. You do not want to
live in a city snd he does not want to live with your adult children. He is also a hoarder and you are unlikely to know the full extent of his hoarding. What do your kids think of him?

AmelieTaylor · 21/06/2024 22:09

BirthdayRainbow · 21/06/2024 21:57

He gains so much by living with you. You lose so much by living with him.

The not wanting to live with your kids would mean bye bye for me tbh.

@BirthdayRainbow what does he gain? What does she lose??

Original poster
Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 22:13

@AmelieTaylor sort his house out, declutter and either rent or sell his house.

There's nothing wrong with my kids, they're adults but he wants it to be just us living together. He doesn't want to be sharing the bathroom everyday for example with my adult kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 22:16

He and my kids get on fine. My daughter has often asked why we don't live together

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2024 22:16

He shows no consideration for your adult children whatsoever, all he wants is for you and he to live together. And it’s their home currently and you don’t want to throw them out.

If he is a hoarder he could well
come to use your home as a further place to store his hoard. Using words like declutter makes me think you are underestimating the problem that is hoarding.

hastalav · 21/06/2024 22:27

I'd wonder what you will gain from living together.

I am 20 years into a LTR not married mind, but the best of friends and lovers too. We each live in our own houses and that was never going to change from day one either. It's the perfect arrangement for us ahem, more mature people.

I understand that Charles and Camilla have a similar arrangement, as do many others. All still together where others who rushed to move in together aren't.

The time to do this is when you are younger and you can both grow to respect each other's ways. Not saying you're old, (I am in sixties WTF), but it can be a bit late to compromise and folk get set in their ways.

But above all else I would not have a hoarder within a mile of me under any circumstances. The end.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/06/2024 22:37

AmelieTaylor · 21/06/2024 22:09

@BirthdayRainbow what does he gain? What does she lose??

Show quote history

it's obvious. A home. Live in love, housekeeper etc.

She loses her personal space, full autonomy in her home, potential to lose the good relationship she has with her kids when he starts throwing his weight around.

SamW98 · 21/06/2024 22:41

I’m over 50 and a relationship where we have separate lives and meet up when it suits sounds perfect to me.

I can’t imagine ever living with a man again and so your set up is absolutely utopia imo.

Original poster
Kiki105 · 21/06/2024 22:42

@hastalav so it works for you...20 years!
Nice to hear from someone who has made it work living separately.
I'd like to make it clear, he doesn't have a problem with my kids, but having no kids of his own he finds their imperfections around the house irritating. I find them irritating too but they're my kids.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 21/06/2024 22:45

He finds their imperfections irritating so he does have a problem with their behaviour, which is the same thing imo.

MILTOBE · 21/06/2024 22:53

I wouldn't even consider living with a hoarder, not for one minute.

You don't want the same things anyway - you want to live with your children in a different location to the one likes. He wants to live with you and all his junk in the city. You will never be compatible in that way.

He wants to live with you. He's living alone so probably gets more lonely than you do, living with your children. I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat that this isn't going to work out long term. He needs to find someone who can live with him and his mess and you need to find someone who's happy to be independent for a while.

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