How to deal with an enmeshed “narcissistic” MIL if you can’t go no contact?

[Loftyideas1]

I’m looking for practical advice because my partner is not ready to do anything about it despite starting to realise something is up.

Please only advise. I’ve used the term narc so you can understand what type of person we are dealing with. What can I do personally? I’ve already come to accept we won’t have any“normal” relationship, there is no emotional connection, she HATES me. I stay away as much as possible because she won’t even look at me let alone have a conversation. I know there’s no use confronting this type of person. She has denied any of the nasty comments made to me so far. She won’t even great me if I walk in.

Is this your partner's mum? Jut let him continue having a relationship with her, but dont see her yourself

@allmyown yes it’s my partners mum. Well his father and his brothers family are all part of it. I had a different thread where I explained all the weirdness going on.

@Loftyideas1 , this happened with my FIL he really was an unpleasant man and he hated me; I sympathise.
My husband continued to see him with our boys until he was horribly nasty about them and then he went non contact with him for years. It was difficult for me but my husband and sons wanted a relationship with him.

If they invite us for Sunday lunch? I don’t think I can sit and be ignored and brushed aside anymore. I’m fed up of not being asked if I want a drink but everyone else does or not even getting a hello when I walk in. She can barely seem to hide the hate for me, she literate won’t look at me.

Dont go to lunch?

Why isn't your husband saying something snd standing up for you?

You have a DH problem. He needs to stand up for you . If he can’t sort this out then
at the very least you go no contact and he supports this.

Was she like this from the beginning? She didn’t speak or look at you? How long has this been?

He is your partner? So not a husband? Is it a newish relationship?

I would probably break off the relationship until her son had addressed it with her. She doesn’t have to like you but she can look at you, be civil and offer a drink.

You say partner so I assume you're not married, in this case you have the power to bin the relationship and walk free. I wouldn't accept this level of nastiness as it'll only get worse. Leave your partner to have every romantic relationship sabotaged by his family. Go and have a fantastic life without this shitty family.

Partner and husband seem to be used interchangeably by OPs and posters on MN, they aren’t the same. Is she your actual MIL?

We’ve been together 4 years ish and have a child. It all got significantly worse when I got pregnant. I lost the first baby very early on and she said it was for the best. At the time I didn’t realise what was going on.

You go low contact and when you have to have contact you go grey rock. There's nothing else you can do really. The situation will never ever change , they will all still play the same game , its up to you weather you want to be involved or not

You find something else to do on Sundays. And Saturdays. And bank holidays, Christmas and any other time you get the summons.

Your partner can't exactly pick you up, sling you over his shoulder and force you to go there, after all. And there's nothing stopping him from going there, it's just that it's not going to be with you.

Couple of thoughts. Mostly, hopefully you can avoid her but it can be hard when you have kids. So if you do find yourself in a situation with her;

Bookend the contact with something good for your well-being. Whatever that is. Something nice and nurturing like calling a good friend or having a cuppa and a read. Purposely plan this and mindfully tell yourself that this is to balance it out. This will help to protect your well-being from this toxic relationship.

Play narc bingo. You can set the parameters yourself but something like;
10 points for a moan
20 points for a criticism of someone else
30 points for passive aggression
40 points for aggression.
50 points for a criticism of you
60 points for each time she ignores you.
If you get to 200 you treat yourself to something. You can’t change her. You shouldn’t have to change yourself. You can only change the relationship you have with her nastiness. This game creates an emotional distance, protects you from getting sucked in to any drama as you can smile and listen whilst totting up your points. In your head you’ll end up begging her to ignore you so you can do X or buy Y.

I have a narc mother that I need to interact with. The bingo helps me a lot.